It was bad. Bath worthy bad.

Last night took forever for it to change into morning. Cody and I found ourselves waking up every hour last night and both being surprised that it has yet to move on to another hour. But before we get into that let me back up here for a moment so that you can see why the night needed to quickly move on.

 We spent the evening at a restaurant with the kids. We ate the delicious food, tasting what each one order, talked quietly about nothing and just plain adore each other’s company.

We then drove to target, tossed the kids into the shopping cart, threw in the cart some amazing light up bouncing balls that we just had to have, found in dollar bin area all the while shopping for our upcoming family vacation to Zions.

We get home, to only discovered that Annie had the biggest poop blow out that you ever did see. It was everywhere, all over her flower leggings, all over her car seat, dripping down her legs when I picked her up.

It was bad. Bath worthy bad.

Of course we get home right at bedtime. So we all are rushing to brush teeth, getting Wyatt’s backpack ready for school the next day, put jammies on, find blankets, teddy bears and getting the millionth drink of water before daddy flies the boys like airplanes to bed for the night.

I of course am still dealing with the bath worthy poop of Annie’s. I finally get her cleaned, dressed and I throw her dirty clothes on top of the washer telling myself that I will put them in when I am done. (Which I still have yet to do.) By this time, she is so tired mad that she won’t even latch on to feed. She’s screaming her lungs out and I can’t get her settled.

At this point Cody and I have to take turns bouncing her. An hour later, she finally settles. Now at the same time she’s fussy Bella the dog is whining because earlier in the day she thought it would be a fantastic idea to eat my shoe laces. Now her tummy hurts.

So we are letting her in and out and then in and then out. We are hoping, crossing our fingers that the boys don’t wake up with all this commotion.

It turns midnight, finally. Bella is still outside, Annie is finally asleep and it’s our bedtime. I softly lay Annie in her basinet as Cody let’s Bella back in. We finally lay down and are quickly asleep.

Annie wakes up which is unlike her to feed. I look at the clock its only 1am. I feed her and fall back asleep. Then Bella starts to whine again, Cody gets up and takes her out. Its only 1:15am. We fall back asleep. Bella whines to come in, we wake up, I put Annie in her basinet and Cody lets Bella back in. Its 1:30am. We say to each other how is it is still 1 in the morning? We fall back asleep.

Bella whines wakes Annie. We decide to leave Bella outside for a few hours (we set an alarm.) I get Annie and feed her again. It’s now 2am. We fall back asleep.

3am rolls around, I get a tap tap tap on my knee. I wake up its Wyatt he has had a bad dream and I realize that I am somehow still feed Annie.He climbs into our bed. We fall asleep again.

The alarm goes off to let Bella back in. It’s now 4am. Cody goes and gets her, I wake Wyatt and tell him that Dad will tuck him back into his bed. I still am somehow nursing Annie.

Wyatt gets out of our bed goes with Cody. I unattached Annie from my breast and put her back into her bed. Its 4:30am.

Cody comes back to bed, Bella too. We fall asleep again. It’s now 5am.

6am rolls around, Annie cries to feed again which is unlike her. I get up, get her again somehow and nurse her while I fall back to sleep.

My alarm goes off its 7am. Time to officially wake up. I hand Annie who’s still asleep to Cody to have him hold her in our bed, get up and make breakfast, tired.

Sometimes, parenthood is full of nights that move too slowly only to leave you feeling unrested but I know that one day I will miss the middle of the nights nursing a little baby. And the times, that the only way my kids will feel better after a bad dream is to come cuddle with me in my bed. So I’ll take these long tired nights over any well-rested night, every time.

Yesterday I forgot.

Yesterday I forgot to do the dishes, run and tidy up the house according to the productive app on my phone. But what I didn’t forget to do was be fully there with my oldest.  

After Gunner’s behavioral therapist appointment, Gunner gathered all his trucks and buses, made a parking lot on the couch and played quietly, Annie nursed and Wyatt and I talked.

