You are safe, I am here.

As my husband walked in after a long day of work. I saw his face, his body stiff like it gets when he is too over stimulated. The stress starts to buckle up and snap all his limbs into one stiff position. That the only way for him to loosen them is too collapse on the floor in the fetal position.

I’ve been here with him like this, more times than I can count. Before, I would beg to find the answer. Why? I always asked him. Why? What's wrong, what happened? Then I’d get mad and scream, Snap out it! Everything is fine! Pull yourself together.

Now, it's different. I might not understand why or even have an answer to why it happens but now, now I get it that he can’t control it. Its funny to me that, it took me having a son with autism the same issues undiagnosed I’ve dealt with from my husband to realized that of course Cody as autism too.

As he walked in the house, the dogs, kids rushed up and screamed, laughed and wanted to celebrate his arrival but they were meet with hostility. He stiffened and held his hands to his ears.That was my first sign, I quickly jumped up and shuttled them all away knowing that this was indeed a “red” moment. We learned with going to therapy for Gunner’s autism that to help him understand where he's at emotionally we use a scale. Yellow for “just fine” Green for “starting to go” Red for “Extreme uncontrollable emotions.”

I now use this with Cody. It helps me to understand where he is at and it helps him to have something to focus on and know that he might not be in control now, but he could be.

As I shuttled the kids away and put the dogs outside. I told Wyatt the oldest. “Dad’s at a red. I need you to distracted the littles.” He jumps up just like I did. (I wish that I wouldn't have to have him help me when we get into these moments but I believe strongly that it helps him understand his brother more as well as his dad.) Wyatt rounds up the littles and heads to the other room distracting them with play. I walk into my bedroom to see him already naked on the floor, rocking back and forth. I worry that I am too late.

I sit down next to him. Quite. I wrapped my arms tightly around his stiff naked body and breath. Careful, to not breathe to fast or too slow. I let him rock me as he rocks himself and I repeat slowly, “You are safe. I got you.” “You’re in a safe place. I’m not letting you go.” Over and over I say these words. Trying so hard to keep my emotions out of it. I swallow my tears and push my fears away because this is not the time for them.

Minutes pass as we rock back and forth on the floor. Sometimes he’d hit himself in the face and I’d have to hold on tighter and say louder “You are safe, you are safe. I am here…” over and over. I grabbed his thick blanket I made him and throw it over his now cold naked body. Pressing my body up against his so he could feel that I was there with him.

The rocking finally starts to slow. I can hear the kids running around destroying the house and I can imagine the pleas Wyatt is thinking as he is the one in charge. But I can’t let that stop me from being here with Cody. I use too. I use to leave Cody alone, frighten. Unable to control himself. I can’t do that anymore.

Abruptly, he stops. Throws the blanket off him and heads into our master bath and gets into the shower. I leave without saying anything, shut the door behind me. Wyatt and I scramble to pick up the house that the littles destroyed in the last half hour because we know that anything right now could put him back into a red again and we don’t want that to happen.

He finishes his shower, heads out in the living room, picks up the littles, throws them in the air. Just as he would, if it was not a red day. Together, we put the kids into the bath, and put them in their jammies. He tucks them in, like any other night. I don’t mention his episode. If this was a few years ago I would have. I would have demanded to know the Why and not let it go until I had some reason for it. But tonight, as I see him tucking in the kids and as he kisses Gunner our autistic son goodnight. Gunner squirms away from his touch.

We look at each other with the understand that although tonight was a red night we actually both were able to let it go. I sigh, kiss him, he squirms just like Gunner and I think, well that went well.

(Cody and Gunner taking his motocylce out of our garage for the spring.)

It was bad. Bath worthy bad.

Last night took forever for it to change into morning. Cody and I found ourselves waking up every hour last night and both being surprised that it has yet to move on to another hour. But before we get into that let me back up here for a moment so that you can see why the night needed to quickly move on.

 We spent the evening at a restaurant with the kids. We ate the delicious food, tasting what each one order, talked quietly about nothing and just plain adore each other’s company.

We then drove to target, tossed the kids into the shopping cart, threw in the cart some amazing light up bouncing balls that we just had to have, found in dollar bin area all the while shopping for our upcoming family vacation to Zions.

We get home, to only discovered that Annie had the biggest poop blow out that you ever did see. It was everywhere, all over her flower leggings, all over her car seat, dripping down her legs when I picked her up.

It was bad. Bath worthy bad.

Of course we get home right at bedtime. So we all are rushing to brush teeth, getting Wyatt’s backpack ready for school the next day, put jammies on, find blankets, teddy bears and getting the millionth drink of water before daddy flies the boys like airplanes to bed for the night.

I of course am still dealing with the bath worthy poop of Annie’s. I finally get her cleaned, dressed and I throw her dirty clothes on top of the washer telling myself that I will put them in when I am done. (Which I still have yet to do.) By this time, she is so tired mad that she won’t even latch on to feed. She’s screaming her lungs out and I can’t get her settled.

At this point Cody and I have to take turns bouncing her. An hour later, she finally settles. Now at the same time she’s fussy Bella the dog is whining because earlier in the day she thought it would be a fantastic idea to eat my shoe laces. Now her tummy hurts.

So we are letting her in and out and then in and then out. We are hoping, crossing our fingers that the boys don’t wake up with all this commotion.

It turns midnight, finally. Bella is still outside, Annie is finally asleep and it’s our bedtime. I softly lay Annie in her basinet as Cody let’s Bella back in. We finally lay down and are quickly asleep.

Annie wakes up which is unlike her to feed. I look at the clock its only 1am. I feed her and fall back asleep. Then Bella starts to whine again, Cody gets up and takes her out. Its only 1:15am. We fall back asleep. Bella whines to come in, we wake up, I put Annie in her basinet and Cody lets Bella back in. Its 1:30am. We say to each other how is it is still 1 in the morning? We fall back asleep.

