I wish I knew how to love my husband better.

I need to learn how to love my husband better. I wish that I could read all his thoughts and scoop him up into my arms and wish the depression away instead I get bitter and angry and wish that he would just snap out of it. I know that that’ll never be the case and sometimes or I should say most times I get jealous that I’m not with a free spirited person like me.

I wish for the days where he would be able to go out into a crowded restaurant and lean over and kiss me with out the worry of anxiety coming taking over or laughing with me when the kids spill milk all over the kitchen instead of him drowning into a puddle of stress.

I wish for conversations that don’t turn into a fight because we don’t understand each other or rather I don’t understand what it is like to be filled with dread all the time.

I need to learn how to love my husband better.

I wish that I knew how to fix it even though I know that fixing it is just my fantasy that really there is no fixing but just loving more.

I wish I knew how to love my husband better.

I wish for a moment that I could feel what he feels so that I would know how to help him on those bad anxiety days and be okay with him on his good anxiety days.

I wish that my husband didn’t have anxiety. I wish even more that he didn’t have chronic depression and that he could see past all of that and see how much I love him.

I wish my husband knew how much I love him. I love the way he tenderly kisses our kids heads or scoops them up and throws them in the air laughing. The way he snuggles me at night keeping him close to his chest. The way he kills himself at work providing for our little family so I can stay home more.The way he looks at me, the way his kisses me. The way he tells jokes and does funny dances in the kitchen. The way he takes over for me when Gunner doesn’t want to do anything be squirm when I put him down for the night.

The way he thinks about me. Always about me. The way he makes sure that I have everything I want. I love him for loving me.

I wish my husband knew how much I love him.

My husband hijacked my show last night.

You know that commercial. The one where there is a couple sitting on a couch together and the pan over to the girl who is acting surprised at each pivotal moment that their show is having and then the boy calls her out and says “you’ve watched ahead didn’t you?” Well, I'm that girl.

I love me some tv. I especially love binge watching on Netflix. I tend to do this with out Cody because I like to watch it all now if I can and he, well he talks during the shows, reads the paper, doesn’t really pay attention and he will go to bed on time instead of staying up until 3am to finish the season. Plus he likes to watch our shows together and refuses to let me move onto the next episode if he isn't there so I tend to try to watch my shows alone so I can get them done and move onto the next one.

Well he hijacked my show last night. Its been a week since I started watching The Killing on Netflix and I am currently on season 3 with like 3 episodes left and I was watching them last night after dinner while folding laundry and Cody happened to be in the same room as me (putting together a new carpet cleaner for me.) and he started to watch it and asked me a ton of questions and then declared that this was our show and I now have to wait for him to catch up before I can move onto the next episode.

What?

So I am so pissed right now. Because am I right at the point that they figure out who the killer is and and and it was my show first damn it and when you’re married you have to shared e v e r y t h I n g. Ugh, I hate sharing.

So I might skip ahead and pretend I didn’t when he finally catches up to me because I’m that girl.

I love my kids but come on

Today, was my day off from work and if I was kid less I would have slept in and spent it all day in my pjs watching Netflix and eating a shit load of food. But instead it was spent with an early wake up call from my 5 year after I just got my 6 month old back to asleep for the umpteen time. Tired I then get up with him which he then excitedly screams as he gets into our living room because he saw the video game that my husband bought for him setting out by the TV which that lovely happy scream wakes my sleeping baby and all I can think is FUDGE. F F F FffFFfF f f ffffff…. I just got him to sleep. I just got him the F to sleep. I go in pick him up and change another one of his dirty diapers all the while cursing my husband in my mind as he is nice and comfy in our warm bed and I am here again.

Again.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and my husband but sometimes I hate them all. I hate that it is always me me me ME getting up with the baby. I hate that it is always me changing the diapers. I hate that it is me that Wyatt wants when he wakes up. I hate that it is me doing the laundry, the dishes cleaning the toilets, I hate that it is me paying the bills and I hate that it is me always me alone putting the kids to bed.

Last night, the husband got invited to go out to a Jazz basketball game with his buddy and even though it was his day to watch the kids (his day off from work) I some how got stuck again with it all. So of course while he was there and I was home trying to settle a feverish Wyatt a teething Gunner with a dirty house and piles of laundry. I was cursing Cody again.