Wyatt, he tends to get lost in the shuffle of the younger kids who demand more attention from Cody and I. We haven’t really been able to have a real solid conversation with each other for a really long time and few weeks ago I thought about how honestly I could not remember when we ever did. That really bothered me. So I have been more diligent about making sure to have a real one on one time set aside just for him.

I invited him to join me and my sister in our 52 week hiking challenge. Where each week we take to the mountains and hike our butts off.  Which at first he didn’t want to do but after the first hike he was hooked.

The funny about hiking is that no matter what, you have to have conversations. There is no way around it. I have learned more about him and my sister in the last three weeks than ever before.

I also see how strong he is. Sometimes while my sister and I are talking, he’ll run up ahead of us and have us time him to see how long it’ll take him to run up to a tree. I can say that I can’t do that quite yet. But I do plan on it. (He’s challenged me.)

What I have learned through hiking with him, is that he is goal orientated and way driven. He likes to be challenged. To have a goal that may not be very accessible to others but to him it is.

The other day when I was marking off tasks on my productive app he leaned over and stated that he wanted that app on his iPad because he liked that it showed how many days in a row you accomplish something and that is what he needs in his life.

So yesterday as Gunner played parking lot we loaded a task app called Swipe (since the “productive” one I used isn’t available on the iPad) entered in all the tasks that he wanted to accomplish in a day and he beamed. This is what he needed.

He put things on his list like feed the dog, read 20 mins each night, then he put things on there that I didn’t think he really cared about. Like cook dinner with mom. That surprised me.

He run around the house seeing how many tasks he could complete. Practice karate. Check. Make your bed. Check.

Then we spent the mid evening in the kitchen cooking, laughing, talking with each other that spread out into the evening that when the dishes were left in the sink and the run I needed to do so badly beeped up on my phone for me to accomplish I didn’t hesitate to skip the task.

Because I was doing that one thing that shouldn’t have been on my list of things to accomplish, spending time with my oldest.

Update: I found an even better app for him. It is called Monster Chore. It gives him rewards points for each chore that he completes and then he can use those rewards to purchase things from his dad and I. Like a trip to a museum. Plus it will beep on my phone when he actually said he did the chores so I can approve that it was done or not. I really like it

Definitely not a vacation

It was funny, the other day Cody and I were having one of those parenting days that just are so hard. Every whine, every look, every poopy diaper had us on edge. And when both of us are in the overwhelmed state we simply cannot function.

So I said in a huff “Ugh, we seriously need a vacation.” To which he replied “You will be getting one in a month” hinting to the fact that school will be out soon and my job ends until the next school year starts.

I corrected him because I actually have 2 months left and I also stated that it won’t be a vacation. It will be more work for me. I will be the only one 100% of the time responsible for all of our kids all day, all night, no breaks, it will be me. That’s it.

He just laughs and blows it off and said something to the point of how work is stressful and I said “well work for me is my break. It is not stressful it’s the chance for me to get a mom break.”

I knew he did get it though.

He doesn’t understand the demand that mothers have. He doesn’t understand that you literally have no space. That no matter what room you are in the kids will follow you there. Talking, crying, screaming, wanting always wanting.

That you’ve picked up the house way to many times that by the time the end of the day comes, you could give a flying fuck how your house looks.

He didn’t get that until I came home from work yesterday.

Now I only work 5 hours a day but when I got home I could see it in his eyes. That same look of defeat I get some days.

He was rocking Annie who seemed to not want to settle. I could hear Gunner crying through the monitor because he wanted nothing to do with a nap and Wyatt was in the other room playing video games.

And that’s when he told me. Wyatt and Gunner kept coming into every room I was in. I was trying to get Annie to sleep and right when I would, they would come running in here and start wrestling. And no matter how many times I tell them to stop and go play somewhere else they wouldn’t listen.

So she hasn’t slept all day.

Then I said “see, it’s no vacation huh?” as I snatch up Annie, who settled quickly. Walked out of the room so he could take it all in. Marinate in it.

The fact that parenthood is hard most days and most definitely not a vacation.

Alone with the baby

I was not allowed by any means to wallow in my misery after the dog bite incident. I get home after my 5 hour stay in the ER. I just received 10 stitches altogether in my arm and I chose to have no pain meds while I was in the hospital. Because one, I hate how they make me feel. Two, I could not really feel my arm/fingers anyway.

