Hello old heart.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014


I'm staring over this new year with a new pattern of thoughts, a new wave of emotions, a new connection to the world and a new believe system in me. I am no longer going to tie my self down with excuses or blame others for how I feel and how I am. I will own my YES year.  This year will be my year. I can see it, feel it and crave it.

This year I know anything will be possible. I am going to start each day with a goal. I am going to eat more real food. Buy good books and find the time to read them. I am going to drink a shit load of water. Exercise daily even when it sounds like a terrible idea. I am going to purge the unnecessary and decrease the clutter physically materialistically and emotionality. I will hug the ones I love, find the best in them and others and show others the best in me. I will learn to be okay with doing things on my own and not let the stop me from having the adventures I crave. I will stop talking bad about the people I love the most. This year I will push myself out of my comfort zone. Try new things and be okay with making a mistake in the process.

I will never find the answers I am looking for unless I set my old heart free and this year is my year. I will be a better me.

Forgotten photos

Saturday, December 27, 2014

SONY DSC                       SONY DSC                       SONY DSC                       SONY DSC                       SONY DSC

I have been trying to clean up my hard drive and sort through all my thousands and thousands of pictures. Which has been fun looking and finding these cute gems. This is little baby Gunner when he was 2 months old and when Wyatt didn’t have glasses with his long shaggy hair.

Look how little they were.

Snow day

Friday, December 26, 2014


Happy stuff.

Thursday, December 18, 2014


  1. Getting a new bra. I'm I right ladies? Getting my lovelies off my knees is pure heaven but not as good as letting them fall braless after a long day strapped up.
  2. Getting to go on a fabulous date with the husband the other night.
  3. Having a great outing with a new friend.
  4. Getting a great new leather book bag to hold my DSLR camera in. Plus diapers and wipes and everything that comes with having kids.
  5. My new jean leggings and they’re amazing and a smaller size then what I normally wear (yay for loosing weight!) and my husband grabs my ass when I wear them.
  6. Those pictures above. They are amazing portrayal of my kids relationship  and I used my 50 lens which I haven't used in forever and I fell in love with it again.
  7. Wrapping my gifts I purchase for my husband. I can’t wait for him to see them.
  8. Cooking. Oh, I have been whipping up some great whole food in my kitchen!
  9. Dreaming about the add on we are doing on the house in the spring. The space and new walls to add things on and paint. so many ideas.
  10. Blogging. I am loving blogging again.

I wish I knew how to love my husband better.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

I need to learn how to love my husband better. I wish that I could read all his thoughts and scoop him up into my arms and wish the depression away instead I get bitter and angry and wish that he would just snap out of it. I know that that’ll never be the case and sometimes or I should say most times I get jealous that I’m not with a free spirited person like me.

I wish for the days where he would be able to go out into a crowded restaurant and lean over and kiss me with out the worry of anxiety coming taking over or laughing with me when the kids spill milk all over the kitchen instead of him drowning into a puddle of stress.

I wish for conversations that don’t turn into a fight because we don’t understand each other or rather I don’t understand what it is like to be filled with dread all the time.

I need to learn how to love my husband better.

I wish that I knew how to fix it even though I know that fixing it is just my fantasy that really there is no fixing but just loving more.

I wish I knew how to love my husband better.

I wish for a moment that I could feel what he feels so that I would know how to help him on those bad anxiety days and be okay with him on his good anxiety days.

I wish that my husband didn’t have anxiety. I wish even more that he didn’t have chronic depression and that he could see past all of that and see how much I love him.

I wish my husband knew how much I love him. I love the way he tenderly kisses our kids heads or scoops them up and throws them in the air laughing. The way he snuggles me at night keeping him close to his chest. The way he kills himself at work providing for our little family so I can stay home more.The way he looks at me, the way his kisses me. The way he tells jokes and does funny dances in the kitchen. The way he takes over for me when Gunner doesn’t want to do anything be squirm when I put him down for the night.

The way he thinks about me. Always about me. The way he makes sure that I have everything I want. I love him for loving me.

I wish my husband knew how much I love him.


From then to now.

