I became so bitter

Right now the front door is left open and I can hear the crickets as they call in the night. Wyatt is sitting on the couch next to me reading and whispering the chapters to himself as Gunner snores softly in his bed. It’s almost 10pm and I feel quite comforted  as I hear the night roll in. Its been a long difficult week for me, emotionally. After finding out about Gunner’s speech issue I found myself not dealing with it in the best way I could have. I let my fears over take me.

What made it worse, was the random spontaneous weekend I took with my boys thanks to Cody’s Aunt and Uncle. Now let me make it clear, the weekend in a condo, in the mountains with my boys was not at all bad. I enjoyed it. What made me have a break down when I got home was the fact that for those 4 days I was mostly by myself with the boys as Cody could not get work off.

It made me realize just how alone I was in dealing with Gunner’s news. It also gave me plenty of time at night to read other peoples stories about apraxia. Which not only do you get the extreme positive but you also get the extreme negative.

I took those 4 days and became very bitter at my husband. Here I was, alone in the condo with the kids doing everything. Cooking, cleaning, entertaining, worrying, exploring. Dealing with the whining, the overly hot tired kids, the tantrums because one was doing what the other kid wanted. Bed times, bath times, the no me time.

Where as my husband after work took his time in getting up to visit with us in the condo. He got all the fun stuff. Where the kids ran to him excited to see him, the fun games and movie time, the extra cuddles before they fall asleep on his lap, the time to go home and sleep in his own bed and have his own time.

I became so bitter. I’d think about how he wasn’t here, how he was always working and saying “yes” to everyone else but me and the kids. How he would have his friend come over to our house after he leave me and the kids alone in the condo by ourselves. How he didn’t see that it was hurting me. How he wasn’t the one researching Gunner’s issue. How he didn’t get how bad it could be or how it really is.

 

How he wasn’t the one who would be working daily, nightly doing speech exercises. How he wouldn’t be the one calling and dealing with schools when Gunner was of age. How he wouldn’t be at all the appointments, how it would be me taking Wyatt to karate, soccer, school, then Gunner to speech and all his activities.How I would be going back to work, and cleaning the house, paying the bills, taking pictures and making invitations for my sisters wedding, feeding the family and then on top of that I am having another kid. A kid, that will add to the list of things I’d be doing.

I grew very sad up there alone in the mountains. I thought about everything that was and could be going wrong. About how Gunner will struggle, how Wyatt struggles and how the baby could struggle. I even thought about how something horrible could happen to the baby before it was even born.

So when we finally did get home, I tried to vent to Cody about it all. He of course, tried to be positive (a rarity for him) saying that we will deal with whatever comes. That just made me more mad. We! I thought We, no its me. Me, and me alone.

 

I went to bed that night pissed and crying because he didn’t get it. And when I woke up the next morning and talk more to him I realized that he did get it, just not in the way I needed. After a long talk, where I cried a lot. I was finally able to listen to what he was saying and not take it for granted.

He was doing what he could. He was working hard everyday and night to make sure I was able to be here in the summer so I can deal with any kid issues that came up. That he did in fact worry about the same things I do but he did his worrying in a different way, because well, he is different.

I than realized again, like I do every time we have these talks that we are two very different people and we both react to things in two very different ways. And that him working was not to avoid or not to love me but to make sure that I and the kids could have every chance. That him not researching about Gunner’s issue was not because he didn’t want too but it was because he knew I was already on top of it. That he was allowing me to be. That he wouldn’t be leaving me alone. That he was right beside me I just didn’t see it because I was full on running towards the issue where I actually left him behind trying to catch up to me.

That’s who we are. Him, the quite follower and me the loud demanding leader.

I am not bitter anymore, just tired. Tired of leading. Wishing I was able to allow other people to jump in and support me with out unknowingly pushing them away.

Tonight, I think I will do just that.