I get home, and there was my husband frazzled. Rocking the baby trying to settle her down. His mom there watching, who just got the older kids down to sleep finally. After a while she leaves and it is now him and I alone with the baby.

She’s hungry and waiting nothing more than to nurse after hours of being away from me. And he is so far beyond his stress level that he was nonfunctioning. I in a huff told him to just go to bed and hand me the crying baby.

That’s when I realized I was on my own.

There would not be anyone else that could be the mom in this family. No one else that could nurse Annie. No one else to calm down my husband. No one else to comfort the boys back to sleep the way I do. No one else that knows their special lullabies to help them feel better.

I was it.

So painfully and alone I figured out a way to hold Andalyn on my breast and pinch my nipple the certain way she likes with my nonworking fingers so she’d actually eat.

I rocked and cried, rocked and cried some more because I didn’t ask for this. I never wanted this.

An hour later, Gunner wandered down stairs crying and I call threw my tears still rocking and nursing Annie for my husband who rushes out into the living room in his half slept mind to snatch him up.

He wakes a little more to see me crying and asks what’s wrong. All I can think is I just got bit by a dog asshole and I am still up with the baby what do you think is wrong?

Instead I mumble through my tears, I just hurt.

He goes to the medicine cabinet and gets an ibuprofen and pops it into my mouth and gives me a drink of water.  

Picks up Gunner again who's still crying and starts to rock him.

I look over at him in his rocking chair and I in mine as we cuddle the kids and I knew at that moment that I am not really alone in this because he is a dad too.

The only dad this family has. 

Easter Disaster

I am currently sitting at my desk at work. I haven’t really been able to get a lot of work done today or even this week because every few minutes one of the students or teachers stops and asks what happened to my arm. Just so you don’t have to ask the same question let me tell you while I am at it.

It was Easter like any other Easter. (Cue in the dramatic music) The bunny came, we ate candy for breakfast, dyed Easter eggs for lunch and even made side dishes to go with Easter dinner at my parents’ house.  The whole time we are doing these things Wyatt cannot stop talking about how he was going to get the golden egg this year. He is so serious about it that he even writes it in his journal.

We get to my parents have dinner and then it was time. Time for the Easter egg hunt. The men hide the eggs in my parent’s backyard making sure to hide the prize GOLDEN EGG in just the right spot as all the kids waited patiently in the playroom.

Once all the eggs were hidden we open the back door and the kids rush outside to find the eggs.

Now my parents have a good size yard sitting up a top of a hill connecting onto their backyard neighbor’s yard who’s below only separated by a fence and my parent’s wood pile. 

Now these neighbors always have had dogs who’s been a little aggressive so we’ve just come accustom to it.

I was with Gunner finding eggs and taking pictures of him, Andalyn was with Cody closer to my parents’ house and Wyatt was running in all directions to find the Prize Golden Egg.

He runs over to me 5 minutes into the hunt, and rushes to tell me that he knows that the golden egg is in the wood pile and asks me to go over there with him to find it. Of course I go, I mean it is the Golden egg after all!

I walk over there with him as Gunner follows me behind.

Wyatt is in front of me closer to my parent’s side digging in the pile. I am behind him semi turned to the back fence line. I am holding my camera and raise it to take a picture of Wyatt.

Just as I do, I see in the corner of my eye a big brown dog charge up the hill. Now, this is “normal” behavior that these dogs do so I don’t think anything of it.

I continue to raise my arm to take a picture and then all of a sudden, the next thing I know the dog grabbed my arm and bit hard down on it tugging and pulling me, trying to pull me over the fence.

I just remember looking down at my arm and being so pissed that this dog has bit me. I didn’t feel the bite, I just clearly remember saying in my head, “What the fuck, this dog has bit me.”

I could feel him pulling my arm trying to get me over the fence and I said again in my head again Fuck you dog, you will not pull me over.

I somehow, get my body to bend down and turn it to give me the momentum to rip my arm from the dog’s mouth, and I run away.