Bella whines wakes Annie. We decide to leave Bella outside for a few hours (we set an alarm.) I get Annie and feed her again. It’s now 2am. We fall back asleep.

3am rolls around, I get a tap tap tap on my knee. I wake up its Wyatt he has had a bad dream and I realize that I am somehow still feed Annie.He climbs into our bed. We fall asleep again.

The alarm goes off to let Bella back in. It’s now 4am. Cody goes and gets her, I wake Wyatt and tell him that Dad will tuck him back into his bed. I still am somehow nursing Annie.

Wyatt gets out of our bed goes with Cody. I unattached Annie from my breast and put her back into her bed. Its 4:30am.

Cody comes back to bed, Bella too. We fall asleep again. It’s now 5am.

6am rolls around, Annie cries to feed again which is unlike her. I get up, get her again somehow and nurse her while I fall back to sleep.

My alarm goes off its 7am. Time to officially wake up. I hand Annie who’s still asleep to Cody to have him hold her in our bed, get up and make breakfast, tired.

Sometimes, parenthood is full of nights that move too slowly only to leave you feeling unrested but I know that one day I will miss the middle of the nights nursing a little baby. And the times, that the only way my kids will feel better after a bad dream is to come cuddle with me in my bed. So I’ll take these long tired nights over any well-rested night, every time.

Yesterday I forgot.

Yesterday I forgot to do the dishes, run and tidy up the house according to the productive app on my phone. But what I didn’t forget to do was be fully there with my oldest.  

After Gunner’s behavioral therapist appointment, Gunner gathered all his trucks and buses, made a parking lot on the couch and played quietly, Annie nursed and Wyatt and I talked.

Wyatt, he tends to get lost in the shuffle of the younger kids who demand more attention from Cody and I. We haven’t really been able to have a real solid conversation with each other for a really long time and few weeks ago I thought about how honestly I could not remember when we ever did. That really bothered me. So I have been more diligent about making sure to have a real one on one time set aside just for him.

I invited him to join me and my sister in our 52 week hiking challenge. Where each week we take to the mountains and hike our butts off.  Which at first he didn’t want to do but after the first hike he was hooked.

The funny about hiking is that no matter what, you have to have conversations. There is no way around it. I have learned more about him and my sister in the last three weeks than ever before.

I also see how strong he is. Sometimes while my sister and I are talking, he’ll run up ahead of us and have us time him to see how long it’ll take him to run up to a tree. I can say that I can’t do that quite yet. But I do plan on it. (He’s challenged me.)

What I have learned through hiking with him, is that he is goal orientated and way driven. He likes to be challenged. To have a goal that may not be very accessible to others but to him it is.

The other day when I was marking off tasks on my productive app he leaned over and stated that he wanted that app on his iPad because he liked that it showed how many days in a row you accomplish something and that is what he needs in his life.

So yesterday as Gunner played parking lot we loaded a task app called Swipe (since the “productive” one I used isn’t available on the iPad) entered in all the tasks that he wanted to accomplish in a day and he beamed. This is what he needed.

He put things on his list like feed the dog, read 20 mins each night, then he put things on there that I didn’t think he really cared about. Like cook dinner with mom. That surprised me.

He run around the house seeing how many tasks he could complete. Practice karate. Check. Make your bed. Check.

Then we spent the mid evening in the kitchen cooking, laughing, talking with each other that spread out into the evening that when the dishes were left in the sink and the run I needed to do so badly beeped up on my phone for me to accomplish I didn’t hesitate to skip the task.

Because I was doing that one thing that shouldn’t have been on my list of things to accomplish, spending time with my oldest.

Update: I found an even better app for him. It is called Monster Chore. It gives him rewards points for each chore that he completes and then he can use those rewards to purchase things from his dad and I. Like a trip to a museum. Plus it will beep on my phone when he actually said he did the chores so I can approve that it was done or not. I really like it

Definitely not a vacation

It was funny, the other day Cody and I were having one of those parenting days that just are so hard. Every whine, every look, every poopy diaper had us on edge. And when both of us are in the overwhelmed state we simply cannot function.

So I said in a huff “Ugh, we seriously need a vacation.” To which he replied “You will be getting one in a month” hinting to the fact that school will be out soon and my job ends until the next school year starts.

I corrected him because I actually have 2 months left and I also stated that it won’t be a vacation. It will be more work for me. I will be the only one 100% of the time responsible for all of our kids all day, all night, no breaks, it will be me. That’s it.

He just laughs and blows it off and said something to the point of how work is stressful and I said “well work for me is my break. It is not stressful it’s the chance for me to get a mom break.”

I knew he did get it though.

He doesn’t understand the demand that mothers have. He doesn’t understand that you literally have no space. That no matter what room you are in the kids will follow you there. Talking, crying, screaming, wanting always wanting.

That you’ve picked up the house way to many times that by the time the end of the day comes, you could give a flying fuck how your house looks.

He didn’t get that until I came home from work yesterday.

Now I only work 5 hours a day but when I got home I could see it in his eyes. That same look of defeat I get some days.

He was rocking Annie who seemed to not want to settle. I could hear Gunner crying through the monitor because he wanted nothing to do with a nap and Wyatt was in the other room playing video games.

And that’s when he told me. Wyatt and Gunner kept coming into every room I was in. I was trying to get Annie to sleep and right when I would, they would come running in here and start wrestling. And no matter how many times I tell them to stop and go play somewhere else they wouldn’t listen.

So she hasn’t slept all day.

Then I said “see, it’s no vacation huh?” as I snatch up Annie, who settled quickly. Walked out of the room so he could take it all in. Marinate in it.

The fact that parenthood is hard most days and most definitely not a vacation.

We’ve always been kid planners.

