That’s not me.

I’ve been pretty distant from writing on my blog for a lot of reasons. Mostly because I didn’t want to admit my failure to the world. But I know for me if I don’t then I can not move on and grow.

I fell hard on day 24 of my Whole30 and I have yet to pick myself up. Right now I am sipping on a wild cherry Pepsi after eating a cheese sandwich and I have a major headache which I know is do to my poor choices of what I had for lunch. I have been to embarrassed to talk about why I fail and why I haven't stop falling. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I was doing so good and then my father in law passed away on Feb 04 instead of me dealing with that head on and like a big girl I found the biggest candy bar I could in my husbands stash and I secretly ate it while my kids were napping. I scarfed that sucker down and then I cried. Cried for my father in law not because I ate that candy bar.

Then I pretended for the last 6 days of my whole30. I pretended to eat whole in front of people. I would make good healthy meals, eat them and then when I had a chance to be alone I’d go to taco bell and order a huge burrito with cash so it wouldn’t show up on the bank account and I’d inhale it.

Then my “whole30” was up and I weighed myself and I lost 16lbs! and I was so excited and thrilled. I couldn’t believe it. Then we had my FIL memorial and I ate for the “first time” regular food and I didn’t reintroduce food in like I was suppose too. and I openly ate out with the husband and didn’t cook. I let my veggies I had in my fridge rot, I stopped going to the gym everyday and I made it to two classes in the last two weeks.

I just didn’t care enough. It was easy to not work on being healthy. But then I started to feel gross, sick, bloated, gassy, and huge. And I knew, I always knew that this wasn’t me. This isn't who I want to be.

I don’t want to be the mean grumpy mom who sits on the couch and yells at her kids because she has a food headache and is tired for doing nothing all day. Who hates herself. That’s not me.

And even though in that 2 week melt down I gained it all back and lost myself again I am starting over. I am picking myself back up, dusting off my shoulders and being 100% honest with you all because its important to you to know that it happens and to me.

March 1st is my new true whole 30 start date. I am not going to half fast it this time either. I am going full throttle on this bitch. I am going to prep, plan, eat, exercise. I am going to become that women I know I am. That bad ass bitch who is stronger then fuck  and who kicks some serious ass.

I am going to be healthy and not focus on loosing weight but focus on being healthy in every aspect of my life.

I am going to stumble through this and you will too but that doesn’t mean we can’t win. I am going to win this battle this year even if it kills me.

Whole 30 week 2

Well week two is completed! Phew. On this post I am not going to go into detail of what food I ate, if you’d like to see it head over to my instagram page and check out #audreyeatswhole. What I am going to do is talk about how much this program has already changed me.

First lets talk days 8-9. They were a bitch. I was mad. Hated everyone and everything. I lost my cool like no other and it was over nothing but thank goodness I knew that this phase was coming. it still didn’t change the fact that I was dealing with them and for me they came late so it was a little harder to adjust to that. Then day 9-10 were even worse. I had the most bubbly stomach ever. It hurt, I was bloated I always felt like I needed to poop or fart. It was like the worst period pains you’ve ever had. I was concerned it was something else. But thanks to my whole 30 support group on FB they assured me that it was normal. (also I have yet to have a solid poop. TMI but hey you need to know.)

So after all that junk happened. Something amazing happened. I felt so clear headed, had energy for days. I slept so well and had normal dreams again. I could get up with my alarm at 5am and never needed to snooze it. Some days I’d wake up before it.

I felt like a true morning person.

I could exercise with out any issues and I actually wanted too. I was able to get up early in the morning and get in an hour worth of exercise, cook a homemade breakfast for 4 days straight in a row all before taking Wyatt to school. Were as before this I could barely get up and throw cereal into a bowl before shuttling him half asleep to school.

I also managed to D E c l u t t e r 3 whole rooms this week (and if you know my hoarder of a husband then you know how much of a task this was.) and cook 3 square meals a day.

Can you say tiger blood!!

Sheesh. Food is your best medicine. I am still in shock at how much better I feel. I came into this program wanted to feel better about myself and my health and my body  and I have never been so connected to my mind, body soul before. It’s the most intense feeling I have ever felt. I see it only getting better from here.

I know you also want to know cravings. If I have had them, acted on them etc. Well to be truthful. I have not craved anything really. I actually crave veggies and apple sausage a lot. I used to be one of those people who’d drive past fast food place and want to eat there so badly that I would think about it all day and now I drive past them and think to myself how much better I can cook then that old greasy hamburger they have and how much better carrot fries are. That right there is amazing.