Again, I am still do not feel pain. My mind is telling me clearly that I need to run, hold up your arm, wave it around, you are screaming, they will hear you. I only see a top punctured wound on my arm at this time.

According to my mom, I run right to her and show her my arm. She asks me what happened and that is when I say, “The dog, the dog bit me.” And then I drop to the ground.

She’s screaming at my dad who’s a Director of Nursing. My two sisters run over who are surgical technicians. They are screaming commands out, get a towel, and do this, that, hold here, call 911.

I just remember yelling out to my husband “there is breast milk in the freezer there is breast milk in the freezer.”

The next thing I know I am floating out of the backyard with my sister holding and pressing down a towel on my arm to stop the bleeding. I clearing remember looking at my husband who is holding my 1 month old and telling him sternly to get the kids and that there is break milk in the freezer.

I am pushed into my sister’s car and we rush off to the hospital. My dad is in the car my two sisters and Mike my other sister’s husband is following us in another car.

My sisters and dad are on speaker phone to my other siblings and I am in the back seat of the car with my sister holding hard onto my arm.They are telling my siblings where we are going and what to do next and I just remember screaming out (at this point I am in and out of shock) Wyatt better get a damn golden egg!

                                             (be prepared to see graphic pictures below)

And then my mind starts to inform me, that I cannot feel my arm. Nothing, I cannot move my fingers, my hand and I freak out. And I start to scream even more and yell I can’t feel my arm I can’t feel my arm

We finally get to the ER and it’s like in the movies. We zoom up to the front and they throw me out and my sisters run me inside while my dad parks the car.

We get inside and I am screaming and bleeding and screaming and yelling about how I get bit by a dog.

They run up to us and look at my arm. Now remember I’ve only seen a top punctured wound on my arm at this point.

They remove the towel and turn my arm over and I see it. A big, a huge bite hole in my arm. And I freak out.

My sister Alisha grabs my head and has me look at her and she repeats. You are fine Audrey, you are fine. Over and over.

They take me into a triage room (I am still screaming) and when I get into the room the doctor or whoever yells at me to stop crying and I am pissed that he yelled that at me and clearly think I cannot physically stop crying. I cannot make my body stop.

He starts to touch my fingers and asks if I can feel them and I cry even hard because I say no. I have never been so scared then at that moment in my life.

He tries the other fingers. He pinches them and I still can’t.

He moves me out of the triage room and puts me in the waiting room and we wait for hours to be seen by a doctor (not even kidding, lesson learned we will always call an ambulance so we can get straight into a doctor.)

Finally I see a doctor they clean it out, stitch it up and I go home 5 hours later still unable to move my fingers or feel my arm.

The next morning Wyatt woke me up, worried and feeling like this was all his fault and I looked at him straight in the face and said "Wyatt, in life you have to get an epic scar at least once. And this one is mine and not yours. I will wear it proud and loud because I now know, that I can stand my ground and not let anything ever pull me in a direction that I do not want to go."

And I truly believe that. I could choose to let this get me down, I could keep freaking out about not being able to move my fingers or I can get up, work hard (type this one handed) and know that I will do anything and everything to not let this accident be more than just that. Because I am a strong women who refused to let that dog pull me over.

*Come next week to read about the ridiculous animal control officers, what happened to the dog and why we had to get a lawyer.*

I’m 30 and I no longer feel trapped.

This time last year I was struggle with where I wanted to land in life. I felt like I needed change, movement. I felt trapped in motherhood, in my job, in my marriage. I blamed a lot of my issues on my husband and took no reasonability. Until one day, I woke up looked myself in the mirror and faced the hard truths.

I was making the choices to live life trapped. I chose to stay in a job that surrounded me in hate and drama. I chose to feel trapped by the reasonability's of motherhood and not look pass the mundane and see the joy of it. I chose to see the bad in my husband because I didn’t want to see my wrong doings. I also allowed others to influence me about the bad he held more then the good he did for me everyday.

I did those things until I said to myself no more.

Here is the promise I stated to myself last year on my blog.

