We can only breath for so long.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

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I am laying next to you in our soft warm bed stroking your dark hair as I listen to your sorrow. Your whispering to me the pain you have in your heart, how life is hard, and how you don’t know if you can do it anymore. I try to cry soft so that you cant hear me while I try to understand but I don’t.  As you speak, I picture what life would be like with out you in it and I cry a little more. You say how you cant hang on, but I beg you too. I ask you questions trying to grasp the pain you hold so deep but you stop talking. I beg you to let me in but you turn over.

This isn't the first time we have had a talk like this. This wont be the last. The only fear I have, that I ever had in this relationship is that one day, you will finally take your life and I will be left here raising our son alone.

That night, like most nights I dreamt I was at your funeral. Your friends slowly walking in giving us your condolences. I held on to Wyatt with more force then I ever had before. I pictured my self listening to the stories of your life as I tried to laugh through the tears at the moments they share of when you were happy. I saw myself up there at the proteome breaking down the hard, strong shell I give myself only to somehow manage to say that I knew that you were finally at peace, that this was what you wanted and that you would never be forgotten. I wake up wishing there was a way I could take away the pain you have. Wishing there was a way for me to give you all the happiness that you deserve. I have had that wish ever since the day I met you.

This dark cloud that hangs over you is genetic and we knew that. You never wanted a kid only because of the fear you had that this thing would be passed down like it was too you and at moments I think it has and I panic.

But then I know Wyatt will have a better chance because I am determined to not let his life be filled with sadness. I am determined to give him the attention that you so desperately deserved to have when you were younger.

I am determined.

d e t e r m i n e d, do you hear me!


Oh babe, I wish I could take all your pain away. One day you will be surrounded with all the happy you need, that it will overwhelm your soul.

It will happen one day because in the end we all know we can only breath for so long.