Changes.

In February I walked away from my job that I had over 6 years. There were a lot of reasons I did but the main one was that I just wasn’t happy there anymore. I would leave work come home and feel miserable and take it out on everyone here. I would think about how if a huge accident happened at work like a shooting for instants would losing my life or getting seriously hurt be worth all the time I spent there? Would I be able to be happy with that fact? Each day that placed matter less and less.

The duties become stupid, the customers were dumb, the managers were ridiculous. The gossip between co workers became the same and it just wasn’t worth it. I came home one Wednesday night and told Cody that I just couldn't do it anymore. He surprisingly agreed and just like that I didn’t go back.

That same week I applied to become a part time substitute teacher. Thinking that I would work very very little and spend more time home. I got the job. The next two weeks I worked two different sub jobs before one of the schools offered me a full time staffing job as their computer site tech. It paid more then Sears. It had better hours, I’d have the summers off with the kids plus weekends off. I’d get off work at 2. It wasn’t retail. I accepted it with no hesitation.

Even though quitting my job on the spot was scary I knew that my life would be a lot more happier once I left it behind. I didn’t know that doing that would actually land me the job I have now. I can’t wait to be able to spend the summers off with the kids but the best part is coming home and being more present with nothing dragging me down. Life is funny.

The other big changes happening is we started our add on! I can not wait to finally get more room in our little house. We are adding on a 20 ft living room with an upstairs that will house the kids new bed rooms making our house from a 3 bedroom house to a 5 bedroom house. We also will be adding on a covered patio (hopefully if the money pans out. cross your fingers) Cody’s uncle and grandpa are the ones who will be constructing it. (with our help as much as we can.) Which I love because the boys have been able to dig in the dirt with them and drive on the tractor with Uncle Brad.

Boys need ride tractors and play in dirt and use power tools. They just do. So for them to get to is exciting.

I’ll keep you updated on the progress as much as I can here but I'm sure I’ll share more on my instagram.

Here's to changes! Sometimes they are worth all the fear.

That happened.

A few things happened while I have been living and not blogging.  So here is a quick run down of it all…

1. Gunner turned one! Crazy. He is a spitfire. He now walks (check out my Instagram for the video of his first steps.) which means he now gets into everything. I started the dreaded time outs. He sure does love them. He likes to show me just how much he does by throw epic tantrums. They are oh so wonderful. But regardless of the toddlering around he does. He is a sweet kid. Loves to laugh and make you laugh. Loves to be the center of attention. He is currently obsessed with trucks especially the big metal old school ones that Cody dug out of his moms basement that use to be his.
2. Wyatt turned 6! HOLY blow my mind I have a six year old. He is in kindergarten and is doing really well. He reads now. He has homework now. and he is making a ton of new friends and has a few play dates. He still is a picky eater, still very emotional but is starting to talk more to other people besides just dad and I. He is totally killing it at karate. We moved him into a whole new studio after he ended preschool which has done wonders for him. He is currently a blue belt with a white stripe and he has comas now. (it’s a crazy weapon he gets to swing around in class.Mothers love it.)
3. Cody turned 30. That is just weird to me. I cant be married to a 30 year old. I’m still so young. Hey you want to know what makes you feel real old. Going to your first parent teacher conference. That there is what brings it all into perspective. Because I remember going to those with my parents not that long ago.
4. So I am finally enjoying working part time (like 9-12 hours a week.) I get why mothers stay home now. I am starting to get my house under control. I got to be here when Gunner walked for the first time and I am less stressed. I never thought that I would enjoy being home. I always thought I needed that “success” to feel good about myself. But what I have learned is that being successful isn’t tied to a job title but to the personal goals you set for yourself. (hopefully I’ll talk more about this in its own post.)
5. My cat of 8 years Buddy who was a little kitten that I raised with Cody died. It was the hardest thing I dealt with. I mean I have had animals pass before but this was different because he was my baby. He had a bladder issue which we did the surgery to clear out all the grit but he took a long time to wake up from the anesthesia which basically made him brain dead so we made the choice to put him down and man I stayed in the room while they did so he’d have his mom with him and it was soo hard. So hard to say good bye. I still think of him and miss him every day.
6. A month later we got some new kittens to add to our family. They are a delight. The first kitten we named Ms. Fluffy Pants. She is the fluffiest cat ever. Full of energy and is the first to try new things. She starting to get along with the dogs and loves to cuddle. Our second kitten is name Sinkerdoddles. She is a scaredy cat. Hides from everyone and takes awhile to trust anyone. Most days she hides under the couch.
7. I ran my first 5k in September and became addicted to running. It has been great! So great that I skipped doing a 10k and went straight for a half marathon that I just completed on Saturday. And man does it deserves its own post because the sheer power of getting it done is just crazy. I still cant really move comfortably. My legs are jelly.
8. We finally built the swing set in our backyard which the kids love and we just built a new shed back there too. In the spring we will be stating the add on. We are adding on 2 bedrooms and a huge living room which I just can’t wait because our house seems to be getting smaller and smaller. It could be that we now have 3 cats 2 dogs 2 kids and a husband plus all the junk that comes with that. Phew we have a house full.