“I am going to purge the unnecessary and decrease the clutter physically, materialistically and emotionality. I will hug the ones I love, find the best in them and in others and show others the best in me. I will learn to be okay with doing things on my own and not let the stop me from having the adventures I crave. I will stop talking bad about the people I love the most. This year I will push myself out of my comfort zone. Try new things and be okay with making a mistake in the process.”

Can I say that I have come out of it all with new clarity and that I didn’t resort back to my old ways? No. But what I can say is that I made changes in my life and I no longer feel trapped. 

I got a new job, that I love. A job that allows me to have more time with my kids which helped me love motherhood more. I started to look at my husband in a new light and see how hard he actually works for me, I started to write down in a personal journal the little things he’d do for me everyday. Which brought back the love I knew I had for him.

I stopped listening to those who told me that he wasn’t worth my love and saw for myself that he in fact was. I also stopped telling myself that I wasn’t good enough.

Although this year has been a tuff one for me as I deal with my toddler being diagnosed with apraxia  and possibly autism. The death of my Father in law and also the surprise pregnancy that has had its own medical issues. I can say that if I didn’t change my path this time last year I would not have made it through this year like I have.

On the 11th I turned the BIG 30 and I can honestly say that with out a doubt I am better then I ever been and I can not wait to continue on this journey surrounded by my kids and my loving adoring selfless husband who chooses me to stand with him and not against him.

We are capable of the unknown

I am finally out of the fog that held me tightly in its grasp last month. It was so forceful that I found myself tangled in its darkness that light never was an option for me.  It was a month of struggle, mind games and joy. I don’t know any other way to explain it but only a way to live it. I find myself waiting for the joy of feeling baby Andalyn kick, swim and move inside me. Yes, it’s a girl and yes we’re naming her Andalyn Joy.

She is something that came as a fun surprise that took this year and made it go so fast that time literally never stayed with me.  It was once summer and now its fall and soon it’ll be time for me to cuddle my little joy in my arms. I crave those squishy legs I know she’ll have and I cannot wait to have her head full of hair nestled into my nose. Just so I can take a whiff of that sweet baby smell into my lungs, to let me breathe just a little longer.

I need a fresh set of lungs because I am bogged down with Gunner’s apraxia issues and the maybe diagnose of autism. Cody’s depression, my depression, and the guilt that Wyatt never seems to get enough of my attention. That I start to play mind games with myself.

I worry, that Gunner won’t ever talk clearly and that I’ll never understand him. Worry about the possible heart issues that doctors think Andalyn might have. Worry that I am not doing enough for Wyatt and that he’ll start resenting me. I worry that Cody and I will never find that balance that I seem to always need with him. I worry that I too will start resenting him for being him and not the man I need.

   

What made last month full of struggle is the fact that now, I am getting sick carry sweet Andalyn. That my liver is, was, who knows now if it’s still shutting down which makes it hard for me to be strong like I always am. 

I have been relying on the doctors to do their job which just consist of taking my blood running tests and telling me maybes. All the while my arms are filled with rashes and my mind is full of fear.

But I am finally coming out of the fog. My mind is clearing up, the light is slowly moving in and I am beginning to see that those things will be there but I will be too.

That my life has always come with the struggles because I am equipped to be strong. I was built with such strength that in times like these I can come out of with more heart, more love, more power to move forward and to drag my family along with me.

We will not be held down by the fear of the unknown. We will run toward it and slay it with all our might. Because it is not just me in this game of life. I am lucky to have my boys and sweet girl along for the ride. Who too are strong and capable of the unknown.

Bra shopping

Getting measured by the clerk at Dillard's always makes me self-conscious for one reason only. I am a 1 bra only type of girl. I wear the same bra over and over until its hanging on by the last thread. Not because I don’t wish to have many sexy bras. Believe me, I do. I would love to be wearing some naughty lingerie on the nightly not only for the husband but for myself. But instead, I am stuck in my one bra where it only has one underwire left, holes on the sides and it smells, well not great.

Why you must ask? Because plus size bras are uber expensive. The nice ones anyway. And to find them at any store is always a challenge. I normally only find one by luck and never take the time to search for more online. Because lets be honest, I am too lazy to purchase it online, try it on and then have to return it because it doesn’t fit right or its ugly. That is way too much work for me.  That’s how I become a one bra girl.

