Alone with the baby

I was not allowed by any means to wallow in my misery after the dog bite incident. I get home after my 5 hour stay in the ER. I just received 10 stitches altogether in my arm and I chose to have no pain meds while I was in the hospital. Because one, I hate how they make me feel. Two, I could not really feel my arm/fingers anyway.

I get home, and there was my husband frazzled. Rocking the baby trying to settle her down. His mom there watching, who just got the older kids down to sleep finally. After a while she leaves and it is now him and I alone with the baby.

She’s hungry and waiting nothing more than to nurse after hours of being away from me. And he is so far beyond his stress level that he was nonfunctioning. I in a huff told him to just go to bed and hand me the crying baby.

That’s when I realized I was on my own.

There would not be anyone else that could be the mom in this family. No one else that could nurse Annie. No one else to calm down my husband. No one else to comfort the boys back to sleep the way I do. No one else that knows their special lullabies to help them feel better.

I was it.

So painfully and alone I figured out a way to hold Andalyn on my breast and pinch my nipple the certain way she likes with my nonworking fingers so she’d actually eat.

I rocked and cried, rocked and cried some more because I didn’t ask for this. I never wanted this.

An hour later, Gunner wandered down stairs crying and I call threw my tears still rocking and nursing Annie for my husband who rushes out into the living room in his half slept mind to snatch him up.

He wakes a little more to see me crying and asks what’s wrong. All I can think is I just got bit by a dog asshole and I am still up with the baby what do you think is wrong?

Instead I mumble through my tears, I just hurt.

He goes to the medicine cabinet and gets an ibuprofen and pops it into my mouth and gives me a drink of water.  

Picks up Gunner again who's still crying and starts to rock him.

I look over at him in his rocking chair and I in mine as we cuddle the kids and I knew at that moment that I am not really alone in this because he is a dad too.

The only dad this family has. 

I’m 30 and I no longer feel trapped.

This time last year I was struggle with where I wanted to land in life. I felt like I needed change, movement. I felt trapped in motherhood, in my job, in my marriage. I blamed a lot of my issues on my husband and took no reasonability. Until one day, I woke up looked myself in the mirror and faced the hard truths.

I was making the choices to live life trapped. I chose to stay in a job that surrounded me in hate and drama. I chose to feel trapped by the reasonability's of motherhood and not look pass the mundane and see the joy of it. I chose to see the bad in my husband because I didn’t want to see my wrong doings. I also allowed others to influence me about the bad he held more then the good he did for me everyday.

I did those things until I said to myself no more.

Here is the promise I stated to myself last year on my blog.

“I am going to purge the unnecessary and decrease the clutter physically, materialistically and emotionality. I will hug the ones I love, find the best in them and in others and show others the best in me. I will learn to be okay with doing things on my own and not let the stop me from having the adventures I crave. I will stop talking bad about the people I love the most. This year I will push myself out of my comfort zone. Try new things and be okay with making a mistake in the process.”

Can I say that I have come out of it all with new clarity and that I didn’t resort back to my old ways? No. But what I can say is that I made changes in my life and I no longer feel trapped. 

I got a new job, that I love. A job that allows me to have more time with my kids which helped me love motherhood more. I started to look at my husband in a new light and see how hard he actually works for me, I started to write down in a personal journal the little things he’d do for me everyday. Which brought back the love I knew I had for him.

I stopped listening to those who told me that he wasn’t worth my love and saw for myself that he in fact was. I also stopped telling myself that I wasn’t good enough.

Although this year has been a tuff one for me as I deal with my toddler being diagnosed with apraxia  and possibly autism. The death of my Father in law and also the surprise pregnancy that has had its own medical issues. I can say that if I didn’t change my path this time last year I would not have made it through this year like I have.

On the 11th I turned the BIG 30 and I can honestly say that with out a doubt I am better then I ever been and I can not wait to continue on this journey surrounded by my kids and my loving adoring selfless husband who chooses me to stand with him and not against him.

We are capable of the unknown

I am finally out of the fog that held me tightly in its grasp last month. It was so forceful that I found myself tangled in its darkness that light never was an option for me.  It was a month of struggle, mind games and joy. I don’t know any other way to explain it but only a way to live it. I find myself waiting for the joy of feeling baby Andalyn kick, swim and move inside me. Yes, it’s a girl and yes we’re naming her Andalyn Joy.

She is something that came as a fun surprise that took this year and made it go so fast that time literally never stayed with me.  It was once summer and now its fall and soon it’ll be time for me to cuddle my little joy in my arms. I crave those squishy legs I know she’ll have and I cannot wait to have her head full of hair nestled into my nose. Just so I can take a whiff of that sweet baby smell into my lungs, to let me breathe just a little longer.