Then he came home and then kids stayed in their beds and we turned off the TV and we talked like how we did when we were dating. The hour turned into hours and then we went to bed together and right as we laid down Gunner fussed for his night feed and then right after Wyatt stumbled down into our room with a high fever and I was grateful. Grateful that I was married to a man who when we both are completely tired we can double team the kids with out hesitation. Him with the baby, me with the big kid. Parenting is hard and even though all I wanted today and last night was time to myself. (if I was being honest I’d say that pretty much last week I wanted that too.) I could not be more grateful for them and my husband.

But this momma needs a solo vacation asap.

Maybe you should check his diaper.

You know what pisses me off. That I am the main person who takes care of the kids. Now don’t get me wrong Cody helps out when I make him. But for the most part, I am it. If I died today Cody would be so screwed. I mean he doesn't do baths, he doesn't understand when its time to change a diaper, when to feed the baby and Wyatt would only eat fast food and peanut butter sandwiches. He’d also be lost on how to load a god damn dish washer.

Okay okay, so can you tell I am annoyed. Okay to be real honest I am pissed. First off my work wont let me back due to some paperwork issues so my 1 1/2 days of getting out of the house working just stopped and I am now dealing with trying to get a doctors note to realise me back to work and that sounds harder then it is.

Second, I spent all day with the kids. I had to shuttle Wyatt to preschool, then home make lunch then take him karate and deal with a baby who went from never be able to poop (which I still have that post in my drafts.) to being a crazy over pooper who has complete poop explosions at the wrong time and place plus I have to feed him and my milk is slowly disappearing so yeah that's just a ball of fun right there.

Third, apparently Gunner is not added on to our insurance so now the medical bills are a nightmare. BUT we did add him so now I get to call and fight with our insurance company. whoopee! And to top all of this off all I asked my husband to do today when he got of work was to hold Gunner while I finished dinner. (yes, I was actually cooking a home made meal because I felt like it needed to be done.) So yeah, he held him but when Gun started to fuss he just kept saying “why are you fussy little gun?” and then rock him, bounced him did none of the checking the diaper to see if it needed to be changed or maybe he needed a bottle? Nope he didn't do that even though I said maybe you should check his diaper or he might still be hungry.

Apparently me telling him things like that made him mad because he refused to listen to me because he KNOWS better. He didn't say that he knows better he just literally did not listen because he continued to rock him and come in the kitchen by me to show me he was just rocking him but really he was trying to say with out saying that I should take him because he was crying so I did. And guess what people GUESS WHAT! he had a poopy freakin’ diaper. yep, the kid needed to be changed LIKE I FREAKIN SAID!!!!!!

Men. ::eye roll::

So I am pissed. I slammed the food on his plate and Wyatt’s plate put my plate of food in the microwave to hopefully stay warm then I changed a poopy diaper, fed the babe until he went to sleep. Then I ate in silence. Yep. I was pissed. Still am pissed but Cody got the point because he is currently in Gunners room rocking him back to sleep with Wyatt as they watch a dumb basketball game on the TV and I am here blogging.

I want to wake up in your hair.

Three questions | by Caitlyn Siehl

My mother tells me

that when I meet someone I like,
I have to ask them three questions:

1. what are you afraid of?
2. do you like dogs?
3. what do you do when it rains?

of those three, she says the first one is the most important.
“They gotta be scared of something, baby. Everybody is. If they aren’t afraid of anything, then they don’t believe in anything, either.”

I met you on a Sunday, right
after church.
one look and my heart fell into
my stomach like a trap door.

on our second date,
I asked you what you were afraid of.
“spiders, mostly. being alone. little children, like, the ones who just learned how to push a kid over on the playground. oh and space. holy shit, space.”
I asked you if you liked dogs.
“I have three.”
I asked you what you do when it rains.
“sleep, mostly. sometimes I sit at the window and watch the rain droplets race. I make a shelter out of plastic in my backyard for all the stray animals; leave them food and a place to sleep.”

he smiled like he knew.
like his mom told him the same
thing.
“how about you?”

me?
I’m scared of everything.
of the hole in the o-zone layer,
of the lady next door who never
smiles at her dog,
and especially of all the secrets
the government must be breaking
it’s back trying to keep from us.
I love dogs so much, you have no idea.
I sleep when it rains.
I want to tell everyone I love them.
I want to find every stray animal and bring them home.
I want to wake up in your hair
and make you shitty coffee
and kiss your neck
and draw silly stick figures of us.
I never want to ask anyone else
these questions
ever again.