The other night, I had a very strange dream. I was at my house with my kids who were outside playing. I proceeded to go outside and see that they with the help of our uncle (whose been working on our add on) built a crazy waterslide in all the holes we’ve have in our yard now for the add on. As I walked out there to check on them I saw them laughing and splashing in the water so instead of going out there with them I went back inside. As I came inside I went into the living room and picked up a dark full headed haired baby and began to nurse it. Just as I did that my father in law who passed away walked in the room and began to smile. As I looked up to see him I woke up.

For about a week after that or so I felt like I was pregnant. But kept writing it off that I was just paranoid. On the day I was suppose to get my period and didn’t I waited until my husband left to take our oldest to karate and I rushed out and picked up a pregnancy test.

As I sat waiting for the test results to come I kept thinking that if it is true how I would tell my husband. We’ve never really had a scare before. We’ve always been kid planners. This time was different, this time it was a surprise.

I looked down at the test and saw a very light + sign. It was to light to share the news yet with my husband. So I waited, panic and waited for a few more days to pass and I picked up the test that would tell me the word pregnant or not.

When the results came in and I saw the word pregnant. I took another test, and another test again and they all came back pregnant.

I could not swallow. I’ve never not planned a baby, what will my husband say, how would he feel. What were we going to do? Gunner my youngest is only 1 1/2. Am I ready?

So I waited again.

Until I couldn’t anymore. I showed him the test and he did what I would have if I was him. Walked out of the room and say that I couldn’t handle this right now. Because lets face it, that is what I did for a week.

The next morning, as I was getting ready for the day he said these words that made me know that he was and will always be on the same page with me and that regardless of what comes up we will do everything together. He said “So instead of making Gunner’s room into your office we will just keep that the babies room right? And put Gunner in the new room upstairs.”

Simple but what I needed to hear.

It still has taken me a little bit to wrap my head around that fact that I will be a mother again. And I know that I blessed to be able to bring a little one into the world and I am now starting to feel excited about my surprise buddle.

I am only 5 weeks along and surprisingly my due date is the 1 year anniversary of Cody’s dad’s passing February 4th. We believe that Rulan is sending this surprise buddle down to us and we are gratefully scared but grateful nonetheless.

Linking up with Mama Kat

Me, according to Wyatt.

Idea from Sometimes Sweet
1. What is something Mommy always says to you?
“Don’t panic, just breath and ask your brain whose in control?” then I say “I am.”
2. What makes Mommy happy?
”Kisses, big wet ones.”
3. What makes her sad?
”When somebody who dies.”
4. How does Mommy make you laugh?
”I laugh when she tickles me”
5. What was your Mom like as a child?
”She must be a rule follower cause she makes a lot of rules up.”
6. How old is your Mommy?
”29”
7. How tall is your Mom?
starts to count me from my head to my toes… “30 inches.”
8. What is her favorite thing to do?
”Take pictures”
9. What does your Mommy do when you're not around?
”Goes to work”
10. If your Mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
”Running”
11. What is your Mom really good at?
”Taking pictures”
12. What is she not very good at?
”Running”
13. What does your Mom do for her job?
”Teach computers”
14. What is Mommy's favorite food?
”Tacos”
15. What makes you proud of your Mom?
”Running”
16. What is Mommy's favorite thing about Daddy?
”That he’s funny”
17. What do you and your Mom do together?
”Ride bikes”
18. How are you and your Mom the same?
”I don’t think we are the same AT all”
19. How are you different?
”She’s a girl and I am a boy.”
20. How do you know that Mommy loves you?
”Cause she says that I am smart and gives me hugs and kisses.”

My kid is an asshole.

Can I just say that literally after I wrote and posted the last post I discovered that all that whining I did about me trying to be simple and blah blah blah its me not them is well bullshit. Because I have determined now that it is them. I have been getting angry and have become a shit mom because well I just cant stand it anymore.

The whining and debating and the negativity that has consumed my house lately is insane. I like to say that if mommas happy everyone's happy. But that's not the case here.

If you have read for awhile you know that my husband suffers from depression and that tends to put everyone else in the same funk and well I‘d like to think that he could snap out of it but… he has yet too. Now my six year old is starting, okay not starting but is exactly like him. He does the same whines, has the same issues that his dad does and never can see the positive in anything and having two people like that is driving me insane.

So I think by simple I mean by not having assholes around all the time.

You might think this is dramatic and well it could be but to me its not. Let me explain. We just got home from walking the dogs because I just finished that half hearted post and I was like LETS WALK THE DOGS GET FRESH AIR IN OUR LUNGS LIFE IS GRAND!!! and cue in the dramatic tantrum from Wyatt. The whining and the I don't want too….. WAH WAH WAH WAH. All the while I just grinned and barred it.

I smothered the kids in their jackets, dealt with the overly excited dogs trying to get their god damn leash on them all the while trying to convince Wyatt that a walk is good for us! You’ll see! I promise!

Then we walked and it was my feet hurt, I don’t want to push the stroller anymore, I cant hold the dogs leash mom. But we endured and took a nice hour long walk. When we got home we checked the mail and I was excited because our Christmas cards arrived and I thought Wyatt was too because he couldn’t wait to open them.

So we get in the house took off all our coats, feed the dogs and then we opened the cards and the first thing Wyatt screamed was “ I hate them!” well fuck you I thought. What an asshole.

And then well I just couldn’t take it anymore its been months of him and months of the husband not liking this, not wanting to do that or whining because I made them do something and then I some how I become the bad person in all of it.

So that was it.

I said well “Screw you Wyatt. Stop being such a asshole. I am sorry these are not to your liking but that’s what I made and took hours to make. So that’s what well be sending out.” Insert bad mom of the year here.

Yep, I called my kid an asshole and nope I don’t even feel bad for it. Because in that moment I felt like he needed to hear how big of a jerk he was being.

I got up and started to do the mad clean you know where you clean your house and grumble under your breathe about everything and anything and then in like 20 minutes your house is waaaay cleaner that it has ever been and you feel better. Yeah, I did that.