Now, being pregnant on top of going in and getting measured always makes me cringe. Here I am standing in a dressing room in all my over weight pregnancy glory with my tattered bra hanging off my saggy boobs. As she wraps her arms around me with a measure tape. And each time I go in to get measured I go up in size. (mind you, I tend not go for a year or more because I dread it.)

Today, as we walked back there. I blurted out that I was like 6 months pregnant (which nope, just 4 months) and I’ve wore the worst bra ever today because hey its laundry day so don’t mind the look of it. Which she just nods knowing full well that this was my only one. Maybe thinking that I was lying about being pregnant. Because hey in all reality I look fat to other people and only pregnant to me.

She did her thing and walked out to go find me a size that would hopefully work. About 10 or so minutes later she walks in and helps me put on the bra she found. She then left and came back with another lady who they both proceeded to whisper to each other as they were pressing the bra down here and tucking it there.

Finally they said, Yep this one wont due. Its is a 44 H and you are a 44 I. We don’t carry that one here yet, not until September.

What?! I went from a size 42 G to a 44 I in one year. Insert the shock now  They left and told me to wait that they will try and find something that will work until then.

They came back with the most boring thick strapped fat girl bra ever. Squeezed me into it and explained that they went to a 40 H full coverage because that will be the best one until I can come back for the other.

And that is why 60+ dollars later I own 1 bra that barely fits.

What is even more fun? Is finding a nursing bra in that size. That one I will have to look online and I will settle for the one I get because hey, returning it will be a bitch.

I became so bitter

Right now the front door is left open and I can hear the crickets as they call in the night. Wyatt is sitting on the couch next to me reading and whispering the chapters to himself as Gunner snores softly in his bed. It’s almost 10pm and I feel quite comforted  as I hear the night roll in. Its been a long difficult week for me, emotionally. After finding out about Gunner’s speech issue I found myself not dealing with it in the best way I could have. I let my fears over take me.

What made it worse, was the random spontaneous weekend I took with my boys thanks to Cody’s Aunt and Uncle. Now let me make it clear, the weekend in a condo, in the mountains with my boys was not at all bad. I enjoyed it. What made me have a break down when I got home was the fact that for those 4 days I was mostly by myself with the boys as Cody could not get work off.

It made me realize just how alone I was in dealing with Gunner’s news. It also gave me plenty of time at night to read other peoples stories about apraxia. Which not only do you get the extreme positive but you also get the extreme negative.

I took those 4 days and became very bitter at my husband. Here I was, alone in the condo with the kids doing everything. Cooking, cleaning, entertaining, worrying, exploring. Dealing with the whining, the overly hot tired kids, the tantrums because one was doing what the other kid wanted. Bed times, bath times, the no me time.

Where as my husband after work took his time in getting up to visit with us in the condo. He got all the fun stuff. Where the kids ran to him excited to see him, the fun games and movie time, the extra cuddles before they fall asleep on his lap, the time to go home and sleep in his own bed and have his own time.

I became so bitter. I’d think about how he wasn’t here, how he was always working and saying “yes” to everyone else but me and the kids. How he would have his friend come over to our house after he leave me and the kids alone in the condo by ourselves. How he didn’t see that it was hurting me. How he wasn’t the one researching Gunner’s issue. How he didn’t get how bad it could be or how it really is.

 

How he wasn’t the one who would be working daily, nightly doing speech exercises. How he wouldn’t be the one calling and dealing with schools when Gunner was of age. How he wouldn’t be at all the appointments, how it would be me taking Wyatt to karate, soccer, school, then Gunner to speech and all his activities.How I would be going back to work, and cleaning the house, paying the bills, taking pictures and making invitations for my sisters wedding, feeding the family and then on top of that I am having another kid. A kid, that will add to the list of things I’d be doing.

I grew very sad up there alone in the mountains. I thought about everything that was and could be going wrong. About how Gunner will struggle, how Wyatt struggles and how the baby could struggle. I even thought about how something horrible could happen to the baby before it was even born.

