All I wanted was to be home again.

I don’t know what made me think that moving out at 18 was a good idea. I always said that I would and then when I did it was like it wasn’t even happening. As I look back at that time I don’t know how I survived it. I moved out with only a part time job, no money in my bank account, and run down car but somehow I seemed to be able to feed myself. I don’t remember the struggle of money or the stress of it. The only thing I remember is my first night sleeping there. I remember the way the room looked with bare walls and mismatched bedroom furniture. It was quite, everything still. It was like it froze each time I took a breath. It felt like I was actually breaking the clock of time.  I remembering laying still against my pillow and squished into my comforter that I got at Christmas from my mom expect this time it didn’t feel the same. The texture was wrong, the smell was wrong it somehow was not that same comforter. I remember trying to get comfortable but all I could feel was my heart beat in my throat, beating so fast. Breathing slowly didn’t calm it down. This was it, I was here, finally here. Finally alone in my own apartment, my first apartment and all I wanted was to be home again.

I remember quietly crying in my bed that night. Wishing I didn’t take such a huge step. I somehow got to sleep that night awaking to a new day with all those fears behind me.

If I didn’t move out when I did. I wouldn’t have started dating my husband. I wouldn’t have had him move in with me a year later but into a new place, our place, a nicer place. I wouldn’t have gotten the jobs I did, when I did. I wouldn’t have gotten married and started a family. I wouldn’t have been me. We wouldn’t have been us. Life wouldn’t have been my life, our life.

So as I watch my own sons take big life steps I can’t help but think of the moment I felt like a grownup for the first time. The scary, wonderful, can’t wait, holy crap all I want is my mom moment. I hope they know how wonderful and amazing it is to grown up but how wonderful it is too not. I hope you enjoy your new toddler bed Gunner and its insane that you’re not a baby anymore and no longer require a crib.

Slow down a little will yah?

 

 

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