Then Wyatt and I had a heart felt conversation about manners and why it was important to consider other peoples feelings and why complaining about everything wont ever make the situation you are in any better and we talked about how to over come all of it and he apologized and I did too.

Then we made a plan.

We a planned to spend more time with just each other. We set a date wrote it on the calendar and then we did it.

And as I finish this post a few days later I realized how much I love Wyatt and how interesting he really is becoming and that spending a whole day together just him and I is important and was clearly needed.

We took the dogs on a walk, we talked over chocolate chip pancakes for lunch, we held hands and hugged more. We laughed and then we dressed ourselves in our best clothes and went and saw a live musical together.

and it was magic.

So even though this post started off as angry, bitter and filled with emotion I wont take it back. Because we both learned something that day. Me, I learned that not only do I need to live that simple life I talked about on the last post but that I also need to live the hard ones too and be true to how life really is around here.

It’s messy, tough, sometimes mean but its also wonderful, magical and full of days that can completely knock out those bad ones.

Today was one of them and I hope tomorrow will be too.

Get the Junk out of my trunk.

Guys, we are like a week away from being on the TV show hoarders. No joke. (okay maybe a little) but I am currently going on day 3 -DAY THREE!! of decluttering Wyatt’s room. It is so bad. I did not realize how much stuff he has until it kept piling higher and higher and higher in the middle of the room as he pulled everything out from under his bed, toy boxes and off his bed. I was like stunned and overwhelmed and really I couldn’t breath in his room anymore.

Do you ever think that? Where when you are completely surrounded by clutter that it takes more to breath. It stressed me STREESSES me out.  By no means am I saying that I am a clean person. I have an issue of throwing my clothes on the floor and keeping them in laundry baskets. But I could go though my stuff in one day and get rid of 90% off it with out a second thought.

But bring my husband into decluttering and then throw in Wyatt. You get a full on 3 day event. Yes, E V E N T. I literally had to sit there and talk Wyatt thru giving away his stuffed animals (which all 30 of them spent their time covering his bed to the point that he could barely sleep on it.)

He was having a full on panic attack with the thought of donating these. He swore he knew who and when he got each one. I had to ask over 10 questions about each one until finally I threw my hands up and said nope you get to keep 10 that’s it. Choose now or I will choose for you.

Talk about a quick decision. He pulled 10 like that. Then he cried for a good 30 minutes before we could move onto the next area. The first day we spent 8 hours. (yes 8) in his room. And we got no where. Expect having piles of toys and blankets and stuffed animals hanging out in my living room so my dear husband could go through them and “make sure that they are not important” to give away too.

I went to work today and when I came home. The 8 bins full of toys were still there and the husband had 1 little box half way filled with ones he would be willing to part with. So we got no where.

We did have a conversation about how this Christmas we are going to only buy 1 toy per kid with a pair of jammies and then get a family and donate to them instead. Because I can not take toys and clutter anymore.

I am on a purging kick and I am determined to to get this junk out of my trunk aka house, life and soul. I need to be able to breath again in my house and piles of shit is not helping.

(Its like this in each room. and then wait until you go into the garage. FML)

shit like this makes me want to pull my hair out.

It was my first day as a very part time working with two kids and lets just say that they did not make it sunshine and rainbows. I questioned why other mothers do this very job 24/7 with out the escape of work and adults and just plain being out of the house without their kids.

I mean I spent my morning and afternoon sorting and sorting and folding and smelling clothes and doing the thousand loads of laundry that has not been done in like 3 years.

All the while I dealt with a teething 11 month old who only wants to be held but then not held, held and then not held and then he wants to be put down so he can get into everything when he scoots about. His favorite thing right now, the dog dish full of water. He seems to think that it is his to drink out of and splash in. Its great toweling up the water mess every few hours because I forget that I left it down for the dogs to you know actually drink out of.

Oh and what I loved also about today was the sleep drunk fight of trying to give him a nap. That was my favorite. Him banging his head into mine, biting me and pulling my hair I just looked forward to that all day and Wyatt well he is on the kick of attitude galore. Its been fabulous.

He sassies me and parents Gunner to the point that I have to say “whose the parent Wyatt me or you?” and he makes messes after I just cleaned and interrupts my TV watching time and h a t e s what we are having for breakfast lunch and dinner and eats like a bird or not at all.

I mean really he wasn’t all that bad until it was time to go to karate. He lost his shoes and cant find his pants puts his shirt on backwards and says his “tooo tired to move and he look in his room already for his shoes they aren't there mom I swear” even though I stomped upstairs and found them sitting there in the middle of his room with nothing else by them which then made us late for karate and I hate being late

and don’t get me started on bed time.

the old garbage bag trick

Well I did it, I pulled the old garbage bag trick on Wyatt. You know the one where you are so fed up with his toys all over  his room and you’ve asked and asked him to clean day after day and it never happens that  you finally take a huge garbage bag to his room and stuff all his toys that he didn’t clean in to it to get him to actually care about them and finally clean. Yeah, I did that.

and it worked.

He screamed and cried at every toy I stuffed in that bag but at the end of my stuffing he begged, pleaded with me to give him another chance that he will pick it all up he sweeeaarrs this time so I did I gave him 1 hour timed to clean his room including the bag I filled and that if it wasn’t clean when the timer went off that, that was it. No more chances.

I walked down stairs finished folding the laundry and listen to him sike him self up. “Wyatt you got this mom let you have these back but you have no time to cry about it now you have to hurry it pick everything up. I got this man, oh I better not loose Scooby do, or this toy and this one etc.”

and guess what, after an hour his room was cleaner than it has ever been. Plus he was so proud of himself that all day he talked about how fast and clean his room was. How he couldn’t believe he could do it that fast.