I was a food addict. If I thought about fast food that day I would have to go and get some even if I have already eaten or if I was full or even if I wasn’t hungry so to not do that now at day 15. Is mind blowing!

Goals for this week:

• Try different kinds of veggies (just tried turnips for the first time and OMG delicious!)
• Drink more water. I still struggle drinking in-between meals.
• Work out 6 days a week.
• Drink a kombucha every week.
• Take my dogs out walking (not really whole 30 but hell they need to feel as good as I do.)

Whole 30 Week one

So its been a week. One whole lovely little week of eating clean, exercising and kicking ass and I can honestly say that its been great. I don’t feel overly tired, I don’t crave to much of the processes foods I once loved. I haven't been bloated or gassy like most who are in their first week. But I chock that up to doing a whole lot of practicing before hand. I mean I pretty much ate whole. I didn’t eat a lot of dairy (besides my beloved cheese.) and I tried to eat a lot of veggies before and I also didn’t eat a whole lot of grains/bread/beans.

I did have my self some good old Mexican food a few days before as my goodbye meal. I scarfed that huge enchilada down and felt super super gross afterwards and the whole next two days had stomach issues.  So it was a huge sign to me that what I was about to start would be all worth it.

Alright lets break it down day by day shall we?

Day one: Easy!!! It was like no big deal to get up before Wyatt went to school cook up some yummy breakfast and shuttle him of to school. I even did a 90 minute Zumba class before picking him up. The only hard part of the day was timing the meals. I ate breakfast at 7:30am then lunch at 12:00 pm but then we went to SLC to check out TJs and Wholefoods and didn’t get home until 7:30pm and I was DYING!!! I was soooo hungry! I didn’t bring a snack and normally we would have stop and ate somewhere but I was not about to do that. So lesson learned. Don’t go on a big trip with out packing food. ugh.

• Meal one: Scrambled eggs with chicken apple sausage, green onions, sweet potatoes cooked with coconut oil.
• Meal two: Chicken apple sausage with shredded white sweet potatoes spinach green onions cooked with avocado oil with a side of guacamole and blood oranges.
• Meal three: Stuff spinach Burgers with fried potatoes bits and plantain chips all fried up in coconut oil.

Day two: Still easy. Got up before school, cooked breakfast, ate with the kids. After School heated up left overs which the kids were soooo thrilled about. Did some T25 during nap time, cleaned the house, started dinner early and took Wyatt to karate class. I mean it was a normal day. I didn’t crave anything really, I didn’t eat snacks during the day. It was pretty boring. I did end up going out to a movie with the husband and he got popcorn and a soda and I didn’t. I thought it would have been hard to see him munching away but it wasn’t.

• Meal One: Omelet cooked in coconut oil stuffed with misc. veggies and apple sausage with a side of apples.
• Meal Two: Left over stuff burgers from the day before with sweet potatoes fries cooked in avocado oil and a side of bananas.
• Meal Three: Turkey Chili made with organic sugarless tomatoes paste, potatoes, carrots, tomatoes, garlic etc. The only thing I wish I would have wanted was some guacamole or something because when I sat down to eat this I wanted cheese and sour cream soooo bad plus I didn’t have enough fat for the chili so I was pretty hungry by the time I went to bed.

 

Day Three: Lets talk about the headaches. OMG. They came fast and lasted A L L day long. Nothing helped. It was also the first day I went to work doing this program. And work is a trigger for me. I want Mt. Dew and food court food and the vender machines always call my name. Plus my work uses candy as a prize for a lot metrics they do. But I did great!

• Meal one:  Eggs with veggies and compliant bacon.
• Meal two: A delicious burger salad you see pictured down there. It was left over stuff burgers from the other day over spinach with sweet potatoes all mixed with coconut oil and avocados.
• Meal three: Left over turkey chili.

Day Four: Still had a bunch of headaches but felt mild compared to the day before. It was also a work day. But I still stayed strong and didn’t cave into the junk there. I also seem to have a lot of energy. I ended up coming home from work started cleaning the house, made dinner and then went to an hour of Zumba. Normally on work days I would just crash and spend the remaining of the night on the couch vegging out in front of the TV.

• Meal one: Eggs, veggies and bacon again
• Meal two: Left over chili
• Meal three: Sloppy Joes over lettuce with an spicy orange and avocado salad. (the kids had their Sloppy Joes on buns.) pictured below.

Day five: Nothing out of the ordinary. No headaches, normally I would have napped on this day while Gunner took his nap but nope I didn’t. I was up and about and even made homemade mayo! I will never buy mayo again. ever. I even did another hour of Zumba. The only thing I can say about this day was that I struggled with my work out. It was hard to keep up and when I got home that night I crashed out on the couch. It could be that my work out was in the evening that day or it could be because of the program. Not sure.