I need a fresh set of lungs because I am bogged down with Gunner’s apraxia issues and the maybe diagnose of autism. Cody’s depression, my depression, and the guilt that Wyatt never seems to get enough of my attention. That I start to play mind games with myself.

I worry, that Gunner won’t ever talk clearly and that I’ll never understand him. Worry about the possible heart issues that doctors think Andalyn might have. Worry that I am not doing enough for Wyatt and that he’ll start resenting me. I worry that Cody and I will never find that balance that I seem to always need with him. I worry that I too will start resenting him for being him and not the man I need.

   

What made last month full of struggle is the fact that now, I am getting sick carry sweet Andalyn. That my liver is, was, who knows now if it’s still shutting down which makes it hard for me to be strong like I always am. 

I have been relying on the doctors to do their job which just consist of taking my blood running tests and telling me maybes. All the while my arms are filled with rashes and my mind is full of fear.

But I am finally coming out of the fog. My mind is clearing up, the light is slowly moving in and I am beginning to see that those things will be there but I will be too.

That my life has always come with the struggles because I am equipped to be strong. I was built with such strength that in times like these I can come out of with more heart, more love, more power to move forward and to drag my family along with me.

We will not be held down by the fear of the unknown. We will run toward it and slay it with all our might. Because it is not just me in this game of life. I am lucky to have my boys and sweet girl along for the ride. Who too are strong and capable of the unknown.

I became so bitter

Right now the front door is left open and I can hear the crickets as they call in the night. Wyatt is sitting on the couch next to me reading and whispering the chapters to himself as Gunner snores softly in his bed. It’s almost 10pm and I feel quite comforted  as I hear the night roll in. Its been a long difficult week for me, emotionally. After finding out about Gunner’s speech issue I found myself not dealing with it in the best way I could have. I let my fears over take me.

What made it worse, was the random spontaneous weekend I took with my boys thanks to Cody’s Aunt and Uncle. Now let me make it clear, the weekend in a condo, in the mountains with my boys was not at all bad. I enjoyed it. What made me have a break down when I got home was the fact that for those 4 days I was mostly by myself with the boys as Cody could not get work off.

It made me realize just how alone I was in dealing with Gunner’s news. It also gave me plenty of time at night to read other peoples stories about apraxia. Which not only do you get the extreme positive but you also get the extreme negative.

I took those 4 days and became very bitter at my husband. Here I was, alone in the condo with the kids doing everything. Cooking, cleaning, entertaining, worrying, exploring. Dealing with the whining, the overly hot tired kids, the tantrums because one was doing what the other kid wanted. Bed times, bath times, the no me time.

Where as my husband after work took his time in getting up to visit with us in the condo. He got all the fun stuff. Where the kids ran to him excited to see him, the fun games and movie time, the extra cuddles before they fall asleep on his lap, the time to go home and sleep in his own bed and have his own time.

I became so bitter. I’d think about how he wasn’t here, how he was always working and saying “yes” to everyone else but me and the kids. How he would have his friend come over to our house after he leave me and the kids alone in the condo by ourselves. How he didn’t see that it was hurting me. How he wasn’t the one researching Gunner’s issue. How he didn’t get how bad it could be or how it really is.

 

How he wasn’t the one who would be working daily, nightly doing speech exercises. How he wouldn’t be the one calling and dealing with schools when Gunner was of age. How he wouldn’t be at all the appointments, how it would be me taking Wyatt to karate, soccer, school, then Gunner to speech and all his activities.How I would be going back to work, and cleaning the house, paying the bills, taking pictures and making invitations for my sisters wedding, feeding the family and then on top of that I am having another kid. A kid, that will add to the list of things I’d be doing.

I grew very sad up there alone in the mountains. I thought about everything that was and could be going wrong. About how Gunner will struggle, how Wyatt struggles and how the baby could struggle. I even thought about how something horrible could happen to the baby before it was even born.

So when we finally did get home, I tried to vent to Cody about it all. He of course, tried to be positive (a rarity for him) saying that we will deal with whatever comes. That just made me more mad. We! I thought We, no its me. Me, and me alone.

 

I went to bed that night pissed and crying because he didn’t get it. And when I woke up the next morning and talk more to him I realized that he did get it, just not in the way I needed. After a long talk, where I cried a lot. I was finally able to listen to what he was saying and not take it for granted.