It was a great teaching moment. I just hope it works when he is 16 because who knows what he’s room will look like then.

being a mother

The long hours early in the morning rocking back a fussy teething little one plus the countless times I have kissed boo boos and sang lullabies.  The times I have to say no, all the times that I correct the mistakes and the times that nothing but letting them cry it out helps but the times that we giggle together, oh and the times I teach them to walk and teach them to dance and when we play peek a boo more times then I can count and the times they cuddle close and reach just for me and the times when only mommy can make it better.

Those are the times when being a mother means everything.

Happy Mothers Day.

Today I will stop acting like a single mother.

If you walked into my home today unannounced you would walk into a mess. Right now just in my living room my computer desk is covered with bills that have been unopened and you wouldn’t be able to sit on the computer chair because it is filled with jackets that have yet to be hung. You’d also scan over to the bookcases that are filled with random toys that Wyatt hasn’t put away even though I have asked him more than once to do so.  Then if you walked into my room you’d see a bunch of clothes all over the floor and you don’t want to see what the master bathroom looks like. Lets just say It’s a disaster and move on.  I could go on but I’ll spare you.

Why I am telling you all this? Because even though I have myself together at work. At home, it’s a different story. My husband tends to treat me like I am a stay at home mom even though him and I work the same amount. In his reality, I don’t work the same hours as he does so I should be the one who does all the house worthy stuff oh and all the kids stuff too. This tends to be one of our arguments that we cant seem to move on from.

My reality is that we should share it 50/50 but most time I get 90/10 of out him.

Cody claims that he has two jobs and yes he “does” but one of those jobs is a paper route early in the morning that his mom helps with. So he has to get up for an hour and half early in the morning and deliver papers every day but he doesn’t get up fold them or put the rubber band on or does it all by himself. All he does is wake up ONCE early in the morning and delivers them with his mom.

And yes he does work at his regular job which he works hard at and his really good at too and yes its in a retail grocery store which means that you do a lot with out a lot of people, hours or support.

But I do too.

I get up early in the morning too. More than once most times and I work at a retail store too. So for him to say that he does more just makes me want to punch him in the face because my god on the working front we do the same plus I do all the baths, all the cooking, all the bills, all the cleaning and guess what since we bought a house I do ALL THE YARD WORK TOO.

So you tell me who works harder? Him or me? and its not that I want to compare its that I want to make it clear that we are in this together. Him and I, Him doing housework me doing housework, Him dealing with the kids me dealing with the kids, Him dealing with the yard work me dealing with the yard work.  50/50

And when I finally decided that I cant do it all and still do me. I give up. I focus on myself and the kids and my job and then you see the house decline and the yard work pile up and the bills stay unpaid and that’s when he seems to notice and that’s when we get into a fight like we did last night.

Last week Cody bought popcorn at one the of the REAL soccer games and brought the bag home. Which this said bag ended up everywhere in the house. It would move from one room to the other and then finally yesterday it ended up in the garbage. Because god damn it I couldn’t take another thing in the wrong place anymore especially since no one was eating it.

so I thought. So I threw it away.

Cody got off early after a long meeting he had in SLC and picked him self up food because he doesn’t eat what I cook ever. So when he got home all he wanted to do was sit down and eat because he hasn’t eaten all day (even though the meeting had food there he didn’t eat it because he is a picky god damn eater. not my fault or theirs just his.) This didn’t happen how he wanted.

I got back home the same time he did but instead of work that day I was dealing with transporting the kids from preschool, doctor appointments, karate and a pharmacy visit with very little sleep I had the night before due to my sick kids plus I did laundry and the dishes cook breakfast and lunch and was about to cook dinner.

Since he was home I did what he does to me which is expect him to help out. So the baby was fussing and it was past dinner time and I had yet to cook anything I handed him the baby and went into the kitchen to cook dinner. Some how in there I cant remember he had to get up from his fast food to get something. I am unsure what but when he did the puppy jumped up on the couch and ate his hamburger.

This lead to yelling at the dog and looking for the popcorn I threw away earlier in the day. When he found it in the garbage he started to demand to me why I did that. Which I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore. He then put the baby down on the floor while he dug it out of the can (it was still in the bag but covered in a ton of food.) Gunner being sick didn’t want to be on the ground he wanted to be held and he has yet to eat a bottle or dinner so he was extra fussy he started crying. This lead to me suggesting that maybe he should pick him up and maybe get him something to eat.

Well all hell broke loose because of that suggestion. He started yelling at me about how he has been at work all day and he is tired hasn’t eaten blah blah blah. so then I yelled and said oh really really you do soooooo much and I flipped. FLIPPED to the point that a threw something at Cody grabbed the baby put him in the high chair grabbed some finger food for him to eat all the while cooking dinner and dealing with Wyatt who is “staaarving mom”.

So I went off even more and yelled about how he does nothing that all he does is sit in front of the TV and that Wyatt hasn’t had a bath for a week because he doesn’t ever give him one before he puts him to bed because that’s my job but I am too busy trying to sooth a sick baby who has his first ear infection who all he wants to be held all day long and never sleep at night.

He claims that he does help out and I say really then prove it. Prove it! do it with out me asking you too or suggesting that you do it and then I stopped talking finished cooking the meal and he finally gets up and starts to feed the baby and Wyatt dinner which leads to him later bathing Wyatt for the the first time ever on his own.

and I go in the other room and eat my dinner and make a conscious decision that I am not going to baby him anymore that I am going to treat him like the adult that he is and I am going to expect that he puts in 50/50 effort with me in taking care of this household because as a working mother I am not a single mother and I am no longer going to act like one.

Today I am creating a daily routine check off list for the entire family. That has a job for everyone on it to take care of so its not just me doing everything. It will work even if it kills me.

and that my friends is the end of my rant.