• Meal one: Broccoli slaw topped with apple sausage and eggs and a side of bacon.
• Meal two: Tuna apple and broccoli slaw salad with homemade mayo with a side of apples.
• Meal three: Apple sausage and guacamole with spinach

Day 6: I was tired. So tired all I wanted to do was sleep. But I didn’t I kicked myself into gear and sorted through all the kids toys. It was also a rest day for me so no exercise. Thank god.

• Meal one: Mustard sausage with spinach and sweet potatoes. I threw in 1 TBL spoon mayo and mixed all together. It was soooo good!
• Meal two: Mustard tuna apple salad. (this was a oops I didn’t plan shiz for lunch let me throw stuff together. it was alright but not really. ha ha ha.)
• Meal three: Chicken lime burger from TJs over spinach topped with compliant bacon, tomatoes and red onions. The sauce is homemade avocado ranch. OMG! the sauce. YUM! 

Day 7: This was a pretty big day all in itself for being 1 week of eating 100% whole30 but it was also where the family and I went to a car show in SLC for 4 1/2. That means away from my appliances. So I freaked myself out a little. What was I going to bring how was I going to eat etc. But all in all it was fine. I actually felt better then I would have before this. I would have wanted all the vendors food and the smell of it all would have made me super hungry. But I was clear headed and had energy to walk everywhere. Didn’t even sit down once. Where before I would be looking for a bench.

• Meal one: A huge breakfast. I made a huge omelet stuffed with garden veggies then had shredded sweet potatoes apple sausage and guacamole. cooked all in coconut oil. I figured if I had enough good fat that I wouldn’t struggle up there.
• Meal two: blood oranges, and a homemade taco salad with avocado ranch sauce and filled with onions, spinach, avocados.
• Meal three: Left overs from lunch.

*No pictures because well I was busy have fun.

Okay so for my first week the things I noticed was I eat a ton of sweet potatoes and I don’t drink enough water. (only drank it when I had a meal.) I still struggle with going to bed before 10pm because that’s when my husband and I have alone time. I feel super tired by 10pm but force myself to stay awake. So I am going to work on those things. Also, I am currently breaking out a lot. I think its due to my body releasing all the junk. I am not gassy or bloated like others say they are but I think its due to the fact that I ate mostly whole before. I also am short tempered if I don’t eat when I am hungry (aren’t we all) and I find that I needed some snacks here and there. Which were mostly an apple or some oranges or I would drink water and then feel fine.

But that’s it folks. First week completed. When you break it down it doesn’t seem that hard (yet.) I do have a lot of dishes and I am grateful that my husband is a produce manager because he brings home stuff for me mostly every night or it would be costly. especially since I am a throw it all together not really plan it out kind of gal. I cook what I want to eat. Maybe in the next few weeks I will learn to plan out better but for now it works.

How's everyone else doing? any of you trying the whole30 or want too?

Lets not talk about it.

Okay fine we will. But I will throw in a lot of excuses and whining. Which we all know don’t matter but it makes me feel better.

On Monday I was doing good with eating (mind you I don’t start my #whole30 until the 12th so I am just preparing myself.) I had breakfast, cooked a good meal did a lot of chores around the house and felt productive. It was nice. My Zumba class was later in the evening and Cody was on his way home from doing his order at work and he voxered me (best app ever. look it up. Its basically a walkie talkie and its better then calling or texting. its saves our lives seriously. okay not really but it is awesome.) telling me that he was going to pick up some pizza for him and the kids since I will be gone for 90+ minutes doing Zumba and he didn’t have anything to cook him and the kids. (that was unhealthy and that he wants to eat.) Fine, whatever. I said. He came home with 2 pizzas and they began to eat them while I was tying my shoes to head out to Zumba. If you follow my personal Facebook then you read about how jealous I was that they got to eat pizza. 

I cried in the car on the way to Zumba. Over pizza. I want to chock it up to being on my period but I think even if I wasn’t I still would have. I think it hit me, that I was going on the trip down a healthy road all by my self. That those guys at home would be able to eat drink what they want and me, I would be stuck eating veggies. I know that I am doing it for the right reason.  Blah blah blah. but at that moment it sucked being the only one.

My kids cringe when ever I cook healthy meals that have veggies on the plate or stuck in the food I made. They cry or don’t eat it until I get so annoyed that I have to go eat in another room so I don’t see their unhappy faces. My husband, well he just doesn’t eat now. Partly because he is a picky eater and the other part is that he never really likes to eat anyway. Some days I have to force him too.