He was doing what he could. He was working hard everyday and night to make sure I was able to be here in the summer so I can deal with any kid issues that came up. That he did in fact worry about the same things I do but he did his worrying in a different way, because well, he is different.

I than realized again, like I do every time we have these talks that we are two very different people and we both react to things in two very different ways. And that him working was not to avoid or not to love me but to make sure that I and the kids could have every chance. That him not researching about Gunner’s issue was not because he didn’t want too but it was because he knew I was already on top of it. That he was allowing me to be. That he wouldn’t be leaving me alone. That he was right beside me I just didn’t see it because I was full on running towards the issue where I actually left him behind trying to catch up to me.

That’s who we are. Him, the quite follower and me the loud demanding leader.

I am not bitter anymore, just tired. Tired of leading. Wishing I was able to allow other people to jump in and support me with out unknowingly pushing them away.

Tonight, I think I will do just that.

All I wanted was to be home again.

I don’t know what made me think that moving out at 18 was a good idea. I always said that I would and then when I did it was like it wasn’t even happening. As I look back at that time I don’t know how I survived it. I moved out with only a part time job, no money in my bank account, and run down car but somehow I seemed to be able to feed myself. I don’t remember the struggle of money or the stress of it. The only thing I remember is my first night sleeping there. I remember the way the room looked with bare walls and mismatched bedroom furniture. It was quite, everything still. It was like it froze each time I took a breath. It felt like I was actually breaking the clock of time.  I remembering laying still against my pillow and squished into my comforter that I got at Christmas from my mom expect this time it didn’t feel the same. The texture was wrong, the smell was wrong it somehow was not that same comforter. I remember trying to get comfortable but all I could feel was my heart beat in my throat, beating so fast. Breathing slowly didn’t calm it down. This was it, I was here, finally here. Finally alone in my own apartment, my first apartment and all I wanted was to be home again.

I remember quietly crying in my bed that night. Wishing I didn’t take such a huge step. I somehow got to sleep that night awaking to a new day with all those fears behind me.

If I didn’t move out when I did. I wouldn’t have started dating my husband. I wouldn’t have had him move in with me a year later but into a new place, our place, a nicer place. I wouldn’t have gotten the jobs I did, when I did. I wouldn’t have gotten married and started a family. I wouldn’t have been me. We wouldn’t have been us. Life wouldn’t have been my life, our life.

So as I watch my own sons take big life steps I can’t help but think of the moment I felt like a grownup for the first time. The scary, wonderful, can’t wait, holy crap all I want is my mom moment. I hope they know how wonderful and amazing it is to grown up but how wonderful it is too not. I hope you enjoy your new toddler bed Gunner and its insane that you’re not a baby anymore and no longer require a crib.

Slow down a little will yah?

 

 

Linking up with

Brothers

Gunner is going through the stage where he is trying to establish who he is with out Wyatt. He tends now to want to play on his own and will get upset when Wyatt tries to come in and play with him and his toys. You could also say that Gunner just doesn’t want to share. This has been a little hard on Wyatt. He finally got to the point of liking to actually spend time with Gunner. Maybe like 3 to 4 months ago Wyatt would always be up in his room doing his art or reading that I would have to force Wyatt to come down and play with Gunner. When they do play with each other there's a lot of wrestling going on. Boys, brothers. They are just different.

I grew up with 5 sisters and 1 brother that it felt like I never had the chance to be alone. (although my mom says I would play by myself and sit and color on my diapers.) I think about how it is so different for Cody. He has one brother  but they are not close and really he hasn’t talked to him for 7 years. Where as me, I see or talk to my family more then I do my friends and when we all get together is a blast.

I’ve been thinking about that lately especially after Cody's dad died in February (I am not sure if I mention that here or not.) family is just important. It is. The bond you have with your siblings is not like any other and I am grateful that I have such a large family because I always have a sister or two that I can call up and talk with or run with or just be there for.

I hope that these two boys, my boys, create the same bond that I have with my siblings and that they don’t go the route of their dad and uncle. I mean once Cody’s mom passes that will be it. That scares me. I agree with the reasoning that my husband has in not talking with his brother there are a lot of things that he did to us that makes it hard to forgive but that’s between them.

I just hope that with all my kids that they create and keep a bond with each other through out their years like I have with my sisters.

I belong deeply to myself

Far off moments seem to take me away to the places I’ve been with you before. I can think back to the time that I started to first study your face. The blanket softly pulled over chin only exposing your rosy checks which nestled so sweetly against my blankets. As you lay silently dreaming. I’d count the freckles on your face. One, two, three. I’d count them over until they began to look like the big dipper. One here and one placed so perfectly that way. Star gazing it become. I got to star gaze while you lay dreaming.