I love my kids but come on

Today, was my day off from work and if I was kid less I would have slept in and spent it all day in my pjs watching Netflix and eating a shit load of food. But instead it was spent with an early wake up call from my 5 year after I just got my 6 month old back to asleep for the umpteen time. Tired I then get up with him which he then excitedly screams as he gets into our living room because he saw the video game that my husband bought for him setting out by the TV which that lovely happy scream wakes my sleeping baby and all I can think is FUDGE. F F F FffFFfF f f ffffff…. I just got him to sleep. I just got him the F to sleep. I go in pick him up and change another one of his dirty diapers all the while cursing my husband in my mind as he is nice and comfy in our warm bed and I am here again.

Again.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and my husband but sometimes I hate them all. I hate that it is always me me me ME getting up with the baby. I hate that it is always me changing the diapers. I hate that it is me that Wyatt wants when he wakes up. I hate that it is me doing the laundry, the dishes cleaning the toilets, I hate that it is me paying the bills and I hate that it is me always me alone putting the kids to bed.

Last night, the husband got invited to go out to a Jazz basketball game with his buddy and even though it was his day to watch the kids (his day off from work) I some how got stuck again with it all. So of course while he was there and I was home trying to settle a feverish Wyatt a teething Gunner with a dirty house and piles of laundry. I was cursing Cody again.

Then he came home and then kids stayed in their beds and we turned off the TV and we talked like how we did when we were dating. The hour turned into hours and then we went to bed together and right as we laid down Gunner fussed for his night feed and then right after Wyatt stumbled down into our room with a high fever and I was grateful. Grateful that I was married to a man who when we both are completely tired we can double team the kids with out hesitation. Him with the baby, me with the big kid. Parenting is hard and even though all I wanted today and last night was time to myself. (if I was being honest I’d say that pretty much last week I wanted that too.) I could not be more grateful for them and my husband.

But this momma needs a solo vacation asap.

SO WHAT!

I'm currently at work, trying to do some online training that they have us do every month and I am behind because well I just don’t get the time to do this training that really only half of the stuff pertains to me. I am bored, hungry and content. Can I be all those things at once? I guess I can since I am.

I am bored because this training is rather dull and says the same stuff over and over. I am super hungry and I want a Panini from the store on the other side of the mall but I am too lazy to walk there and get it. I am content because I finally said out loud for the first time since the Big News was dropped on me at work that I did not want to take another management role here and that staying in the office as a regular old associate was fine with me. And you know what, it is.

I pictured myself yesterday at home with my kiddos. Watching them grow. I saw me organizing the kitchen pantry and cooking meals with babies at my feet. I saw early morning cartoon watching and walks to the parks. I saw summer in all its glory. The heat, the popsicles, us swimming in the pool and I was happy.

I was happy because I get to have those moments. I get to not stress about what corporate person will be coming to check the store, I don’t have to stress over who I have to fire this week, or who I get to write up. I wont have to stress over the other managers not being ethical, and by god I wont have to babysit adults anymore.

What that means for me is shorter hours at work and longer days with my kids. That means that I get to do the minimal office stuff and still get to enjoy being out of the mommy role for awhile so I do not loose my sanity but I will be able to easily get back into my mom groove at home because I wont be as tired as I am now when I get home.

What that means for me, is more of the happy I crave and less of the stress I desired.

This internal struggle I have been having has brought a lot to my eyes. I believe it was meant for me to have this happen so I could get the grasp back onto my reality. That my kids, will only be kids so long. That I really don’t want the grandparents to experience Gunner’s firsts. That I want to be there like I was with Wyatt. And if that takes me to stop my career step climbing for now than it does and you know what so what. SO WHAT. I can work my ass off again when my kids are grown and I can find a place in the job world again if I want and I know I will rock it then just like I have been now.

But I, I get to rock at being a mom and that my friends is harder and more of challenge for me then any old corporate office because I have to answer to myself. And I can be a tuff boss.

A plan I never intended to make.

You know what's hard? Making a choice that you never intended to make. A choice that others have already planned for you and their exceptions do not necessarily meet yours. And then your there stuck in the middle panicking and changing your mind each day wondering what the hell you got yourself into not wanting to disappoint either party but hoping that you make the right choice for yourself.

I go to work each day and each day my bosses tell me what they see for me in the future of the company. Its all laid out there for me. They already have it planned, when I’ll start this new roll and what my responsibility's will be and they tell me how successful I’ll be and then I’ll go home and Cody has it all laid out and planned there for me also. He sees me raising our sons, running the house hold and sees me successful there too.

All I see for myself is, nothing. A big old nothing.

Here I am stuck and having this internal struggle within myself. How do I pick? Do I choose the success at my job, at a chance to grow my career? Hopefully more money? Or do I choose more time with my boys which would require me to give up my title, office MY idea of who I am and go back to being “just a mom.” but be there, truly home, I’d get to see all Gunner’s firsts. I could also join the PTA when Wyatt goes to kindergarten this year. I’d be able to be the mom they deserve. A mom I know I can be.

and just when I feel like I know what I want, something changes my mind in a plan I never intended to make.

Learning to let go.

It was midnight when we went to be bed and as we put the thick blankets on our cold bodies I put my arms around you to love you a little harder that night. I watched you today with the kids earlier and I saw that person I knew you could be. You were what I thought was happy. You laughed, cuddle and played with them in away I have not seen and each time you leaned over to kiss the baby my heart jumped and grasped onto more love for you. I found myself with ear to ear smiles and caught myself trying not cry tears of joy that night. This is what I wanted our family to be like. This is the happy I wished for.

It was my birthday yesterday and you sent me flowers at work. It was a surprise, a nice surprise. I’d glance at them sitting on my desk and found myself thinking of you and the boys at home all by yourself for the first time since little Gunny was born. Then I’d smile because I knew you were being that dad I always knew you could be.

I learned over the years that I could not make you realize how great you are. I also learned over the years that you are not like me. When Wyatt was a baby I didn't know that yet and I would be-little you. Demanded that you knew how to take care of him. Demanded that you be this person that you could not be. I demanded a lot back then. This time, I am learning to let go. Learning to allow you to be the person I feel in love with. Learning to let you be a daddy.

