We love each other a littler harder.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012


Last night I had a dream that Cody and I got a divorce. It was a dramatic dream fight with tears, screaming, lies while leaving me with a shatter heart as Cody walked out of my life for good. The dream ended with me curled up in the fetal position crying until tears no longer came.

I woke up, and immediately woke Cody up wanting to confirm that he didn’t want to divorce me. He rubbed his eyes too tried to understand my blabbering and just looked at me like why the hell did you wake me up for this, then laughed and said “I might now, that you woke me up to ask me that.” then turned over and fell back asleep leaving me to reply my dream over in my head.

The other night Cody and I had a fight which lead to a break down for me. I sobbed uncontrollably in my bed sharing all my thoughts and feelings that I had held in for years. Things that I knew if I ever said would cause things between us to be worse or at least I thought it would.

As some of you know, Cody has emotional issues which causes me to put his feelings first in everything I do because there is the silent fear of him killing him self. This was known to me when I enter in the relationship and has been the white elephant in our relationship for as long as we’ve been in it. But it finally came to a boil for me.

After the fight I went into our room laid on our bed and sobbed. Cody then came in to see me and there was no stopping it. I cried out everything I felt. I told him how his depression effects me, I told him about my fear of him killing himself, I told him about how I question why I choose him instead of someone who is happy. I told him about how I hate that he never cares for my feelings and I told him how everything is always about him and what will effect him, I told him my fear of Wyatt having what he has, I told him everything. Every thought I ever had and every feeling I have had in this relationship.

It all over flowed and came out in between the tears, sobs and more tears.The strength I carried for so long finally broke. But then, Cody came closer held me whispered I love you’ s and sorry’s and more I love you’ s and we held each other all night.

The next morning as we woke. Cody was still there safe, I was there relieved and today we love each other a littler harder.

1 comment :

  1. Reading your blog, so many of your posts could be written by me. My husband and I have been together for 18 years. He too, like your husband suffers from depression, diagnosed as bipolar, suffering from seasonal affective disorder and most likely adhd. In those 18 years I have learned how to know what he needs. We have had two children, we have made it through a six week hospital stay following a suicide attempt when our first born was 9 months. We have survived the period when our daughter two months old and my father in law passed away. We have survived my daughters diagnosis at birth with hearing loss and the fitting for hearing aids, the weekly speech therapy and fitting appointments. We have survived the ugly years when our son was having rough time, when he would throw things and yell, total meltdowns, when we would lock his sister in her room for safety and we would restrain him for his/our safety. When he had an autism assessment and came out with a variety of other diagnoses just after his 10th birthday. I have been there and still am and can sympathize with so much of what you write.