Originally found on this blog and just had to share with you… this is how I feel about Cody.

I am going to choose to be positive today. Are you?

Cody and I got in a fight this week. One of those you say things that you regret fights. Where the yelling out ways the talking and the tears run hot on your face. I am unsure really what it was all about. It seemed to consist of everything that bothered us about each other over the last few months which boiled up quickly and hit the fan hard.

A few truths did come out which made him think and which also made me think. One thing he said that rang true for me was that I am always negative. Once he said that I stopped and really thought about that.

Am I? Really? Do I tend to lean to the bad things? Have I lately? And to be completely truthful I have.

At work I am negative.

At home I am negative.

In my car I am negative.

When speaking with friends I am negative.

When speaking with family I am negative.

It has become a full time thing for me.

I rarely have positive things to say about co workers, about my friends, about my family, about anything really.

Why is that?

I know that I have good intentions. I know that I wish to spend my days in bright happy moments and that I long for them but cant seem to get there.

I could blame the pregnancy and say that I am full of hormones that make me go crazy. But then why was I this way before the kid was kicking the shiz out of my belly?

I could say that my IUD was making me crazy (which I think it was.) but really its mind over matter right?

I have come a costumed to being negative. I share only negative stories and thoughts. I demand that people be on the same level as me so I can relish in their own negative thoughts. I can relate to people who talk the same way as I do. I will get bored and tend to be bothered by you if you are happy or talk positive. I tend to do the pshhh yeah right face and push you off as being fake and will get annoyed quickly by your positivity.

So how do you get your positivity back? Well I did the whole “lets search Google and find out how thing” and I read this...

“Being a positive thinker is not about ignoring reality in favour of aspirational thoughts. It is more about taking a proactive approach to your life. Instead of feeling hopeless or overwhelmed, positive thinking allows you to tackle life's challenges by looking for effective ways to resolve conflict and come up with creative solutions to problems.”

So how do you do that? How do you become a positive thinker?

Well I think it all comes down to a choice. Am I going to be negative about this or can I choose to find the positive? The more times I choose to be positive the more likely I will be just that, positive. And knowing that my attitude effects the people and actions around me needs to matter more than it has. The more I am negative the more negative things will surround me. But can you image how it will be if I choose to be have positive things around me? It would be amazing.

I am going to choose to be positive today. Are you?

We love each other a littler harder.

Last night I had a dream that Cody and I got a divorce. It was a dramatic dream fight with tears, screaming, lies while leaving me with a shatter heart as Cody walked out of my life for good. The dream ended with me curled up in the fetal position crying until tears no longer came.

I woke up, and immediately woke Cody up wanting to confirm that he didn’t want to divorce me. He rubbed his eyes too tried to understand my blabbering and just looked at me like why the hell did you wake me up for this, then laughed and said “I might now, that you woke me up to ask me that.” then turned over and fell back asleep leaving me to reply my dream over in my head.

The other night Cody and I had a fight which lead to a break down for me. I sobbed uncontrollably in my bed sharing all my thoughts and feelings that I had held in for years. Things that I knew if I ever said would cause things between us to be worse or at least I thought it would.

As some of you know, Cody has emotional issues which causes me to put his feelings first in everything I do because there is the silent fear of him killing him self. This was known to me when I enter in the relationship and has been the white elephant in our relationship for as long as we’ve been in it. But it finally came to a boil for me.

After the fight I went into our room laid on our bed and sobbed. Cody then came in to see me and there was no stopping it. I cried out everything I felt. I told him how his depression effects me, I told him about my fear of him killing himself, I told him about how I question why I choose him instead of someone who is happy. I told him about how I hate that he never cares for my feelings and I told him how everything is always about him and what will effect him, I told him my fear of Wyatt having what he has, I told him everything. Every thought I ever had and every feeling I have had in this relationship.

It all over flowed and came out in between the tears, sobs and more tears.The strength I carried for so long finally broke. But then, Cody came closer held me whispered I love you’ s and sorry’s and more I love you’ s and we held each other all night.