It was midnight when we went to bed, but before you pour out your emotions to me that you were trying so hard to hold in. I saw, the happy you pretend you didn’t have. When I looked a crossed the table while we were eating our fast food dinner last night I saw the happy. You were there too. It wasn’t imagined as I watched you laughed when Wyatt slide down the slide in the play area. It wasn’t imagined when I watched you lean over to kiss little Gunny as he squirmed towards you. It wasn’t imagined.

And as we put the thick blankets on, I put my arms around you and you let it all out. Saying nothing, I knew what you thought. I knew your doubts. I knew. But Cody I saw the happy. It was brief, but it was there. You one day will learn to let go as I did. Because you are the dad you never had. You are there in every moment. Even if you are trying hard to keep your fear of failure in. Your kids, Cody will know. They will see your happy. Cody, I know that with out a doubt you are the man I married, the guy I feel in love with regardless of those traits you pretend to hide. You are Cody, a father that our kids adore, the husband that supports, takes care of and loves his demanding wife. You, Cody are an amazing man and I’ll put my arms around you to love you a little harder tonight and every night until you know that you are the person that we already love.

Maybe you should check his diaper.

You know what pisses me off. That I am the main person who takes care of the kids. Now don’t get me wrong Cody helps out when I make him. But for the most part, I am it. If I died today Cody would be so screwed. I mean he doesn't do baths, he doesn't understand when its time to change a diaper, when to feed the baby and Wyatt would only eat fast food and peanut butter sandwiches. He’d also be lost on how to load a god damn dish washer.

Okay okay, so can you tell I am annoyed. Okay to be real honest I am pissed. First off my work wont let me back due to some paperwork issues so my 1 1/2 days of getting out of the house working just stopped and I am now dealing with trying to get a doctors note to realise me back to work and that sounds harder then it is.

Second, I spent all day with the kids. I had to shuttle Wyatt to preschool, then home make lunch then take him karate and deal with a baby who went from never be able to poop (which I still have that post in my drafts.) to being a crazy over pooper who has complete poop explosions at the wrong time and place plus I have to feed him and my milk is slowly disappearing so yeah that's just a ball of fun right there.

Third, apparently Gunner is not added on to our insurance so now the medical bills are a nightmare. BUT we did add him so now I get to call and fight with our insurance company. whoopee! And to top all of this off all I asked my husband to do today when he got of work was to hold Gunner while I finished dinner. (yes, I was actually cooking a home made meal because I felt like it needed to be done.) So yeah, he held him but when Gun started to fuss he just kept saying “why are you fussy little gun?” and then rock him, bounced him did none of the checking the diaper to see if it needed to be changed or maybe he needed a bottle? Nope he didn't do that even though I said maybe you should check his diaper or he might still be hungry.

Apparently me telling him things like that made him mad because he refused to listen to me because he KNOWS better. He didn't say that he knows better he just literally did not listen because he continued to rock him and come in the kitchen by me to show me he was just rocking him but really he was trying to say with out saying that I should take him because he was crying so I did. And guess what people GUESS WHAT! he had a poopy freakin’ diaper. yep, the kid needed to be changed LIKE I FREAKIN SAID!!!!!!

Men. ::eye roll::

So I am pissed. I slammed the food on his plate and Wyatt’s plate put my plate of food in the microwave to hopefully stay warm then I changed a poopy diaper, fed the babe until he went to sleep. Then I ate in silence. Yep. I was pissed. Still am pissed but Cody got the point because he is currently in Gunners room rocking him back to sleep with Wyatt as they watch a dumb basketball game on the TV and I am here blogging.

I'm a better mom when I work.

The last few days of my maternity leave I was distracted. I wasn't listening to everything that Wyatt was saying to me, the dishes sat lodged in the sink unwashed and still are. The plans I had while I was leave didn't happen and I cooked a family meal maybe twice in the 8 weeks I stayed home. I wasn't the perfect housewife or mother I should be. I could of been, but I just didn't want to be.

The last few days of my leave I imagined what it will be like to be at work while my 2 kids stayed with family members. I thought about the times I would be having a good time laughing with my co-workers and feeling accomplished when I solved a big issue. How people would look up to me, ask for advice, how they would need me.

But on the night before I was to go back to work, I started to panic. I started to question myself as a mother. Why I felt better to be at work and felt more accomplished there then I did at home. I started to think that maybe I should cut hours, go to another part of the store and work less, be home more. Be the mother these kids deserved. I went about it in my head over and over as I rocked baby Gunner back to sleep and then I stopped myself. I told myself that I would go in tomorrow see how it was and then make a choice. So I did.

I got up in the morning, put clothes on did my hair and make up dropped the kids off said goodbye and walked into work.

Sigh,  I felt relief. No guilt. Just relief. I felt important, wanted, needed. I felt like me. I worked and thought of my kids only when I would glance at my desk and see their pictures. I even forced myself to call and check on them knowing all to well that they were fine because I was fine.

When I got off work and picked up the kids I was happy. I was able to finally listen to Wyatt with out being annoyed. I was able to scoop up Gunner and snuggle him with out thinking how I was sick of being the only one holding him. I was happy, they were happy. We went home and stayed happy. 

So in the long run I am a better mom when I work, a better wife, lover because I am happy.  (Just remind me that on those days when work sucks.)

What it is like to be second.

Before getting pregnant with Gunner I always had it in the back of my mind that I just knew Wyatt would be able to handle it. I thought oh there's no way that he would feel like he is being pushed aside, he wont show the signs of being jealous or acting out. He is better than that, he’ll rise above all that. But slowly and surely he is starting to feel what it is like to be second. I know as mothers we want to give 100% all 100% of the time. But when we can’t that mom guilt jumps in and makes us feel like the amount that we are giving is not enough and never will be. Well that is where we are.

