That’s not me.

I’ve been pretty distant from writing on my blog for a lot of reasons. Mostly because I didn’t want to admit my failure to the world. But I know for me if I don’t then I can not move on and grow.

I fell hard on day 24 of my Whole30 and I have yet to pick myself up. Right now I am sipping on a wild cherry Pepsi after eating a cheese sandwich and I have a major headache which I know is do to my poor choices of what I had for lunch. I have been to embarrassed to talk about why I fail and why I haven't stop falling. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I was doing so good and then my father in law passed away on Feb 04 instead of me dealing with that head on and like a big girl I found the biggest candy bar I could in my husbands stash and I secretly ate it while my kids were napping. I scarfed that sucker down and then I cried. Cried for my father in law not because I ate that candy bar.

Then I pretended for the last 6 days of my whole30. I pretended to eat whole in front of people. I would make good healthy meals, eat them and then when I had a chance to be alone I’d go to taco bell and order a huge burrito with cash so it wouldn’t show up on the bank account and I’d inhale it.

Then my “whole30” was up and I weighed myself and I lost 16lbs! and I was so excited and thrilled. I couldn’t believe it. Then we had my FIL memorial and I ate for the “first time” regular food and I didn’t reintroduce food in like I was suppose too. and I openly ate out with the husband and didn’t cook. I let my veggies I had in my fridge rot, I stopped going to the gym everyday and I made it to two classes in the last two weeks.

I just didn’t care enough. It was easy to not work on being healthy. But then I started to feel gross, sick, bloated, gassy, and huge. And I knew, I always knew that this wasn’t me. This isn't who I want to be.

I don’t want to be the mean grumpy mom who sits on the couch and yells at her kids because she has a food headache and is tired for doing nothing all day. Who hates herself. That’s not me.

And even though in that 2 week melt down I gained it all back and lost myself again I am starting over. I am picking myself back up, dusting off my shoulders and being 100% honest with you all because its important to you to know that it happens and to me.

March 1st is my new true whole 30 start date. I am not going to half fast it this time either. I am going full throttle on this bitch. I am going to prep, plan, eat, exercise. I am going to become that women I know I am. That bad ass bitch who is stronger then fuck  and who kicks some serious ass.

I am going to be healthy and not focus on loosing weight but focus on being healthy in every aspect of my life.

I am going to stumble through this and you will too but that doesn’t mean we can’t win. I am going to win this battle this year even if it kills me.