Well that’s the jest of it. I hope to go into a little more detail in upcoming posts but don’t most bloggers say that now. So for now I hope you enjoyed this quick update. (all pictures from the Color run 5K I did in September.)

So um, I ‘m no longer a manager.

So after the last post Cody and I talked. We talked about what was important in our life at this moment and what changes needed to be made to make sure that we are doing the best for us, me and our family and we came to the conclusion that I always knew would be but now I actually acted upon it.

A few weeks ago, my mom got sick. She currently has a non functional kidney which is causing her to be super sick and it needs to be surgically removed. If you follow me on Facebook that you’ve known about it for awhile now.

When she got sick it made me think about what I would do without her. She not only is my rock in life she is also one for my kids. She takes care and mothers them when I work hard at being successful at work.

So when she got sick it was like a wake up call for me. Here I am, striving to be the best at work, a place that does nothing but give me stress and cause me to be a grump when I get home to my kids. What was so important about this place that I needed to be the best? Why was I choosing that over my life at home with my kids?

I had no good answers for that. None. So I took this time of reflection and ran with it. My mom getting sick was the best way for me to realize that I wont have her here forever and that she wont always be able to be my “babysitter” and that this great women, this person that I look up too and my kids look up too can’t be the person to raise me kids while I was working. She needs to be a grandmother and I, I need to be the mother. The main person, the person that hopefully my kids will look up too.

So I went into work. Told them about my mom and told them that I needed to be home. I needed change in my life and that this time was not the time for me to be selfish. That my kids will only be 5 and 11 months now and never again. This is my chance, my chance to raise them like my mom raised me.

So as of today, I am no longer a full time working mother. I am no longer a manager. I no longer will attend 3 hour meetings, stay there all hours, work overnight and no longer will be responsible for other associates needs. I will be a part time, sometimes working mom. Who only goes, does my job and leaves. Nothing else.

I will now be a mom, mother, housewife. The manager of my family and I am scared as hell.

I am so over it.

So I hate my job right now. I can’t even do it anymore. I hate that I was forced into a new role. I hate that this new role is all crap. I deal with crap people and crap that people mess up. I have to change crap over and over after I just did it the day before. I have crappy equipment that never works and when it does, it works like crap.

I am just so over crap and the drama that comes with it.

I thought that I need “a job” to be fulfilled but I don’t think I do. I don’t think I need that 9-5/40+ hours a week type of job to feel like I have accomplished something. I sit at work now and I think “what if some tragic thing happened right now would all this matter?” and I say no every time.

Every time.

I am so over it. All of it.

So I’ve been looking at other jobs and weighing my options.

Do I start over somewhere new? Do I step down and work part time and stay home more?

Do I try to find what I am passionate about and work towards making that a reality?

I just don’t know.

Here are my worries…

1. If I stay home more, will I be lazy, do nothing but watch TV and eat all day and get depressed and feel like I am not equal to Cody?
2. If I find another job, and get it. What if I don’t like it or hate the people or feel like how I do now?
3. If I strive to make my hobby a reality would I really be good at it and actually make a living? Is it too late? Will I like it?
4. If I stay home, would I be willing to be poorish again?
5. What if I don’t know what I really want and I give up on this job and loose myself in the process again?

How do you make tuff life choices? What helps you become motivate? How do I get back my happy? And why can’t I make up my mind?

That’s what's important.

Can I just tell you, that right now all I want to do is become a crunchy granola eating gardening women who does nothing but soak in the sun, rake the leafs and weed until my finger nails are filled to the brim with dirt.

