My Yes Year

“Discovering one’s “purpose” in life essentially boils down to finding those one or two things that are bigger than yourself, and bigger than those around you. And to find them you must get off your couch and act, and take the time to think beyond yourself, to think greater than yourself, and paradoxically, to imagine a world without yourself.” –Mark Manson

The last few months I have been searching for something more than I am. I have been yearning to do more than sitting at home watching TV. (although I do love my shows.) I wanted to be more than a “title” at my job and when I was forced out of that title I began doing my more searching. I would spend hours analyzing what my life was suppose to become and what I wanted to come out of it. I began to realize that I was neglecting my potential.

I became a bitter person over the years. I allowed the negative of my job, of Cody's condition to effect how I was feeling. I would spend hours talking about all the bad things happening at work and all the things my loved ones were doing wrong around me. My life was nothing but a gossip filled day that at night wound up to be a poor me night.

I was done with it.

So I tried to forge myself through the weeds I built around myself. I started to eat better. I started to run which change everything for me. As I was running I would have the most clear thoughts I have had. I saw my life for what it was and I saw what it could become and then I stumbled upon this article. “7 strange questions that help you find your purpose in life.”

I kept it in my phone’s browser and I would re read it every once in awhile. And then I ran my first ever half marathon.

Now I was suppose to run this with my sister who had to back out of it a week before I ran it. And I could have back out too. There was still time but I didn’t.

It was the scariest thing I have ever done and I did it alone. (Which if you know me personally, you’d know doing things on my own is very rare. I love to be surround by people.)

On the day of the run. My mom dropped me off at the buses that take you to the start of the race. It was cold, dark and I was alone watching the others around me giggling with their friends. I felt very intimidated. They shuttled us off the bus and everyone buddled around the fire pit to keep warm and I found myself unsure of where I belonged. It was a two hour wait before the race. It was two hours that I questioned myself for doing this.

The race started and I ran. It felt good at first you know. I felt amazing. I was on cloud nine! I kept thinking I am running in a half marathon I am awesome! I was listening to music and I didn’t stop and then at mile 6 my phone died. I still had 7 miles to go. 7 miles that I had to run by myself with no music distraction.

I began to question myself again. Why am I doing this? The I cants began. I cant do this. I cant run anymore. I cant. Then I found something inside myself that I never knew I had. I found my spirit.

The cans began. I can do this. I am doing this. I rock at this. Look at me!

I crossed that finish line ran into my husbands arm and fell apart.

I bawled.

I just did the hardest thing I have ever done by myself.

I learned that day that I am able to do hard things on my own and from that day forward I declared that I was going to find my purpose in life. My thing that made me feel alive.

So today I answered those 7 questions from that article and I promised my self that my 2015 will be my yes year. I am going to say yes to all the things I wish I was and I am going to become the girl I have in my mind.

1. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF SHIT SANDWICH AND DOES IT COME WITH AN OLIVE?

So for me. The thing I’d be willing to live with is late nights early mornings. I would be okay with spending hours editing a ton of beautiful photos I took or spending my evenings on the stage practicing for the community play I was in knowing that I would have to get up in a few hours to be with my kids cooking them a healthy breakfast instead of throwing a sugar filled bowl of cereal in front of them.

2. WHAT IS TRUE ABOUT YOU TODAY THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR 8-YEAR-OLD SELF CRY? That I never made it to the big screen. I use to spend hours imagining my life in new york acting. I would see myself on stage or visiting an art gallery while talking shop with my artsy friends. I would think about how my apartment would be in new york. A small little hole in the wall place. Surrounded in knick knacks over looking the city lights. That was my happy place.

3. WHAT MAKES YOU FORGET TO EAT AND POOP? Photography, blogging and cooking articles. I could look up recipes for hours and think how they would taste when I would cook them. Looking at photography, every time I look on flckr or photo blogs or just of my friends photos I yearn to be doing what they have done. Exploring the city with my camera in hand or capturing that perfect shot with the perfect light and then adding those photos to my blog so I can share them with others.

4. HOW CAN YOU BETTER EMBARRASS YOURSELF? I think I am already pretty good at this but I’d say that what I need to be better with would be not being afraid to take my big girl camera out and snapping photos of the things I find pretty in front of me when people are around. I tend to wondering if they think I am crazy.

5. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD? I am bad at this. I tend to not care enough about others to do something about it. I am pretty selfish about giving time to things that matter to other people. So how am I going to save the world? Well, hmmm… first I need to be an active member of it. Not just sit in my comfortable couch and waste it away. I will say yes more. Yes, to friends. Yes, to helping out and yes to being active.

6. GUN TO YOUR HEAD, IF YOU HAD TO LEAVE THE HOUSE ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, WHERE WOULD YOU GO AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO? I would be in the mountains hiking and taking photos. In my mind, I am an adventurous person. I see my self hiking, biking all over with an awesome leather camera book bag taking the time to actual find the perfect undiscovered place and snapping gorgeous shots. All while doing this with my kids. I see Wyatt running around getting muddy while Gunner is in a carry]ier on the front of me reaching out to go play with Wyatt.

7. IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO DIE ONE YEAR FROM TODAY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO AND HOW WOULD YOU WANT TO BE REMEMBERED?How would I want to be remembered? Hmmm… I want to be fun. The outgoing spontaneous friend who calls you up drags you out of the house and takes you on an adventure. I want to be full of life. Have amazing memories with each person I care about. I want to be the person who you could talk to for hours, who helps you figure out your life. Who knows just what to say. I want to be the person who can capture you in that perfect shot so you would have the photo forever and you will be able to look at it and remember the memory we made that day. I want to be remember as the person who made you laugh. I want to be an amazing mom. Who didn’t care of you got dirty or if your homework was done because you knew that every day was filled with a new thing to be learning, a new activity. I want to be the mom, the wife who took you out of your comfort zone and allow you to have amazing experiences. I want to be remembered living the fullest life there was.

My goals for 2015: