I belong deeply to myself

Far off moments seem to take me away to the places I’ve been with you before. I can think back to the time that I started to first study your face. The blanket softly pulled over chin only exposing your rosy checks which nestled so sweetly against my blankets. As you lay silently dreaming. I’d count the freckles on your face. One, two, three. I’d count them over until they began to look like the big dipper. One here and one placed so perfectly that way. Star gazing it become. I got to star gaze while you lay dreaming.

Today as you lay the same 10 years later in our bed with our blankets pulled over your chin I again got to star gaze. Only this time your face was a little older and the freckles a little lighter. As I traced them with my finger and sweetly kiss each one I imagine that you were dreaming of the moment I first star gazed with you.

Were you dreaming of me too?

You began to quietly wake, your eyes fluttering softly as they opened and you squished a little grin out and grab ahold of me quickly. As we giggled in bed together I thought about 10 years or so ago. I belong deeply to myself but today, this morning we belong entwined together.  Deeply together.

You are my universe and I yours.

I want to wake up in your hair.

Three questions | by Caitlyn Siehl

My mother tells me

that when I meet someone I like,
I have to ask them three questions:

1. what are you afraid of?
2. do you like dogs?
3. what do you do when it rains?

of those three, she says the first one is the most important.
“They gotta be scared of something, baby. Everybody is. If they aren’t afraid of anything, then they don’t believe in anything, either.”

I met you on a Sunday, right
after church.
one look and my heart fell into
my stomach like a trap door.

on our second date,
I asked you what you were afraid of.
“spiders, mostly. being alone. little children, like, the ones who just learned how to push a kid over on the playground. oh and space. holy shit, space.”
I asked you if you liked dogs.
“I have three.”
I asked you what you do when it rains.
“sleep, mostly. sometimes I sit at the window and watch the rain droplets race. I make a shelter out of plastic in my backyard for all the stray animals; leave them food and a place to sleep.”

he smiled like he knew.
like his mom told him the same
thing.
“how about you?”

me?
I’m scared of everything.
of the hole in the o-zone layer,
of the lady next door who never
smiles at her dog,
and especially of all the secrets
the government must be breaking
it’s back trying to keep from us.
I love dogs so much, you have no idea.
I sleep when it rains.
I want to tell everyone I love them.
I want to find every stray animal and bring them home.
I want to wake up in your hair
and make you shitty coffee
and kiss your neck
and draw silly stick figures of us.
I never want to ask anyone else
these questions
ever again.

Originally found on this blog and just had to share with you… this is how I feel about Cody.

Oh Hello Summer.

  

Hello summer, you are slowly making your way to us. We’ve spent our days as of late basked in your warmth and allowed the grass to tickle us as we laid to watch the puff clouds you make so graciously for us to gaze at in your bright blue sky.

Oh hello summer, your sunshine is like powdered gold over the grassy hillside where we will beg for ice cream cones, lakes to cool our toes in and craved only barbeque treats.

We ask for fire pits in your cool evenings to help melt sticky marshmallows and clear nights to see nothing but the thousand stars in your deep night sky.

Oh hello summer,  you come to slow and leave to quick but this year, this year we will do nothing but enjoy you.

Your a surprise party waiting to burst out.

How do I feel about this second kid who is still growing inside me? I am unsure with how my emotions should be. I know that I am excited to hold him for the first time and put a face to this tiny heart beat that squished up against my belly. That I will get to count his toes on the feet that kick each time he hears his daddy. That I will get another hand to hold, another mouth to kiss, another soul to love.

Your like a secret hidden inside that boggles my mind. Who is this baby, I know nothing about? I knew instantly everything about Wyatt before he was here. I dreamt of him and how he’d look and what he’d be like but you darling boy, are a secret.

Your a surprise party waiting to burst out. You are something I seem to know nothing about. You are shocker, a absolute wonder and I am amazed at how well you keep a secret.

Who is this baby of mine? Are you going to be like you dad or maybe like me or are you something that no one has ever seen before.

I have one hundred and forty forty days to go before I get to meet you, which just seems to long. I don't even have name to call you yet. Most days I feel normal like there is not a another soul inside of me and then you kick, squirm or flip to remind me that you are here and then I sit and ponder you. The secret boy with no name.

I imagine dark hair softly placed on your head and tiny toes and little fingers and little ears and just you little. I imagine what your cry will be like and how you will fit in my arms and how different it will be to actually hold something so tiny again. I imagine the way you will look at me, with big brown eyes and then I imagine you different. Maybe you'll be blonde like Wyatt and have the same eyes has him or maybe you will have red hair. Will you be bigger than he was? Will you cry be new to me? Will I instantly fall for you like I fell for Wyatt?