I don’t know what it is but lately this working retail corporate demanding job just sucks not because I hate it because I don’t but because it takes everything out of me. I never have time to clean my house or spend the mornings feeling the breeze on my checks. Most days I could be at work and have no idea that it was raining all day until I walk to my car to go home and that’s just sad.

I envision my self outside watching my kids as they explore until the sun sets and all that’s on the agenda is doing nothing but that. I want that simple life. The less distraction life. The not working until there is nothing left for someone else's life.

I want those adventures, the imaginations, the time to do nothing but everything all at the same time. I want simple. I want my kids to know what it would be like to not have to compete in the “real world” and sell your soul for something that doesn’t get you anywhere but far away from your home and family.

Corporate retail jobs man, they take everything from you and give not a whole lot back.

If we could afford it with out the stress of money I think I would now do it. Stay home, be simple, be here see them all day every day and have great outside adventures.

That’s what's important not selling a pair of soaks to old grumpy ladies.

and just like I got a new job.

When I found out in January that my position at work was become obsolete I learned that I had make a tuff choice. I could accept a new position in the store, leave and take the severance or stay in the office. I went back and in forth a lot. I wanted to stay in the office but then I still wanted the title of a manager that I worked so hard for. But then Cody said that I should stay home more, be there for the kids more. Then I ‘d go to work and my store manager would say how I could take this position and get a raise which could possible put my on the fast track to becoming an assistant store manager one day.

I had way to many options and I didn’t want to take any of them.

I was hurt, pissed I didn’t care and I didn’t want to care. I just wanted what was comfortable. I wanted my four walls, my desk, my same responsibilities my office. I didn’t want the change, I didn’t ask for it.

Weeks went by and I began to listen to Cody more and more about staying home and keeping the office job as an associate.  I started to believe him. I started picturing my self at home with the kids making pies and playing outside. I saw me getting up early and getting off earlier and be there. I thought about how I could join the PTA at Wyatt's kindergarten next year how I could become friends with the other mothers.

So I turned down job after job that they offered me. I turned down the raise. I turned it all down but each time I did I thought my god did I do the right thing.

Then months went by and I started to get more information about the transition. They started to release the hours that the office would have. What the responsibilities would be and it was no where what I wanted to do. It was basic with barely any hours and if I stayed my office assistants would not have their jobs.

Then I would sit in the management meetings and think do I really want to give this up? I like being in the “know” I like being in charge of something. I like having the ability to delegate. I like it all.

So then they asked me again, and I thought only about what I wanted. I didn’t think about the kids, or the husband or what my boss thought. It was all me and with out hesitation I said yes. I accepted the job as the Lead Soft lines Merchandiser.

Saturday I packed up my office and turned in my keys and then Sunday I started the new job and the whole day I thought why didn’t I do this months ago. I would have saved my self a ton of headaches.

Instead of dealing with emotionally draining problems and people day after day I get to set up displays, reorganized items and I am up and moving all day long. I feel accomplished by the end of the day.

Sore but accomplished.

5 ways to do absolutely nothing at work.

 

1. Sit at you desk and stare at all the emails you need to answer but then choose to close the web bowser screen completely cutting all knowledge of those said emails off and then proceed to stare at all the paperwork in your inbox and spend hours nicely organizing them into categories of things you will not do now and things you might do later.
2. Open up your laptop and edit pictures of your kids. Quickly change screens onto something work related when a co worker passes your office and stare at the metrics on your screen like you actually care about them. Then continue to edit pictures when that so called co worker leaves.
3. Ignore all manager calls hoping someone else will answer them but reluctantly get up after the first call because you realize that you’re the main manager on duty. Do anything to accommodate the angry customer even though you know that they are full of shiz half the time. Apologize and loose a piece of your soul as they yell at you because they didn’t get their 2 dollars off on their already 50% clearance item. Apologize again and curse them to death in your mind all while smiling as your giving them their 2 dollars off.
4. Take your lunch and walk slow to the mall food court and walk even slower on your way back. Eat at your desk while your on Facebook. Stay on Facebook when you clock in until you realize that maybe you should actually get something done since you’ve been at work for about 6 hours now.
5. Stare at all the emails you need to answer but then choose to close the web bowser screen again then proceed reorganize your paperwork in your inbox into categories of things you will not do now and things you might do later.
Now I wish that I could say that this has not been an everyday thing lately but I’d be lying. Ever since corporate decided that they will be restructuring my office in May I have lost all ability to actually care about what needs to be done. I just keep thinking how I will soon be a regular associate with very little job responsibility's that its hard to care about the ones I have now. I think I am actually wanting to pill up all my work so that whoever will be in charge of all my job duties will have their hands full. So that maybe my job I did have will be a little more than it does now.
I want to say oh hey you need me to actually walk you through this? oh dang it to bad I have no more access to that. Shoot. Too bad. That sucks and then laugh evilly as they struggle. But, I am better than that. So I have a few days like this where I do nothing and then my guilt kicks in and I bang out my job in 2 days and then start this process all over again. Once May hits and I have to clean out my office I think it will all hit me that this is for real and then I might cry and wish that I didn’t act like I am now. But right now I say SCREW WORK and SCREW you corporate! You Suck!
Thanks for taking my job away and making me settle for something I never wanted. Thank you for making me realize that working is not my everything and that my life will be a ton better with out all the crap you put on me. Thank you for making me actually choose to live outside of these walls. Because the 6 years I put into you meant nothing but the 6 years I will get to put back into my family will mean a ton more. So thank you, thank you for kicking me to the crib so I can pick myself up and live an actual life.

