Learning to let go.

It was midnight when we went to be bed and as we put the thick blankets on our cold bodies I put my arms around you to love you a little harder that night. I watched you today with the kids earlier and I saw that person I knew you could be. You were what I thought was happy. You laughed, cuddle and played with them in away I have not seen and each time you leaned over to kiss the baby my heart jumped and grasped onto more love for you. I found myself with ear to ear smiles and caught myself trying not cry tears of joy that night. This is what I wanted our family to be like. This is the happy I wished for.

It was my birthday yesterday and you sent me flowers at work. It was a surprise, a nice surprise. I’d glance at them sitting on my desk and found myself thinking of you and the boys at home all by yourself for the first time since little Gunny was born. Then I’d smile because I knew you were being that dad I always knew you could be.

I learned over the years that I could not make you realize how great you are. I also learned over the years that you are not like me. When Wyatt was a baby I didn't know that yet and I would be-little you. Demanded that you knew how to take care of him. Demanded that you be this person that you could not be. I demanded a lot back then. This time, I am learning to let go. Learning to allow you to be the person I feel in love with. Learning to let you be a daddy.

It was midnight when we went to bed, but before you pour out your emotions to me that you were trying so hard to hold in. I saw, the happy you pretend you didn’t have. When I looked a crossed the table while we were eating our fast food dinner last night I saw the happy. You were there too. It wasn’t imagined as I watched you laughed when Wyatt slide down the slide in the play area. It wasn’t imagined when I watched you lean over to kiss little Gunny as he squirmed towards you. It wasn’t imagined.

And as we put the thick blankets on, I put my arms around you and you let it all out. Saying nothing, I knew what you thought. I knew your doubts. I knew. But Cody I saw the happy. It was brief, but it was there. You one day will learn to let go as I did. Because you are the dad you never had. You are there in every moment. Even if you are trying hard to keep your fear of failure in. Your kids, Cody will know. They will see your happy. Cody, I know that with out a doubt you are the man I married, the guy I feel in love with regardless of those traits you pretend to hide. You are Cody, a father that our kids adore, the husband that supports, takes care of and loves his demanding wife. You, Cody are an amazing man and I’ll put my arms around you to love you a little harder tonight and every night until you know that you are the person that we already love.