I'm currently at work, trying to do some online training that they have us do every month and I am behind because well I just don’t get the time to do this training that really only half of the stuff pertains to me. I am bored, hungry and content. Can I be all those things at once? I guess I can since I am.
I am bored because this training is rather dull and says the same stuff over and over. I am super hungry and I want a Panini from the store on the other side of the mall but I am too lazy to walk there and get it. I am content because I finally said out loud for the first time since the Big News was dropped on me at work that I did not want to take another management role here and that staying in the office as a regular old associate was fine with me. And you know what, it is.
I pictured myself yesterday at home with my kiddos. Watching them grow. I saw me organizing the kitchen pantry and cooking meals with babies at my feet. I saw early morning cartoon watching and walks to the parks. I saw summer in all its glory. The heat, the popsicles, us swimming in the pool and I was happy.
I was happy because I get to have those moments. I get to not stress about what corporate person will be coming to check the store, I don’t have to stress over who I have to fire this week, or who I get to write up. I wont have to stress over the other managers not being ethical, and by god I wont have to babysit adults anymore.
What that means for me is shorter hours at work and longer days with my kids. That means that I get to do the minimal office stuff and still get to enjoy being out of the mommy role for awhile so I do not loose my sanity but I will be able to easily get back into my mom groove at home because I wont be as tired as I am now when I get home.
What that means for me, is more of the happy I crave and less of the stress I desired.
This internal struggle I have been having has brought a lot to my eyes. I believe it was meant for me to have this happen so I could get the grasp back onto my reality. That my kids, will only be kids so long. That I really don’t want the grandparents to experience Gunner’s firsts. That I want to be there like I was with Wyatt. And if that takes me to stop my career step climbing for now than it does and you know what so what. SO WHAT. I can work my ass off again when my kids are grown and I can find a place in the job world again if I want and I know I will rock it then just like I have been now.
But I, I get to rock at being a mom and that my friends is harder and more of challenge for me then any old corporate office because I have to answer to myself. And I can be a tuff boss.