Today as you lay the same 10 years later in our bed with our blankets pulled over your chin I again got to star gaze. Only this time your face was a little older and the freckles a little lighter. As I traced them with my finger and sweetly kiss each one I imagine that you were dreaming of the moment I first star gazed with you.

Were you dreaming of me too?

You began to quietly wake, your eyes fluttering softly as they opened and you squished a little grin out and grab ahold of me quickly. As we giggled in bed together I thought about 10 years or so ago. I belong deeply to myself but today, this morning we belong entwined together.  Deeply together.

You are my universe and I yours.

That’s not me.

I’ve been pretty distant from writing on my blog for a lot of reasons. Mostly because I didn’t want to admit my failure to the world. But I know for me if I don’t then I can not move on and grow.

I fell hard on day 24 of my Whole30 and I have yet to pick myself up. Right now I am sipping on a wild cherry Pepsi after eating a cheese sandwich and I have a major headache which I know is do to my poor choices of what I had for lunch. I have been to embarrassed to talk about why I fail and why I haven't stop falling. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I was doing so good and then my father in law passed away on Feb 04 instead of me dealing with that head on and like a big girl I found the biggest candy bar I could in my husbands stash and I secretly ate it while my kids were napping. I scarfed that sucker down and then I cried. Cried for my father in law not because I ate that candy bar.

Then I pretended for the last 6 days of my whole30. I pretended to eat whole in front of people. I would make good healthy meals, eat them and then when I had a chance to be alone I’d go to taco bell and order a huge burrito with cash so it wouldn’t show up on the bank account and I’d inhale it.

Then my “whole30” was up and I weighed myself and I lost 16lbs! and I was so excited and thrilled. I couldn’t believe it. Then we had my FIL memorial and I ate for the “first time” regular food and I didn’t reintroduce food in like I was suppose too. and I openly ate out with the husband and didn’t cook. I let my veggies I had in my fridge rot, I stopped going to the gym everyday and I made it to two classes in the last two weeks.

I just didn’t care enough. It was easy to not work on being healthy. But then I started to feel gross, sick, bloated, gassy, and huge. And I knew, I always knew that this wasn’t me. This isn't who I want to be.

I don’t want to be the mean grumpy mom who sits on the couch and yells at her kids because she has a food headache and is tired for doing nothing all day. Who hates herself. That’s not me.

And even though in that 2 week melt down I gained it all back and lost myself again I am starting over. I am picking myself back up, dusting off my shoulders and being 100% honest with you all because its important to you to know that it happens and to me.

March 1st is my new true whole 30 start date. I am not going to half fast it this time either. I am going full throttle on this bitch. I am going to prep, plan, eat, exercise. I am going to become that women I know I am. That bad ass bitch who is stronger then fuck  and who kicks some serious ass.

I am going to be healthy and not focus on loosing weight but focus on being healthy in every aspect of my life.

I am going to stumble through this and you will too but that doesn’t mean we can’t win. I am going to win this battle this year even if it kills me.

Mostly Stay At Home Mom

I’m learning to wake up early not by choice but by necessity. I have discovered you can not be a a mostly stay at home mom with out getting up early. I have these ideas you know. The ones where I have endless hours to spend crafting with my kids and they are not screaming at each other whining or pouring glitter everywhere but instead I plop myself on the couch turn the TV on and fold laundry every day. Or I clean the bath room again. Or I explain over and over again to Wyatt that he needs to share with Gunner.  Or I pull Gunner off Wyatt after he slammed him into the ground trying to wrestle him.

I am learning that if I let myself I will lose myself again in all the ciaos that motherhood can bring because staying home takes away a lot of the “me time” I had. The time where I could think clearly with out interruptions, the time I could laugh with co workers and the time I felt like I had instant success.

I am learning to be okay with mom guilt we all put on our selves because regardless my kids love me.

I am learning that I still have to work on my marriage and that putting him before the kids is important.

But mostly I am learning that being able to stay home is amazing regardless that I have a lot to learn.

So I keep trudging along. Picking up after everyone again, doing the dishes again. Folding that same pile of laundry again.

I wont allow myself to get lost in all the bustle like I did when I stay home with Wyatt when he was young. I have a plan this time around. I am going to get myself out of the house more. Play with the kids more. The real hands on kind where you are down on the floor wrestling or throwing balls or playing cars. I am going to allow myself to have that me time but I am going to make sure that it is more than just TV watching. I am going to move more, feel more, be more. Because I know I can be.

