look a little closer.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

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When I look a little closer I found that I was indeed happy that it happened. I finally got some clarity to what was happening to me and why I kept feeling this dark cloud hang over me. I use to pride myself for being the happy go lucky one. The one who could brighten any room just by walking in it.
I would question why people would feel the way they did. It boggled my mind that depression could seep in with out any notice and with out any question.

But I did question mine. I did wonder why it was happening to me. Why I was allowing it to get to me. I was the strong one, I was the one who could always over come, I was never weak, I was never the victim, I was never.
But the past month or so I found myself surrounded by that dark circle and I couldn't grasp onto the happy I had.  My mind wandered to the grey area and allowed no color to come. The things I loved to turned into the things I dreaded. I wished to sleep, to be distracted from life. I wish to not be bothered.

I have talked here before about the need to have a baby and the struggles of not getting one yet. After I had Wyatt, I decided to get the mirena iud. I had my mirena for about 4 years with no problems but also no period. I did not bleed the entire 4 years I had it. No spotting, nothing. I also never went to another doctor appointment.
So when I went to get it out I was a little panic-y. I thought for sure that something went wrong. That it wasn't there or that it was lodge in so deep that it would hinder me from having another kid. But when the doctor removed it, he said everything looked good and to come back to him when I was pregnant. He didn't tell me what would happen after getting the mirena out. He didn't warn me.

I would say that night after I had my mirena removed and still to this day I went from happy and content to dark deep depression. I couldn't sleep, I had no appetite, no sex drive (all though I forced my self to have sex because that's how babies are made.) I cried at everything, I was extremely hot, sweaty, then super cold. I would get mad for no reason, my emotions were every which way, and my body would show signs of early pregnancy. Sore breast, no period, nausea, lower back pain, super tired, craving food etc.

I would take test after test to lead only to not being pregnant. Which crushed me each time.
Then December 1st came and so did my period. The amount of relief I felt was and still is too much to put into words. Finally I was normal. I was still working. I had a starting point.
The first day of my period was heavy abnormally heavy. I would soak up a heavy tampon within 15 minutes. It was so heavy and hurt so bad that I started to worry that it was abnormal. I become dizzy and light headed because of the shear amount of blood I was losing all I wanted to do was sleep. That night I started I notice that I was losing clots. some got to be as big a quarter. I first I thought it was a mucus plug and that I was having a miscarriage just because I never had anything like this happen to me before.

I was so worried that I ended up crying in my moms kitchen asking why this was happening to me. I always had normal periods. heavy one day light the others no cramping. But now I was extremely heavy a lot of cramping, clotting, sore everything.

After my mom calmed me down and explained what I already knew I went home a googled “first period after having your mirena taken out.” and I found other blogs talking about “the mirena crash” and heavy periods.
The mirena crash is basically detoxing from the hormones left over after removal. So the times when I was feeling crazy, super depressed, mad at everything, rage that seem to come out of now where, instantly sad, how my body was hurting and confusing me was just that. I am not crazy.

I am mad though that my doctor did not mention anything to me. How could he not tell me about the emotional and physically pain I would go through and still am going through. I wish that I was informed about this before I got the mirena because I don't think I would have gotten it. I mean according to these blogs it could take up to a year to get pregnant. If I would have know all that I wouldn't have kept it in as long as I did.
So ladies, if you have the mirena and you get it taken out expect to feel out of control emotionally. expect to have crazy unheard of types of periods, a ton of clotting and pain everywhere and know that you are not crazy you are just detoxing.
I will be making an appointment with my doctor if I don't get pregnant after this period is over. I read that some women don't ovulate for awhile too and that your doctor can boost it into gear so that is what I am planning because I don't want to wait a year for a baby.
I want one as of yesterday.


Well hello December.

Saturday, December 1, 2012


Well hello December,

Hello Christmas, Hello lights, Hello hot chocolate, Hello Christmas carols, Hello winter wonderlands, Hello presents, Hello wool socks, Hello family gatherings, Hello Christmas trees, Hello holding hands, Hello Santa, Hello extra blankets, Hello stockings.

Hello Christmas cookies, Hello snow, Hello sledding, Hello warm fireplaces, Hello scarfs and sweaters, Hello Christmas joy… Hello, oh hello December. How we've waited for you.