Happy stuff.

1. Getting a new bra. I'm I right ladies? Getting my lovelies off my knees is pure heaven but not as good as letting them fall braless after a long day strapped up.
2. Getting to go on a fabulous date with the husband the other night.
3. Having a great outing with a new friend.
4. Getting a great new leather book bag to hold my DSLR camera in. Plus diapers and wipes and everything that comes with having kids.
5. My new jean leggings and they’re amazing and a smaller size then what I normally wear (yay for loosing weight!) and my husband grabs my ass when I wear them.
6. Those pictures above. They are amazing portrayal of my kids relationship  and I used my 50 lens which I haven't used in forever and I fell in love with it again.
7. Wrapping my gifts I purchase for my husband. I can’t wait for him to see them.
8. Cooking. Oh, I have been whipping up some great whole food in my kitchen!
9. Dreaming about the add on we are doing on the house in the spring. The space and new walls to add things on and paint. so many ideas.
10. Blogging. I am loving blogging again.

I wish I knew how to love my husband better.

I need to learn how to love my husband better. I wish that I could read all his thoughts and scoop him up into my arms and wish the depression away instead I get bitter and angry and wish that he would just snap out of it. I know that that’ll never be the case and sometimes or I should say most times I get jealous that I’m not with a free spirited person like me.

I wish for the days where he would be able to go out into a crowded restaurant and lean over and kiss me with out the worry of anxiety coming taking over or laughing with me when the kids spill milk all over the kitchen instead of him drowning into a puddle of stress.

I wish for conversations that don’t turn into a fight because we don’t understand each other or rather I don’t understand what it is like to be filled with dread all the time.

I need to learn how to love my husband better.

I wish that I knew how to fix it even though I know that fixing it is just my fantasy that really there is no fixing but just loving more.

I wish I knew how to love my husband better.

I wish for a moment that I could feel what he feels so that I would know how to help him on those bad anxiety days and be okay with him on his good anxiety days.

I wish that my husband didn’t have anxiety. I wish even more that he didn’t have chronic depression and that he could see past all of that and see how much I love him.

I wish my husband knew how much I love him. I love the way he tenderly kisses our kids heads or scoops them up and throws them in the air laughing. The way he snuggles me at night keeping him close to his chest. The way he kills himself at work providing for our little family so I can stay home more.The way he looks at me, the way his kisses me. The way he tells jokes and does funny dances in the kitchen. The way he takes over for me when Gunner doesn’t want to do anything be squirm when I put him down for the night.

The way he thinks about me. Always about me. The way he makes sure that I have everything I want. I love him for loving me.

I wish my husband knew how much I love him.

From then to now.

I have been going through some old photos and trying to slowly store/delete them off from hard drive to free up some space on my computers. I came across that photo of Wyatt at my moms house from 2011. I remember being so proud at myself for taking it. I loved the dramatic effect and the way the light bounced off his face. I love the little details of my moms flower arrangement sitting on her table. Everything about it was the reason I was growing to love photography.

Still to this day, I find myself looking for the light but not like how I did back then. I challenged myself then. I carried my camera around with me everywhere and tried to capture photos that meant something too me. Now days I quickly pull out my cell phone and snap some nonsense photo and move on with out really thinking about the shot.

So I dusted my big girl camera off stuck it in the diaper bag and went on with my day telling myself that I need to pull it out and take photos like I use too and I did.

I love that photo I took of baby Guns. The look in his eye as he is study me. The detail of his coat zipper and his little hand holding on the his car seat.

I know that I said I was going to do the 365 days in photos for my YES YEAR but I think that I might be over achieving that a little so I am actually going to do a portrait of my family, once a week, every week, in 2015. That can include just a photo of Gunner, Wyatt, me or the husband and/or the pets. Or one of all of us or a mixture. Whatever feels good at that moment. But I think that I will be able to stick to that a little bit better than a 365.