I am learning, slowly learning that I do not have to have someone with me to experience the things I crave. That I could really take that hike I’ve wanted too alone. That I can go to a movie alone. Or go on a bike ride myself. I can do those things even if they don’t want too and I’ll be okay.

So far, its harder than I thought.

Lets not talk about it.

Okay fine we will. But I will throw in a lot of excuses and whining. Which we all know don’t matter but it makes me feel better.

On Monday I was doing good with eating (mind you I don’t start my #whole30 until the 12th so I am just preparing myself.) I had breakfast, cooked a good meal did a lot of chores around the house and felt productive. It was nice. My Zumba class was later in the evening and Cody was on his way home from doing his order at work and he voxered me (best app ever. look it up. Its basically a walkie talkie and its better then calling or texting. its saves our lives seriously. okay not really but it is awesome.) telling me that he was going to pick up some pizza for him and the kids since I will be gone for 90+ minutes doing Zumba and he didn’t have anything to cook him and the kids. (that was unhealthy and that he wants to eat.) Fine, whatever. I said. He came home with 2 pizzas and they began to eat them while I was tying my shoes to head out to Zumba. If you follow my personal Facebook then you read about how jealous I was that they got to eat pizza. 

I cried in the car on the way to Zumba. Over pizza. I want to chock it up to being on my period but I think even if I wasn’t I still would have. I think it hit me, that I was going on the trip down a healthy road all by my self. That those guys at home would be able to eat drink what they want and me, I would be stuck eating veggies. I know that I am doing it for the right reason.  Blah blah blah. but at that moment it sucked being the only one.

My kids cringe when ever I cook healthy meals that have veggies on the plate or stuck in the food I made. They cry or don’t eat it until I get so annoyed that I have to go eat in another room so I don’t see their unhappy faces. My husband, well he just doesn’t eat now. Partly because he is a picky eater and the other part is that he never really likes to eat anyway. Some days I have to force him too.

I got home from Zumba feeling pumped because I felt good that I didn’t cave and didn’t eat a slice of pizza. I ate my left over meat ball soup it was delicious. But then morning came.

Cody was at work and that box of left over pizza was in the fridge and I cooked it up for the kids and then I ate it too. More like devoured it. Then I drank soda all day, had popcorn all while I was cooking a healthy turkey in my oven to prep my whole 30 meals. It was bad.

I am not mad at myself for eating that pizza but more mad at myself that I didn’t have the self control to not eat it. I saw myself in a light that I never really did before. I saw who I was on the outside. I never considered myself fat, like I get that I am but I never looked at myself like that. I love who I am and I am not doing this journey to be a stick think little woman.

But yesterday, I saw myself as a fat huge person who was gross. I saw all the things I didn’t like about myself and I sat there staring at the person in the mirror. Thinking how I will never be able to loose weight or get back to how I used to be because I have no self control.

It was so bad that when my husband tried to hug me when he got home I said “I don’t even know how you could be attracted to me.” and pulled away.

I went to bed that night and had a nightmare. Not about weight or me but about my kids being murder. I mean it was a dark dark dream. I woke up and thought what the hell Audrey get your shit together.

So I am, again. and I know that I will have to do it again and again. Over and over. But I am going to succeed at this. I am going to become the person I feel I am. Not who I saw in the mirror yesterday, not the person who pulls away from my husband. But the Audrey I know I am.

The Funny, outgoing, HEALTHY women. Even if she’s 100lbs overweight right now because my god she deserves to be love too.

Hello old heart.

I'm staring over this new year with a new pattern of thoughts, a new wave of emotions, a new connection to the world and a new believe system in me. I am no longer going to tie my self down with excuses or blame others for how I feel and how I am. I will own my YES year.  This year will be my year. I can see it, feel it and crave it.

This year I know anything will be possible. I am going to start each day with a goal. I am going to eat more real food. Buy good books and find the time to read them. I am going to drink a shit load of water. Exercise daily even when it sounds like a terrible idea. I am going to purge the unnecessary and decrease the clutter physically materialistically and emotionality. I will hug the ones I love, find the best in them and others and show others the best in me. I will learn to be okay with doing things on my own and not let the stop me from having the adventures I crave. I will stop talking bad about the people I love the most. This year I will push myself out of my comfort zone. Try new things and be okay with making a mistake in the process.

I will never find the answers I am looking for unless I set my old heart free and this year is my year. I will be a better me.