Oh little baby, who is such a secret I cant wait to meet you. Where all my questions will be answered and I will sit in disbelief and be completed astounded at who you are.

Release me.

Oh spring, release me from this coiled and constrained position. Move me swiftly into another world where the light is held on by the warmth and the grass tickles our toes and the clouds puff themselves up to show off their soft corners that need to be touched in just away, that air is the only thing that wont break them.

Thrust me forward to the days where popsicles melt and sticky fingers are the only way to where them on your hand. Where mud pies are the only pies we can eat and puddles beg to be jumped in.

Oh spring, spark you magic on the flowers to open their shells. I yearn to watch them bloom. Their soft petals carefully slide open to finally feel the air touch their skin while the rain thirsts to kiss their cheeks.

Let the birds sing sweetly, eagerly as they dart to and fro. Let the began take place. Let me rise, extend, birth into this new life where growth is just a matter of time.

Oh spring, release me from this coiled and constrained position. I need to stretch, bend, explode, move on from this winter monotonous routine. I am tired, bored, uninterested of these gloomy days where nothing but hopelessness surrounds us.

Oh spring where are you? I need, no yet demand that you come and take me where the light is held on by the warmth and the grass will in fact tickle our toes.

my toes are still cold.

My toes are wrapped in a thick blanket covered with two pairs of socks and I have the only standing heater on high blowing in my direction but my toes are still cold.

My day has been filled with a little longing of that happy I was trying to find and yet yesterdays disasters kept creeping into my today.

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Those moments seem to bring nothing but hurt and I continued to dig deeper into the disasters. I screamed in the car on my way to work and said things to myself that I thought would make it all better and yet it didn't. I planned revenge and had the chance placed in my hands for it and then I stopped it wasn't worth creating another day of this.

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So I stopped. Took my self away from those thoughts. Avoiding the same thing I would normally do. I came home and I looked in his direction and ponder on why I loved him and not on why he made me mad and then I saw it.

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His olive skin, cute freckles placed in random places on his rosy cheeks. He freshly cut hair, but it was more than that. He was my husband. He is the one who holds me, kisses my tears, listens when I desperately need the extra ears.

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He is the one, who gives me the only heater, he is the one who gives me the thickest blanket and he is the one who will warm up my toes when we sleep tonight.

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He is my one and he is my happy.

Well hello December.

Well hello December,

Hello Christmas, Hello lights, Hello hot chocolate, Hello Christmas carols, Hello winter wonderlands, Hello presents, Hello wool socks, Hello family gatherings, Hello Christmas trees, Hello holding hands, Hello Santa, Hello extra blankets, Hello stockings.

Hello Christmas cookies, Hello snow, Hello sledding, Hello warm fireplaces, Hello scarfs and sweaters, Hello Christmas joy… Hello, oh hello December. How we've waited for you.

and I mummer…

I'm there. I am to the point where the stress is stuck deep in my chest and its not leaving. The anxiety is bursting its way down my arms and I can feel it shaking its way out of the tips of my fingers and I could literally grab onto something and not let go and squeeze until it feels the same stress I do.

I think that might be the only way for it to go away.

When I sit and close my eyes and try to find the source of it all I feel is it bubbling up in my throat and I mummer… work, husband, deadlines, lies, the lack of me time, bills, money, life, husband, work, dirty dishes… the mundane.

I have said it and I will say it again, I need an adventure. I need the surprise up and go, drive until we cant drive anymore, no plans, wind in my hair, wild nights, freedom. I need freedom.

to be alive.

“Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep really sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.”-William Saroyan

An old poem

 

 Image

I love the way you look in the morning when you first wake up. The way your eyes slowly open to discover the light, your hair mashed and squished against the pillow.
The way you look towards me in the mirror as I fix my hair and lightly brush my make up on. The way you grudgingly get out of bed and touch my back as you pass me.
The way you thoughtfully say you love me and kiss my forehead. The way you grab the keys to warm up my car.

The way you sit out in the cold while I finish my morning routeing to keep my seat warm. The way you drop me off at work each morning even when its out of your way.
The way you call me while your busy at work just to let me know that you love me.The way your face lights up as your picking me up from work.
The way you laugh at the stupid nonsense I say as we pull into your driveway. The way you look at me in deep thought as you get out of the car.

The way you come into your room with a slight smile on your face after you’ve brushed your teeth. The way you sit right next to me on your bed and we talk until our thoughts run dry. The way we head back to my apartment holding hands quietly and I love the way at night just before we slip into a deep sleep you kiss and tell me you love me holding me tight for me to know that no harm will happen to me.

The way you try to get comfortable on my hard bed just to be next to me when I know you wish to be in yours and the way I know that I will love you always.

And Oh how I love the way you look in the morning when you first wake up.