Lets not talk about it.

Okay fine we will. But I will throw in a lot of excuses and whining. Which we all know don’t matter but it makes me feel better.

On Monday I was doing good with eating (mind you I don’t start my #whole30 until the 12th so I am just preparing myself.) I had breakfast, cooked a good meal did a lot of chores around the house and felt productive. It was nice. My Zumba class was later in the evening and Cody was on his way home from doing his order at work and he voxered me (best app ever. look it up. Its basically a walkie talkie and its better then calling or texting. its saves our lives seriously. okay not really but it is awesome.) telling me that he was going to pick up some pizza for him and the kids since I will be gone for 90+ minutes doing Zumba and he didn’t have anything to cook him and the kids. (that was unhealthy and that he wants to eat.) Fine, whatever. I said. He came home with 2 pizzas and they began to eat them while I was tying my shoes to head out to Zumba. If you follow my personal Facebook then you read about how jealous I was that they got to eat pizza. 

I cried in the car on the way to Zumba. Over pizza. I want to chock it up to being on my period but I think even if I wasn’t I still would have. I think it hit me, that I was going on the trip down a healthy road all by my self. That those guys at home would be able to eat drink what they want and me, I would be stuck eating veggies. I know that I am doing it for the right reason.  Blah blah blah. but at that moment it sucked being the only one.

My kids cringe when ever I cook healthy meals that have veggies on the plate or stuck in the food I made. They cry or don’t eat it until I get so annoyed that I have to go eat in another room so I don’t see their unhappy faces. My husband, well he just doesn’t eat now. Partly because he is a picky eater and the other part is that he never really likes to eat anyway. Some days I have to force him too.

I got home from Zumba feeling pumped because I felt good that I didn’t cave and didn’t eat a slice of pizza. I ate my left over meat ball soup it was delicious. But then morning came.

Cody was at work and that box of left over pizza was in the fridge and I cooked it up for the kids and then I ate it too. More like devoured it. Then I drank soda all day, had popcorn all while I was cooking a healthy turkey in my oven to prep my whole 30 meals. It was bad.

I am not mad at myself for eating that pizza but more mad at myself that I didn’t have the self control to not eat it. I saw myself in a light that I never really did before. I saw who I was on the outside. I never considered myself fat, like I get that I am but I never looked at myself like that. I love who I am and I am not doing this journey to be a stick think little woman.

But yesterday, I saw myself as a fat huge person who was gross. I saw all the things I didn’t like about myself and I sat there staring at the person in the mirror. Thinking how I will never be able to loose weight or get back to how I used to be because I have no self control.

It was so bad that when my husband tried to hug me when he got home I said “I don’t even know how you could be attracted to me.” and pulled away.

I went to bed that night and had a nightmare. Not about weight or me but about my kids being murder. I mean it was a dark dark dream. I woke up and thought what the hell Audrey get your shit together.

So I am, again. and I know that I will have to do it again and again. Over and over. But I am going to succeed at this. I am going to become the person I feel I am. Not who I saw in the mirror yesterday, not the person who pulls away from my husband. But the Audrey I know I am.

The Funny, outgoing, HEALTHY women. Even if she’s 100lbs overweight right now because my god she deserves to be love too.