My Yes Year

“Discovering one’s “purpose” in life essentially boils down to finding those one or two things that are bigger than yourself, and bigger than those around you. And to find them you must get off your couch and act, and take the time to think beyond yourself, to think greater than yourself, and paradoxically, to imagine a world without yourself.” –Mark Manson

The last few months I have been searching for something more than I am. I have been yearning to do more than sitting at home watching TV. (although I do love my shows.) I wanted to be more than a “title” at my job and when I was forced out of that title I began doing my more searching. I would spend hours analyzing what my life was suppose to become and what I wanted to come out of it. I began to realize that I was neglecting my potential.

I became a bitter person over the years. I allowed the negative of my job, of Cody's condition to effect how I was feeling. I would spend hours talking about all the bad things happening at work and all the things my loved ones were doing wrong around me. My life was nothing but a gossip filled day that at night wound up to be a poor me night.

I was done with it.

So I tried to forge myself through the weeds I built around myself. I started to eat better. I started to run which change everything for me. As I was running I would have the most clear thoughts I have had. I saw my life for what it was and I saw what it could become and then I stumbled upon this article.  “7 strange questions that help you find your purpose in life.” 

I kept it in my phone’s browser and I would re read it every once in awhile. And then I ran my first ever half marathon.

Now I was suppose to run this with my sister who had to back out of it a week before I ran it. And I could have back out too. There was still time but I didn’t.

It was the scariest thing I have ever done and I did it alone. (Which if you know me personally, you’d know doing things on my own is very rare. I love to be surround by people.)

On the day of the run. My mom dropped me off at the buses that take you to the start of the race. It was cold, dark and I was alone watching the others around me giggling with their friends. I felt very intimidated. They shuttled us off the bus and everyone buddled around the fire pit to keep warm and I found myself unsure of where I belonged. It was a two hour wait before the race. It was two hours that I questioned myself for doing this.

The race started and I ran. It felt good at first you know. I felt amazing. I was on cloud nine! I kept thinking I am running in a half marathon I am awesome! I was listening to music and I didn’t stop and then at mile 6 my phone died.  I still had 7 miles to go. 7 miles that I had to run by myself with no music distraction.

I began to question myself again. Why am I doing this? The I cants began. I cant do this. I cant run anymore. I cant. Then I found something inside myself that I never knew I had. I found my spirit.

The cans began. I can do this. I am doing this. I rock at this. Look at me!

I crossed that finish line ran into my husbands arm and fell apart.

I bawled.

I just did the hardest thing I have ever done by myself.

I learned that day that I am able to do hard things on my own and from that day forward I declared that I was going to find my purpose in life. My thing that made me feel alive.

So today I answered those 7 questions from that article and I promised my self that my 2015 will be my yes year. I am going to say yes to all the things I wish I was and I am going to become the girl I have in my mind.

1. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF SHIT SANDWICH AND DOES IT COME WITH AN OLIVE?

So for me. The thing I’d be willing to live with is late nights early mornings. I would be okay with spending hours editing a ton of beautiful photos I took or spending my evenings on the stage practicing for the community play I was in knowing that I would have to get up in a few hours to be with my kids cooking them a healthy breakfast instead of throwing a sugar filled bowl of cereal in front of them.

2. WHAT IS TRUE ABOUT YOU TODAY THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR 8-YEAR-OLD SELF CRY? That I never made it to the big screen. I use to spend hours imagining my life in new york acting. I would see myself on stage or visiting an art gallery while talking shop with my artsy friends. I would think about how my apartment would be in new york. A small little hole in the wall place. Surrounded in knick knacks over looking the city lights. That was my happy place.

3. WHAT MAKES YOU FORGET TO EAT AND POOP? Photography, blogging and cooking articles. I could look up recipes for hours and think how they would taste when I would cook them. Looking at photography, every time I look on flckr or photo blogs or just of my friends photos I yearn to be doing what they have done. Exploring the city with my camera in hand or capturing that perfect shot with the perfect light and then adding those photos to my blog so I can share them with others. 

4. HOW CAN YOU BETTER EMBARRASS YOURSELF? I think I am already pretty good at this but I’d say that what I need to be better with would be not being afraid to take my big girl camera out and snapping photos of the things I find pretty in front of me when people are around. I tend to wondering if they think I am crazy.

5. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD? I am bad at this. I tend to not care enough about others to do something about it. I am pretty selfish about giving time to things that matter to other people. So how am I going to save the world? Well, hmmm… first I need to be an active member of it. Not just sit in my comfortable couch and waste it away. I will say yes more. Yes, to friends. Yes, to helping out and yes to being active.