So when we finally did get home, I tried to vent to Cody about it all. He of course, tried to be positive (a rarity for him) saying that we will deal with whatever comes. That just made me more mad. We! I thought We, no its me. Me, and me alone.

 

I went to bed that night pissed and crying because he didn’t get it. And when I woke up the next morning and talk more to him I realized that he did get it, just not in the way I needed. After a long talk, where I cried a lot. I was finally able to listen to what he was saying and not take it for granted.

He was doing what he could. He was working hard everyday and night to make sure I was able to be here in the summer so I can deal with any kid issues that came up. That he did in fact worry about the same things I do but he did his worrying in a different way, because well, he is different.

I than realized again, like I do every time we have these talks that we are two very different people and we both react to things in two very different ways. And that him working was not to avoid or not to love me but to make sure that I and the kids could have every chance. That him not researching about Gunner’s issue was not because he didn’t want too but it was because he knew I was already on top of it. That he was allowing me to be. That he wouldn’t be leaving me alone. That he was right beside me I just didn’t see it because I was full on running towards the issue where I actually left him behind trying to catch up to me.

That’s who we are. Him, the quite follower and me the loud demanding leader.

I am not bitter anymore, just tired. Tired of leading. Wishing I was able to allow other people to jump in and support me with out unknowingly pushing them away.

Tonight, I think I will do just that.

Growing a human.

It doesn’t feel real yet. The whole growing a human inside me. It feels like its taking forever and we’re only at week 7 and some odd days. I think it is because I have had to wait to get into my doctor. He is one popular fellow.

I told Cody last night that I know that I am pregnant but everyday I want to take a test just to confirm it because I am not sick (Nauseous only when I haven't eaten.) and I pretty much have energy besides the midday nap that I sneak in as much as I can. But its completely different from the boys that I just need to be able to see the baby and make sure it is actually in there.

I still have to wait 2 weeks before I get to do that.

I hate waiting.

I also am worried to do a lot of running or exercising because I just don’t want to some how misplace a baby that in my mind is not really there yet. Does that make since? I did however complete a mud run a few days after I found out and it was the most fun I have ever had. I can’t wait to do it next year when I don’t have a human in me so I can go harder than I did. I skipped some obstacles that I felt wouldn’t be worth the chance of it. But there is just something about getting dirty and muddy with your friends. You feel like a badass and it is amazing.

Gunner, went from doing so well at his speech therapy too refusing to do the signs and throwing tantrums when we ask him to say or sign what he needs/wants. That when we had his last appointment I wanted to ball my eyes out when she said that we are starting at the beginning again. I didn’t realize how tuff it would actually be. Gunner is so independent and head strong that most times I want to give in. But I just cant and it makes me die quietly inside.

Wyatt, is also at a difficult stage for me. He, himself is not difficult by any means but he is just soooo different than I am, that most times I find myself holding my tongue. I have learned a lot of patients by being his parent. He reacts differently to things than I do and I have a hard time not allowing him to react how he wants too. That is where I have learned patients because I tend to want to give him all the answers and fixes instead of letting him learning on his own. But he has grown a lot in the past few months. We signed him up for the big intense karate class after he got his brown belt. So he goes 4 days a week now and actually spars against other bigger kids which I thought he would shy away from because of how sensitive he is but he hasn’t. He actually goes in for the first punch and has be called out by his sanseis out of the 30 + kids on being a good fighter. So I know that my patients with him will pay off.

(picture of Wyatt taking his belt test to move onto his brown belt.)

It is going to be strange to add another kid in the mix and I still can’t fathom what it will be like when that little one comes.But I am grateful that I get another chance to be a mother and I am so happy that Cody is doing so well with the idea of this baby that I have found that I have become closer to him. It is nice to see the man you fell in love with at 19 become this amazing father at 30. I didn’t know you could grow closer to a person. I am so grateful that we are still here, still working, and still loving each other after all these years.

Life is an amazing thing.

We’ve always been kid planners.

The other night, I had a very strange dream. I was at my house with my kids who were outside playing. I proceeded to go outside and see that they with the help of our uncle (whose been working on our add on) built a crazy waterslide in all the holes we’ve have in our yard now for the add on. As I walked out there to check on them I saw them laughing and splashing in the water so instead of going out there with them I went back inside. As I came inside I went into the living room and picked up a dark full headed haired baby and began to nurse it. Just as I did that my father in law who passed away walked in the room and began to smile. As I looked up to see him I woke up.

For about a week after that or so I felt like I was pregnant. But kept writing it off that I was just paranoid. On the day I was suppose to get my period and didn’t I waited until my husband left to take our oldest to karate and I rushed out and picked up a pregnancy test.

As I sat waiting for the test results to come I kept thinking that if it is true how I would tell my husband. We’ve never really had a scare before. We’ve always been kid planners. This time was different, this time it was a surprise.

I looked down at the test and saw a very light + sign. It was to light to share the news yet with my husband. So I waited, panic and waited for a few more days to pass and I picked up the test that would tell me the word pregnant or not.

When the results came in and I saw the word pregnant. I took another test, and another test again and they all came back pregnant.

I could not swallow. I’ve never not planned a baby, what will my husband say, how would he feel. What were we going to do? Gunner my youngest is only 1 1/2. Am I ready?

So I waited again.

Until I couldn’t anymore. I showed him the test and he did what I would have if I was him. Walked out of the room and say that I couldn’t handle this right now. Because lets face it, that is what I did for a week.

The next morning, as I was getting ready for the day he said these words that made me know that he was and will always be on the same page with me and that regardless of what comes up we will do everything together. He said “So instead of making Gunner’s room into your office we will just keep that the babies room right? And put Gunner in the new room upstairs.”

Simple but what I needed to hear.

It still has taken me a little bit to wrap my head around that fact that I will be a mother again. And I know that I blessed to be able to bring a little one into the world and I am now starting to feel excited about my surprise buddle.

I am only 5 weeks along and surprisingly my due date is the 1 year anniversary of Cody’s dad’s passing February 4th. We believe that Rulan is sending this surprise buddle down to us and we are gratefully scared but grateful nonetheless.

Linking up with Mama Kat

These guys get me.

311

Cody and I connect so much when we are dancing and singing along to his favorite band 311. That when he says that the band is coming again. We buy tickets and go regardless if we drove hours away a few weeks ago to see them.

I love to see how he zones out and becomes this outgoing person who doesn’t give 2 cents about whose watching him or what he is doing when he is dancing and rocking out. Some of the best times we ever had are when we are together in a crowd singing along to 311.

map of your own bones.

*old instagram photos of me and the boys from a few years ago.

“Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of their neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood- finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live with out.” –Jodi Picoult

Happy Mother’s day.

Me, according to Wyatt.

Idea from Sometimes Sweet
1. What is something Mommy always says to you?
“Don’t panic, just breath and ask your brain whose in control?” then I say “I am.”
2. What makes Mommy happy?
”Kisses, big wet ones.”
3. What makes her sad?
”When somebody who dies.”
4. How does Mommy make you laugh?
”I laugh when she tickles me”
5. What was your Mom like as a child?
”She must be a rule follower cause she makes a lot of rules up.”
6. How old is your Mommy?
”29”
7. How tall is your Mom?
starts to count me from my head to my toes… “30 inches.”
8. What is her favorite thing to do?
”Take pictures”
9. What does your Mommy do when you're not around?
”Goes to work”
10. If your Mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
”Running”
11. What is your Mom really good at?
”Taking pictures”
12. What is she not very good at?
”Running”
13. What does your Mom do for her job?
”Teach computers”
14. What is Mommy's favorite food?
”Tacos”
15. What makes you proud of your Mom?
”Running”
16. What is Mommy's favorite thing about Daddy?
”That he’s funny”
17. What do you and your Mom do together?
”Ride bikes”
18. How are you and your Mom the same?
”I don’t think we are the same AT all”
19. How are you different?
”She’s a girl and I am a boy.”
20. How do you know that Mommy loves you?
”Cause she says that I am smart and gives me hugs and kisses.”