SO WHAT!

I'm currently at work, trying to do some online training that they have us do every month and I am behind because well I just don’t get the time to do this training that really only half of the stuff pertains to me. I am bored, hungry and content. Can I be all those things at once? I guess I can since I am.

I am bored because this training is rather dull and says the same stuff over and over. I am super hungry and I want a Panini from the store on the other side of the mall but I am too lazy to walk there and get it. I am content because I finally said out loud for the first time since the Big News was dropped on me at work that I did not want to take another management role here and that staying in the office as a regular old associate was fine with me. And you know what, it is.

I pictured myself yesterday at home with my kiddos. Watching them grow. I saw me organizing the kitchen pantry and cooking meals with babies at my feet. I saw early morning cartoon watching and walks to the parks. I saw summer in all its glory. The heat, the popsicles, us swimming in the pool and I was happy.

I was happy because I get to have those moments. I get to not stress about what corporate person will be coming to check the store, I don’t have to stress over who I have to fire this week, or who I get to write up. I wont have to stress over the other managers not being ethical, and by god I wont have to babysit adults anymore.

What that means for me is shorter hours at work and longer days with my kids. That means that I get to do the minimal office stuff and still get to enjoy being out of the mommy role for awhile so I do not loose my sanity but I will be able to easily get back into my mom groove at home because I wont be as tired as I am now when I get home.

What that means for me, is more of the happy I crave and less of the stress I desired.

This internal struggle I have been having has brought a lot to my eyes. I believe it was meant for me to have this happen so I could get the grasp back onto my reality. That my kids, will only be kids so long. That I really don’t want the grandparents to experience Gunner’s firsts. That I want to be there like I was with Wyatt. And if that takes me to stop my career step climbing for now than it does and you know what so what. SO WHAT. I can work my ass off again when my kids are grown and I can find a place in the job world again if I want and I know I will rock it then just like I have been now.

But I, I get to rock at being a mom and that my friends is harder and more of challenge for me then any old corporate office because I have to answer to myself. And I can be a tuff boss.

A plan I never intended to make.

You know what's hard? Making a choice that you never intended to make. A choice that others have already planned for you and their exceptions do not necessarily meet yours. And then your there stuck in the middle panicking and changing your mind each day wondering what the hell you got yourself into not wanting to disappoint either party but hoping that you make the right choice for yourself.

I go to work each day and each day my bosses tell me what they see for me in the future of the company. Its all laid out there for me. They already have it planned, when I’ll start this new roll and what my responsibility's will be and they tell me how successful I’ll be and then I’ll go home and Cody has it all laid out and planned there for me also. He sees me raising our sons, running the house hold and sees me successful there too.

All I see for myself is, nothing. A big old nothing.

Here I am stuck and having this internal struggle within myself. How do I pick? Do I choose the success at my job, at a chance to grow my career? Hopefully more money? Or do I choose more time with my boys which would require me to give up my title, office MY idea of who I am and go back to being “just a mom.” but be there, truly home, I’d get to see all Gunner’s firsts. I could also join the PTA when Wyatt goes to kindergarten this year. I’d be able to be the mom they deserve. A mom I know I can be.

and just when I feel like I know what I want, something changes my mind in a plan I never intended to make.