As you most of you know, the first few months with a baby requires you to give a lot. You give up your sleep, your breast every few hours, your time, showers some times are impossible to take, energy, emotions, everything you have you give. So doing all this for Gunner requires me to not be able to give all that and more to Wyatt and he is starting to see that.

Wyatt has always been a boy who follows the rules. He’ll follow them to the T. If you say something is a rule. IT IS A RULE FOREVER. I have had to put him in time out maybe 3 times EVER. I normally can just reason with him. He is a very logical thinker so if he is doing something incorrect we can sit and talk about it for a few minutes and then rarely does it happen again.

But lately, he is acting out. He’s not screaming, hitting or doing anything in that sense. He is testing me emotionally by breaking only the “rules” I give him. Just me, Cody can tell him something and he’ll listen to it and follow the rule for it. Me, lately if I tell him something he’ll listen to my face and then once I turn my back to take care of Gunner he’ll break the rule.

example:

Wyatt got some “evil scientist” stuff for his birthday. Now this was a kit that contained different packets of “powders” to mix to make things. The morning we got back from Disneyland Wyatt of course wanted to play with it. But it requires parents supervision with mixing the powders. I was “sleeping in.” so Cody while he was getting ready for work told Wyatt that he needed to wait for me before opening anything. An hour later I wake up and look at the kit to see what we could do. Then Gunner started to fuss. I still hadn't made breakfast or gotten ready for the day. I told Wyatt that he could play with the glass tubes but he could not open anything else until I was done fussing with Gunner. He even helped me put everything away but those things I said he could still play with.

I left him to feed Gunner and to make breakfast. Which took a few hours. As I came upstairs to Wyatt’s room to get him to eat there he was surrounded with all the powder packets opened and used. Then he looks up at me and smiles and says “mom, I opened these and used them for all my experiments because you couldn't be here I just did it for us.” then smiles again.

Now its not a normal smile its an evil I did this on purpose smile. This smile didn't care what I said or how much all this cost, this smile was there to make me want to scream and throw him against a wall. This smile was doing what it needed to do to get all my undivided attention. This smile pissed me off. So I did for a moment get upset to the point I had to stop count to ten and start talking to him all over.

I explained how I knew he was doing this because of how he feels like I am not there. I explained how I wish I could be but right now I cant. I did everything I thought to talk with him logically like we have so many times before. But I knew it wouldn't matter. None of it would, not until he got that undivided attention he needed from me. In my head I think of how it would be nice to go out with just him and then I also think how I cant yet leave Gunner alone with someone for a certain amount if time. So what am I to do.

I am left with the mom guilt. The hugging Wyatt in-between trying to breast feed Gunner. The overly used “I love you’ s”  The “I promises.” The “one days” talks we have. But is it bad that truthfully all I want is to spend time with Gunner because he has yet to know what it feels like to be let down by me. When is it going to get easier to manage the love you have for your kids. At what point will I not be letting one of them down? Two kids. Oh, you can love them more than you thought would be possible and do it all at the same time. But to be fair about who and what gets my attention when that my friends is the real challenge and I have yet to master that and honestly I don't think I’ll be able too.

I had a complete emotional melt down.

I am not proud of my actions last night. I was complete overhauled by my emotions that nothing anyone said or did would make it better for me. I yelled, cried and basically had a panic attack at my husband at 2 in the morning.  Its hard for me, you know to stay home. I always have this vision in my head of being a stay at home mom but when it comes down to it. Its hard and I don't think I could do it full time. I like be able to get out and have other work to do besides cleaning the house and cooking the meals and well taking care of kids.

So far its been 3 weeks since I started my maternity leave and I am now started to go bat crazy.  The first week rocked because A: I didn't have the kid yet, so I got other things done and didn't have to worry about a baby eating pooping and crying. B: it was nice to be away from the drama at work.

The second week, well I was mostly in the hospital and when I got out I was in a whirlwind of trying to figure everything out that I mostly sat on my couch due to not being able to be as active as I would like because of the c-section and taking care of the baby that my feelings were pushed aside.

But this week. Its been hard. I feel like I have no friends, that all I do is clean, cook change a baby, nurse a baby, NURSE a baby some more and oh well NURSE a freaking baby some more. I have not really left the house expect to run Wyatt to preschool and karate and to do errands with Cody.  I have checked my instagram account and Facebook more than I liked to admit and I have read everyone's blogs to the point I am looking for more to read.

I am bored. So bored but cant do anything about it because I cant really go to far with a nursing baby. And really I have no idea what I want to do, all I do know is that I am sick of being inside.  

So the only logical thing I could do was to explode on Cody last night. Right, that's what us emotionally women do in the time of pure desperation.

Now from my point I had valid reasons of being so emotional.  First, Cody was out all day at work then was home for maybe 10 minutes before he took my first born to a soccer game all night leaving me bored at home again with the baby again. Because Wednesday he did the same thing.

When he finally did get home 3 hours after the game was over (WHAT?) he brought home a very tired little boy who clinged onto me and I was already dealing with a very fussy baby that I was already trying to put down for the night but nothing was working and what was Cody to do? He couldn't breast feed the baby so he did what he could by putting Wyatt to sleep.

But then people he did something so horrific, so mind blowing… he went to bed too.

What?! How could he? Its not like he has work in the morning (which he does.) Or a paper route that he’d be getting up for in 4 hours before his said work. But in my emotional lack of sleep and sick of nursing mind that was the last straw. HOW COULD HE??!!? Didn't he know that it was his turn to nurse and rock the baby asleep? My god! So I got mad said things that really I am not sure what they were but I said them and then I cried and cried and cried until it was 4 in the morning. Gunner finally fell back asleep and I did too until the next feeding. Which at that point Wyatt woke up with a nightmare found me feeding Gunner in the nursery so I cuddled him and nursed Gunner at the same time while Cody again slept and I cried.