I got home from Zumba feeling pumped because I felt good that I didn’t cave and didn’t eat a slice of pizza. I ate my left over meat ball soup it was delicious. But then morning came.

Cody was at work and that box of left over pizza was in the fridge and I cooked it up for the kids and then I ate it too. More like devoured it. Then I drank soda all day, had popcorn all while I was cooking a healthy turkey in my oven to prep my whole 30 meals. It was bad.

I am not mad at myself for eating that pizza but more mad at myself that I didn’t have the self control to not eat it. I saw myself in a light that I never really did before. I saw who I was on the outside. I never considered myself fat, like I get that I am but I never looked at myself like that. I love who I am and I am not doing this journey to be a stick think little woman.

But yesterday, I saw myself as a fat huge person who was gross. I saw all the things I didn’t like about myself and I sat there staring at the person in the mirror. Thinking how I will never be able to loose weight or get back to how I used to be because I have no self control.

It was so bad that when my husband tried to hug me when he got home I said “I don’t even know how you could be attracted to me.” and pulled away.

I went to bed that night and had a nightmare. Not about weight or me but about my kids being murder. I mean it was a dark dark dream. I woke up and thought what the hell Audrey get your shit together.

So I am, again. and I know that I will have to do it again and again. Over and over. But I am going to succeed at this. I am going to become the person I feel I am. Not who I saw in the mirror yesterday, not the person who pulls away from my husband. But the Audrey I know I am.

The Funny, outgoing, HEALTHY women. Even if she’s 100lbs overweight right now because my god she deserves to be love too.

My Relationship with food

I have always been an eater of all things. I love the way that all food tastes. I like the way a simple meal can be turned into a all day event with people surrounding you laughing and loving and eating. I am not one that would pass up on the treats you made or a good cheesy something or other. Or the pasta. I love me some pasta. But what really gets me all wild is some good authentic Mexican food. I could eat a good spice bowl of that or you know what I really love, street tacos. Yep, that’s my all time favorite.

So when I announced to my family that I was going to get on the whole 30 trend. They were like “What?! Why?! You love fooooood!” My husband was the worst too because well he’s seen me at my worst. Binge eating and then crying because I did it. He didn’t think I’d make it. I’ve been on health kicks before but haven't we all. I remember at the start of our marriage he bought me work out clothes a ton of tennis shoes that I wanted and he watched as they sat there collecting dust.

He bought gym memberships after memberships and watched as I gave up a few days, weeks later. He watched as I came home and cried because I just got home from working out with my sister and I couldn’t run up the stairs she wanted me too.

He would comfort me. Take me out to a nice place to eat because he knew that would make me happy again. He has seen me at my worst.

So when he came home one day and I told him that I was going to get healthy again. He just passed it off. He passed it off when I shuttled him around to a different gym each week trying them out to find the best one. He passed it off when I bought work out clothes again. He passed it off when I went out running and was a little annoyed that I did. He passed it all off because he thought I’d give up like I did before.

He started to notice when I stopped binge eating. When I wanted to cook meals instead of going out. When I actually used the veggies I begged him to bring home with him from work. He started to notice when I kept running leaving him with the kids at night. He started to notice when I run a 5k. He started to notice when he bought me 2 pant sizes smaller in clothes. He noticed when he waited for me at the finish line at my half marathon and I ran into his arms and sobbed.

My relationship with food has always been more then the food part. It has been about the me part. The part where I judged myself, where I didn’t like who I was. The part where I believe that I wasn’t strong enough. That being unhealthy was fine, easier and acceptable.

The Whole 30 program for me is not a diet. It’s a kick start for me. It going to help me understand what food actually means and does to me personally. It will help me build a better relationship with my food. Give me to ability to still eat food I love but just in a healthier way.

I have already tried to pre start it not being so strict every day (but I have gone 2 weeks straight) so I will be ready and I already noticed the difference when I eat whole compared to eating processed foods. I already know that when I ate grains I become instantly grumpy and mean and then crash into a sleepy slumber mood. When I drink soda I get a cold the next day. Like I get a itchy sore throat and running nose. Cheese my favorite thing ever, gives me headache.

So it’ll be interesting to see if I can stick to a strict 30 day of no sugar, grains, dairy and legumes. If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would be a path to eating healthy food aka veggies and running half marathons (and training for more.) I would have thought you were crazy.

It just takes one day to believe in yourself and to work hard for more then a few weeks to see that it is all worth it. All of it.

Here is to getting healthy this year.

(If you want to join me on the whole 30 program I am starting on January 12th with a bunch of internet friends at Team Whole on instagram.)