6. GUN TO YOUR HEAD, IF YOU HAD TO LEAVE THE HOUSE ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, WHERE WOULD YOU GO AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO? I would be in the mountains hiking and taking photos. In my mind, I am an adventurous person. I see my self hiking, biking all over with an awesome leather camera book bag taking the time to actual find the perfect undiscovered place and snapping gorgeous shots. All while doing this with my kids. I see Wyatt running around getting muddy while Gunner is in a carry]ier on the front of me reaching out to go play with Wyatt.

7. IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO DIE ONE YEAR FROM TODAY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO AND HOW WOULD YOU WANT TO BE REMEMBERED?How would I want to be remembered? Hmmm… I want to be fun. The outgoing spontaneous friend who calls you up drags you out of the house and takes you on an adventure. I want to be full of life. Have amazing memories with each person I care about. I want to be the person who you could talk to for hours, who helps you figure out your life. Who knows just what to say. I want to be the person who can capture you in that perfect shot so you would have the photo forever and you will be able to look at it and remember the memory we made that day. I want to be remember as the person who made you laugh. I want to be an amazing mom. Who didn’t care of you got dirty or if your homework was done because you knew that every day was filled with a new thing to be learning, a new activity. I want to be the mom, the wife who took you out of your comfort zone and allow you to have amazing experiences. I want to be remembered living the fullest life there was.

My goals for 2015:

1. Complete the #whole30 in January
2. Continue to eat healthy.
3. Try out for my community theater
4. Doing a craft/art activity with my kids every Wednesday
5. Go on a least 2-3 hikes a month
6. Train and Run 2 half marathons and a ton of 5k and/or 10ks.
7. Start up my photography business again
8. Start a 365 in pictures  (focusing on life style pictures.)
9. Grow a garden
10. Take a cooking class
11. Date my husband
12. Take a photography workshop
13. Reestablish friendships
14. Blog
15. Watch less TV and read more
16. Buy a bike and ride it with the kids
17. Talk less trash and gossip of people
18. Volunteer some where
19. Be more spontaneous
20. Laugh more

Are you going to have a yes year too?

My kid is an asshole.

Can I just say that literally after I wrote and posted the last post I discovered that all that whining I did about me trying to be simple and blah blah blah its me not them is well bullshit. Because I have determined now that it is them. I have been getting angry and have become a shit mom because well I just cant stand it anymore.

The whining and debating and the negativity that has consumed my house lately is insane. I like to say that if mommas happy everyone's happy. But that's not the case here.

If you have read for awhile you know that my husband suffers from depression and that tends to put everyone else in the same funk and well I‘d like to think that he could snap out of it but… he has yet too. Now my six year old is starting, okay not starting but is exactly like him. He does the same whines, has the same issues that his dad does and never can see the positive in anything and having two people like that is driving me insane.

So I think by simple I mean by not having assholes around all the time.

You might think this is dramatic and well it could be but to me its not. Let me explain. We just got home from walking the dogs because I just finished that half hearted post and I was like LETS WALK THE DOGS GET FRESH AIR IN OUR LUNGS LIFE IS GRAND!!! and cue in the dramatic tantrum from Wyatt. The whining and the I don't want too….. WAH WAH WAH WAH. All the while I just grinned and barred it.

I smothered the kids in their jackets, dealt with the overly excited dogs trying to get their god damn leash on them all the while trying to convince Wyatt that a walk is good for us! You’ll see! I promise!

Then we walked and it was my feet hurt, I don’t want to push the stroller anymore, I cant hold the dogs leash mom. But we endured and took a nice hour long walk. When we got home we checked the mail and I was excited because our Christmas cards arrived and I thought Wyatt was too because he couldn’t wait to open them.

So we get in the house took off all our coats, feed the dogs and then we opened the cards and the first thing Wyatt screamed was “ I hate them!” well fuck you I thought. What an asshole.

And then well I just couldn’t take it anymore its been months of him and months of the husband not liking this, not wanting to do that or whining because I made them do something and then I some how I become the bad person in all of it.

So that was it.

I said well “Screw you Wyatt. Stop being such a asshole. I am sorry these are not to your liking but that’s what I made and took hours to make. So that’s what well be sending out.” Insert bad mom of the year here.

Yep, I called my kid an asshole and nope I don’t even feel bad for it. Because in that moment I felt like he needed to hear how big of a jerk he was being.

I got up and started to do the mad clean you know where you clean your house and grumble under your breathe about everything and anything and then in like 20 minutes your house is waaaay cleaner that it has ever been and you feel better. Yeah, I did that.