Sunday, December 14, 2014


I have been going through some old photos and trying to slowly store/delete them off from hard drive to free up some space on my computers. I came across that photo of Wyatt at my moms house from 2011. I remember being so proud at myself for taking it. I loved the dramatic effect and the way the light bounced off his face. I love the little details of my moms flower arrangement sitting on her table. Everything about it was the reason I was growing to love photography.

Still to this day, I find myself looking for the light but not like how I did back then. I challenged myself then. I carried my camera around with me everywhere and tried to capture photos that meant something too me. Now days I quickly pull out my cell phone and snap some nonsense photo and move on with out really thinking about the shot.

So I dusted my big girl camera off stuck it in the diaper bag and went on with my day telling myself that I need to pull it out and take photos like I use too and I did.

I love that photo I took of baby Guns. The look in his eye as he is study me. The detail of his coat zipper and his little hand holding on the his car seat.

I know that I said I was going to do the 365 days in photos for my YES YEAR but I think that I might be over achieving that a little so I am actually going to do a portrait of my family, once a week, every week, in 2015. That can include just a photo of Gunner, Wyatt, me or the husband and/or the pets. Or one of all of us or a mixture. Whatever feels good at that moment. But I think that I will be able to stick to that a little bit better than a 365.

My goal is to also not use my cell phone if I don’t have too. I will officially start January 1st but I am going to start carry my big girl around to get a feel for it.


I have a lot that I want to accomplish in 2015. Here's to hoping I don’t give up.


My Yes Year

Friday, December 12, 2014

“Discovering one’s “purpose” in life essentially boils down to finding those one or two things that are bigger than yourself, and bigger than those around you. And to find them you must get off your couch and act, and take the time to think beyond yourself, to think greater than yourself, and paradoxically, to imagine a world without yourself.” –Mark Manson


The last few months I have been searching for something more than I am. I have been yearning to do more than sitting at home watching TV. (although I do love my shows.) I wanted to be more than a “title” at my job and when I was forced out of that title I began doing my more searching. I would spend hours analyzing what my life was suppose to become and what I wanted to come out of it. I began to realize that I was neglecting my potential.

I became a bitter person over the years. I allowed the negative of my job, of Cody's condition to effect how I was feeling. I would spend hours talking about all the bad things happening at work and all the things my loved ones were doing wrong around me. My life was nothing but a gossip filled day that at night wound up to be a poor me night.

I was done with it.

So I tried to forge myself through the weeds I built around myself. I started to eat better. I started to run which change everything for me. As I was running I would have the most clear thoughts I have had. I saw my life for what it was and I saw what it could become and then I stumbled upon this article.  “7 strange questions that help you find your purpose in life.” 

I kept it in my phone’s browser and I would re read it every once in awhile. And then I ran my first ever half marathon.


Now I was suppose to run this with my sister who had to back out of it a week before I ran it. And I could have back out too. There was still time but I didn’t.

It was the scariest thing I have ever done and I did it alone. (Which if you know me personally, you’d know doing things on my own is very rare. I love to be surround by people.)


On the day of the run. My mom dropped me off at the buses that take you to the start of the race. It was cold, dark and I was alone watching the others around me giggling with their friends. I felt very intimidated. They shuttled us off the bus and everyone buddled around the fire pit to keep warm and I found myself unsure of where I belonged. It was a two hour wait before the race. It was two hours that I questioned myself for doing this.

The race started and I ran. It felt good at first you know. I felt amazing. I was on cloud nine! I kept thinking I am running in a half marathon I am awesome! I was listening to music and I didn’t stop and then at mile 6 my phone died.  I still had 7 miles to go. 7 miles that I had to run by myself with no music distraction.

I began to question myself again. Why am I doing this? The I cants began. I cant do this. I cant run anymore. I cant. Then I found something inside myself that I never knew I had. I found my spirit.

The cans began. I can do this. I am doing this. I rock at this. Look at me!

I crossed that finish line ran into my husbands arm and fell apart.

I bawled.


I just did the hardest thing I have ever done by myself.

I learned that day that I am able to do hard things on my own and from that day forward I declared that I was going to find my purpose in life. My thing that made me feel alive.

