What it is like to be second.

Before getting pregnant with Gunner I always had it in the back of my mind that I just knew Wyatt would be able to handle it. I thought oh there's no way that he would feel like he is being pushed aside, he wont show the signs of being jealous or acting out. He is better than that, he’ll rise above all that. But slowly and surely he is starting to feel what it is like to be second. I know as mothers we want to give 100% all 100% of the time. But when we can’t that mom guilt jumps in and makes us feel like the amount that we are giving is not enough and never will be. Well that is where we are.

As you most of you know, the first few months with a baby requires you to give a lot. You give up your sleep, your breast every few hours, your time, showers some times are impossible to take, energy, emotions, everything you have you give. So doing all this for Gunner requires me to not be able to give all that and more to Wyatt and he is starting to see that.

Wyatt has always been a boy who follows the rules. He’ll follow them to the T. If you say something is a rule. IT IS A RULE FOREVER. I have had to put him in time out maybe 3 times EVER. I normally can just reason with him. He is a very logical thinker so if he is doing something incorrect we can sit and talk about it for a few minutes and then rarely does it happen again.

But lately, he is acting out. He’s not screaming, hitting or doing anything in that sense. He is testing me emotionally by breaking only the “rules” I give him. Just me, Cody can tell him something and he’ll listen to it and follow the rule for it. Me, lately if I tell him something he’ll listen to my face and then once I turn my back to take care of Gunner he’ll break the rule.

example:

Wyatt got some “evil scientist” stuff for his birthday. Now this was a kit that contained different packets of “powders” to mix to make things. The morning we got back from Disneyland Wyatt of course wanted to play with it. But it requires parents supervision with mixing the powders. I was “sleeping in.” so Cody while he was getting ready for work told Wyatt that he needed to wait for me before opening anything. An hour later I wake up and look at the kit to see what we could do. Then Gunner started to fuss. I still hadn't made breakfast or gotten ready for the day. I told Wyatt that he could play with the glass tubes but he could not open anything else until I was done fussing with Gunner. He even helped me put everything away but those things I said he could still play with.

I left him to feed Gunner and to make breakfast. Which took a few hours. As I came upstairs to Wyatt’s room to get him to eat there he was surrounded with all the powder packets opened and used. Then he looks up at me and smiles and says “mom, I opened these and used them for all my experiments because you couldn't be here I just did it for us.” then smiles again.

Now its not a normal smile its an evil I did this on purpose smile. This smile didn't care what I said or how much all this cost, this smile was there to make me want to scream and throw him against a wall. This smile was doing what it needed to do to get all my undivided attention. This smile pissed me off. So I did for a moment get upset to the point I had to stop count to ten and start talking to him all over.

I explained how I knew he was doing this because of how he feels like I am not there. I explained how I wish I could be but right now I cant. I did everything I thought to talk with him logically like we have so many times before. But I knew it wouldn't matter. None of it would, not until he got that undivided attention he needed from me. In my head I think of how it would be nice to go out with just him and then I also think how I cant yet leave Gunner alone with someone for a certain amount if time. So what am I to do.

I am left with the mom guilt. The hugging Wyatt in-between trying to breast feed Gunner. The overly used “I love you’ s”  The “I promises.” The “one days” talks we have. But is it bad that truthfully all I want is to spend time with Gunner because he has yet to know what it feels like to be let down by me. When is it going to get easier to manage the love you have for your kids. At what point will I not be letting one of them down? Two kids. Oh, you can love them more than you thought would be possible and do it all at the same time. But to be fair about who and what gets my attention when that my friends is the real challenge and I have yet to master that and honestly I don't think I’ll be able too.