I am not proud of my actions last night. I was complete overhauled by my emotions that nothing anyone said or did would make it better for me. I yelled, cried and basically had a panic attack at my husband at 2 in the morning. Its hard for me, you know to stay home. I always have this vision in my head of being a stay at home mom but when it comes down to it. Its hard and I don't think I could do it full time. I like be able to get out and have other work to do besides cleaning the house and cooking the meals and well taking care of kids.
So far its been 3 weeks since I started my maternity leave and I am now started to go bat crazy. The first week rocked because A: I didn't have the kid yet, so I got other things done and didn't have to worry about a baby eating pooping and crying. B: it was nice to be away from the drama at work.
The second week, well I was mostly in the hospital and when I got out I was in a whirlwind of trying to figure everything out that I mostly sat on my couch due to not being able to be as active as I would like because of the c-section and taking care of the baby that my feelings were pushed aside.
But this week. Its been hard. I feel like I have no friends, that all I do is clean, cook change a baby, nurse a baby, NURSE a baby some more and oh well NURSE a freaking baby some more. I have not really left the house expect to run Wyatt to preschool and karate and to do errands with Cody. I have checked my instagram account and Facebook more than I liked to admit and I have read everyone's blogs to the point I am looking for more to read.
I am bored. So bored but cant do anything about it because I cant really go to far with a nursing baby. And really I have no idea what I want to do, all I do know is that I am sick of being inside.
So the only logical thing I could do was to explode on Cody last night. Right, that's what us emotionally women do in the time of pure desperation.
Now from my point I had valid reasons of being so emotional. First, Cody was out all day at work then was home for maybe 10 minutes before he took my first born to a soccer game all night leaving me bored at home again with the baby again. Because Wednesday he did the same thing.
When he finally did get home 3 hours after the game was over (WHAT?) he brought home a very tired little boy who clinged onto me and I was already dealing with a very fussy baby that I was already trying to put down for the night but nothing was working and what was Cody to do? He couldn't breast feed the baby so he did what he could by putting Wyatt to sleep.
But then people he did something so horrific, so mind blowing… he went to bed too.
What?! How could he? Its not like he has work in the morning (which he does.) Or a paper route that he’d be getting up for in 4 hours before his said work. But in my emotional lack of sleep and sick of nursing mind that was the last straw. HOW COULD HE??!!? Didn't he know that it was his turn to nurse and rock the baby asleep? My god! So I got mad said things that really I am not sure what they were but I said them and then I cried and cried and cried until it was 4 in the morning. Gunner finally fell back asleep and I did too until the next feeding. Which at that point Wyatt woke up with a nightmare found me feeding Gunner in the nursery so I cuddled him and nursed Gunner at the same time while Cody again slept and I cried.