So today I answered those 7 questions from that article and I promised my self that my 2015 will be my yes year. I am going to say yes to all the things I wish I was and I am going to become the girl I have in my mind.



So for me. The thing I’d be willing to live with is late nights early mornings. I would be okay with spending hours editing a ton of beautiful photos I took or spending my evenings on the stage practicing for the community play I was in knowing that I would have to get up in a few hours to be with my kids cooking them a healthy breakfast instead of throwing a sugar filled bowl of cereal in front of them.

2. WHAT IS TRUE ABOUT YOU TODAY THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR 8-YEAR-OLD SELF CRY? That I never made it to the big screen. I use to spend hours imagining my life in new york acting. I would see myself on stage or visiting an art gallery while talking shop with my artsy friends. I would think about how my apartment would be in new york. A small little hole in the wall place. Surrounded in knick knacks over looking the city lights. That was my happy place.

3. WHAT MAKES YOU FORGET TO EAT AND POOP? Photography, blogging and cooking articles. I could look up recipes for hours and think how they would taste when I would cook them. Looking at photography, every time I look on flckr or photo blogs or just of my friends photos I yearn to be doing what they have done. Exploring the city with my camera in hand or capturing that perfect shot with the perfect light and then adding those photos to my blog so I can share them with others. 

4. HOW CAN YOU BETTER EMBARRASS YOURSELF? I think I am already pretty good at this but I’d say that what I need to be better with would be not being afraid to take my big girl camera out and snapping photos of the things I find pretty in front of me when people are around. I tend to wondering if they think I am crazy.

5. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD? I am bad at this. I tend to not care enough about others to do something about it. I am pretty selfish about giving time to things that matter to other people. So how am I going to save the world? Well, hmmm… first I need to be an active member of it. Not just sit in my comfortable couch and waste it away. I will say yes more. Yes, to friends. Yes, to helping out and yes to being active.

6. GUN TO YOUR HEAD, IF YOU HAD TO LEAVE THE HOUSE ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, WHERE WOULD YOU GO AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO? I would be in the mountains hiking and taking photos. In my mind, I am an adventurous person. I see my self hiking, biking all over with an awesome leather camera book bag taking the time to actual find the perfect undiscovered place and snapping gorgeous shots. All while doing this with my kids. I see Wyatt running around getting muddy while Gunner is in a carry]ier on the front of me reaching out to go play with Wyatt.

7. IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO DIE ONE YEAR FROM TODAY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO AND HOW WOULD YOU WANT TO BE REMEMBERED?How would I want to be remembered? Hmmm… I want to be fun. The outgoing spontaneous friend who calls you up drags you out of the house and takes you on an adventure. I want to be full of life. Have amazing memories with each person I care about. I want to be the person who you could talk to for hours, who helps you figure out your life. Who knows just what to say. I want to be the person who can capture you in that perfect shot so you would have the photo forever and you will be able to look at it and remember the memory we made that day. I want to be remember as the person who made you laugh. I want to be an amazing mom. Who didn’t care of you got dirty or if your homework was done because you knew that every day was filled with a new thing to be learning, a new activity. I want to be the mom, the wife who took you out of your comfort zone and allow you to have amazing experiences. I want to be remembered living the fullest life there was.

My goals for 2015:

  1. Complete the #whole30 in January
  2. Continue to eat healthy.
  3. Try out for my community theater
  4. Doing a craft/art activity with my kids every Wednesday
  5. Go on a least 2-3 hikes a month
  6. Train and Run 2 half marathons and a ton of 5k and/or 10ks.
  7. Start up my photography business again
  8. Start a 365 in pictures  (focusing on life style pictures.)
  9. Grow a garden
  10. Take a cooking class
  11. Date my husband
  12. Take a photography workshop
  13. Reestablish friendships
  14. Blog
  15. Watch less TV and read more
  16. Buy a bike and ride it with the kids
  17. Talk less trash and gossip of people
  18. Volunteer some where
  19. Be more spontaneous
  20. Laugh more

Are you going to have a yes year too?