Then Wyatt and I had a heart felt conversation about manners and why it was important to consider other peoples feelings and why complaining about everything wont ever make the situation you are in any better and we talked about how to over come all of it and he apologized and I did too.

Then we made a plan.

We a planned to spend more time with just each other. We set a date wrote it on the calendar and then we did it.

And as I finish this post a few days later I realized how much I love Wyatt and how interesting he really is becoming and that spending a whole day together just him and I is important and was clearly needed.

We took the dogs on a walk, we talked over chocolate chip pancakes for lunch, we held hands and hugged more. We laughed and then we dressed ourselves in our best clothes and went and saw a live musical together.

and it was magic.

So even though this post started off as angry, bitter and filled with emotion I wont take it back. Because we both learned something that day. Me, I learned that not only do I need to live that simple life I talked about on the last post but that I also need to live the hard ones too and be true to how life really is around here.

It’s messy, tough, sometimes mean but its also wonderful, magical and full of days that can completely knock out those bad ones.

Today was one of them and I hope tomorrow will be too.

I need to get my simple back.

I am going to be honest with you and with myself. I have sucked lately. Sucked at life sucked at being a mom sucked at being a wife and sucked at my job. I have been selfish and demanding and more than normal. I have eaten a ton of crap and vegged out on the couch for hours and got annoyed when my kids wanted my attention.

I think about all the things I should be doing and should be better at when I am in the shower and I started making myself promises. I am going to wake up earlier and work out. I am going to have my house cleaned before noon. I am going to take the time with each kid. I am not going to get annoyed at Wyatt when he wants to talk to me about nonsense crap. I am going to love my husband more. I am going to….

and then I don’t do it. I do the opposite.

I am at this point in my life that I need more. More excitement, more adventures, more love, more of something.

I want to explore who I am I want to wake up to a simple outline of life.

A life that is planned out and one that’s not planned out.

A life different from the one I have now.

I am done with sitting at home, talking to the same people, doing the same things, dealing with the same problems.

I know that a lot of this has to do with me. That living a life that revolves around just my kids is turning into a an healthy one.

I need to work on me.

I don’t know who I really am anymore. Its not because of work or because of my husband or my kids. Its because I let myself slip away from my simple.

My simple is…

Adventures outside, hiking, climbing, digging, getting dirty.

Running.

My simple is eating fresh food, cooking, exploring new tasty healthy foods.

My simple is laughing with my kids, letting them be kids by getting dirty, by letting the house fall to the waste side. To spending hours out side digging holes,  making mud pies and playing night games.

My simple is long conversations with my husband, cuddling, kisses, just looking at each other and not talking about the kids.

My simple doesn’t have hours in front of screens wasting away for nothing. My simple is a full life.

My simple is reading, learning, loving, eating, dancing, running, laughing, being more.

I need to get my simple back.  Today I will get my simple back.

So um, I ‘m no longer a manager.

So after the last post Cody and I talked. We talked about what was important in our life at this moment and what changes needed to be made to make sure that we are doing the best for us, me and our family and we came to the conclusion that I always knew would be but now I actually acted upon it.

A few weeks ago, my mom got sick. She currently has a non functional kidney which is causing her to be super sick and it needs to be surgically removed. If you follow me on Facebook that you’ve known about it for awhile now.

When she got sick it made me think about what I would do without her. She not only is my rock in life she is also one for my kids. She takes care and mothers them when I work hard at being successful at work.

So when she got sick it was like a wake up call for me. Here I am, striving to be the best at work, a place that does nothing but give me stress and cause me to be a grump when I get home to my kids. What was so important about this place that I needed to be the best? Why was I choosing that over my life at home with my kids?

I had no good answers for that. None. So I took this time of reflection and ran with it. My mom getting sick was the best way for me to realize that I wont have her here forever and that she wont always be able to be my “babysitter” and that this great women, this person that I look up too and my kids look up too can’t be the person to raise me kids while I was working. She needs to be a grandmother and I, I need to be the mother. The main person, the person that hopefully my kids will look up too.

So I went into work. Told them about my mom and told them that I needed to be home. I needed change in my life and that this time was not the time for me to be selfish. That my kids will only be 5 and 11 months now and never again. This is my chance, my chance to raise them like my mom raised me.

So as of today, I am no longer a full time working mother. I am no longer a manager. I no longer will attend 3 hour meetings, stay there all hours, work overnight and no longer will be responsible for other associates needs. I will be a part time, sometimes working mom. Who only goes, does my job and leaves. Nothing else.

I will now be a mom, mother, housewife. The manager of my family and I am scared as hell.