The next morning as we woke. Cody was still there safe, I was there relieved and today we love each other a littler harder.

I must be Pmsing

 
I must be Pmsing or I'm just being a bitch (who knows stupid IUD fouls me up.) but god am I one mean ass person lately.  I have been demanding, needy, and cry at nothing all the time and I swear I am craving something but like I know what the hell it is… I just know that I want it NOW!

I cant sleep and when I finally do sleep I am having some weird ass dreams which I’ll never admit too and I am lazier than normal and guess who gets the brunt of it all. Yep, your right the poor husband.
He is still down stairs avoiding me after I threw some hissy fit over well I cant remember but the point is… well there is no point but I guess what I am getting at is that being a girl or a “woman” is hard sometimes and we have feelings and stuff and sometimes we are just mean but not on purpose. Gosh.

Oh, one question before I end this ridiculous post…. how do I convince the husband that its time to have another baby? Any ideas? (and don't use you get to have more sex excuse I've tried that its not working.)

Don’t you effin roll your eyes at me.

Currently I am listening to some indie music found on a blog that I was reading. As I sit in my warm attic office. Its making my mind drift off in different places. I planned on writing about Wyatt's first time at preschool and how I cried in the car when I left him today. Which he did nothing but be good, just like I taught him, which made me cry harder.
But instead, I am stuck on the how its hard have a conversation with my husband.

I just stomped my way up the stairs to cool off after having some stupid fight with the husband. Do you ever just have those times when you like Oh my hell, cant we just have an adult conversation?! Currently I feel like that right now.
I got off work late. like late, late. Wyatt already dead asleep late because some regional guys are coming to walk our store tomorrow so we had to clean the shiz out of it so I'm tired. All I want to do is sit and not think or do anything.

Cody’s sitting in his chair in front of the TV watching the shows we have recorded on the DVR and he starts to go off in a “certain” tone on how the dish guy is coming tomorrow and we need to have the shows transfer off this for that and we might do this because of that and all I said was I'm concerned if this happens and bam an eye roll. which instantly rubs me the wrong way. It makes me think this…

Okay first of all I am tired, annoyed, pissed already because right when I get in the door you start to “lecture me” on what I need to do when you had all night to do it and secondly why is it that anytime I express my concerns you effin roll your eyes at me.

So I of course go in for the kill not thinking just reacting to everything he is saying and yell this… Cody, blah, yell, pissy fit, blah yell, annoyed, shaking my head, arms crossed, yell and this… and that and if you could only talk to me like an adult… he says something which I of course ignore and I say something else because I am determined to get the last word in which I did by the way, stomp upstairs while mumbling to my self learn how to have a conversation!
and I sit stewing. And then I realize… oh my god we just had a fight because he rolled his eyes at me. Whose the one acting like the adult now.

The morel of the story is… marriage is hard people your going to fight Especially when your spouse rolls his eyes at you. over stupid stupid things. The trick is apologizing and admitting when you are wrong or that you hate when your husband rolls his eyes at you and if he didn't do that in the first place you wouldn't have yelled and then maybe have some make up sex.

You know depending on how you feel.

An old poem

 

 Image

I love the way you look in the morning when you first wake up. The way your eyes slowly open to discover the light, your hair mashed and squished against the pillow.
The way you look towards me in the mirror as I fix my hair and lightly brush my make up on. The way you grudgingly get out of bed and touch my back as you pass me.
The way you thoughtfully say you love me and kiss my forehead. The way you grab the keys to warm up my car.

The way you sit out in the cold while I finish my morning routeing to keep my seat warm. The way you drop me off at work each morning even when its out of your way.
The way you call me while your busy at work just to let me know that you love me.The way your face lights up as your picking me up from work.
The way you laugh at the stupid nonsense I say as we pull into your driveway. The way you look at me in deep thought as you get out of the car.

The way you come into your room with a slight smile on your face after you’ve brushed your teeth. The way you sit right next to me on your bed and we talk until our thoughts run dry. The way we head back to my apartment holding hands quietly and I love the way at night just before we slip into a deep sleep you kiss and tell me you love me holding me tight for me to know that no harm will happen to me.

The way you try to get comfortable on my hard bed just to be next to me when I know you wish to be in yours and the way I know that I will love you always.

And Oh how I love the way you look in the morning when you first wake up.