My goal is to also not use my cell phone if I don’t have too. I will officially start January 1st but I am going to start carry my big girl around to get a feel for it.

Phew.

I have a lot that I want to accomplish in 2015. Here's to hoping I don’t give up.

Cheers!

My Yes Year

“Discovering one’s “purpose” in life essentially boils down to finding those one or two things that are bigger than yourself, and bigger than those around you. And to find them you must get off your couch and act, and take the time to think beyond yourself, to think greater than yourself, and paradoxically, to imagine a world without yourself.” –Mark Manson

The last few months I have been searching for something more than I am. I have been yearning to do more than sitting at home watching TV. (although I do love my shows.) I wanted to be more than a “title” at my job and when I was forced out of that title I began doing my more searching. I would spend hours analyzing what my life was suppose to become and what I wanted to come out of it. I began to realize that I was neglecting my potential.

I became a bitter person over the years. I allowed the negative of my job, of Cody's condition to effect how I was feeling. I would spend hours talking about all the bad things happening at work and all the things my loved ones were doing wrong around me. My life was nothing but a gossip filled day that at night wound up to be a poor me night.

I was done with it.

So I tried to forge myself through the weeds I built around myself. I started to eat better. I started to run which change everything for me. As I was running I would have the most clear thoughts I have had. I saw my life for what it was and I saw what it could become and then I stumbled upon this article.  “7 strange questions that help you find your purpose in life.” 

I kept it in my phone’s browser and I would re read it every once in awhile. And then I ran my first ever half marathon.

Now I was suppose to run this with my sister who had to back out of it a week before I ran it. And I could have back out too. There was still time but I didn’t.

It was the scariest thing I have ever done and I did it alone. (Which if you know me personally, you’d know doing things on my own is very rare. I love to be surround by people.)

On the day of the run. My mom dropped me off at the buses that take you to the start of the race. It was cold, dark and I was alone watching the others around me giggling with their friends. I felt very intimidated. They shuttled us off the bus and everyone buddled around the fire pit to keep warm and I found myself unsure of where I belonged. It was a two hour wait before the race. It was two hours that I questioned myself for doing this.

The race started and I ran. It felt good at first you know. I felt amazing. I was on cloud nine! I kept thinking I am running in a half marathon I am awesome! I was listening to music and I didn’t stop and then at mile 6 my phone died.  I still had 7 miles to go. 7 miles that I had to run by myself with no music distraction.

I began to question myself again. Why am I doing this? The I cants began. I cant do this. I cant run anymore. I cant. Then I found something inside myself that I never knew I had. I found my spirit.

The cans began. I can do this. I am doing this. I rock at this. Look at me!

I crossed that finish line ran into my husbands arm and fell apart.

I bawled.

I just did the hardest thing I have ever done by myself.

I learned that day that I am able to do hard things on my own and from that day forward I declared that I was going to find my purpose in life. My thing that made me feel alive.

So today I answered those 7 questions from that article and I promised my self that my 2015 will be my yes year. I am going to say yes to all the things I wish I was and I am going to become the girl I have in my mind.

1. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF SHIT SANDWICH AND DOES IT COME WITH AN OLIVE?

So for me. The thing I’d be willing to live with is late nights early mornings. I would be okay with spending hours editing a ton of beautiful photos I took or spending my evenings on the stage practicing for the community play I was in knowing that I would have to get up in a few hours to be with my kids cooking them a healthy breakfast instead of throwing a sugar filled bowl of cereal in front of them.

2. WHAT IS TRUE ABOUT YOU TODAY THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR 8-YEAR-OLD SELF CRY? That I never made it to the big screen. I use to spend hours imagining my life in new york acting. I would see myself on stage or visiting an art gallery while talking shop with my artsy friends. I would think about how my apartment would be in new york. A small little hole in the wall place. Surrounded in knick knacks over looking the city lights. That was my happy place.

3. WHAT MAKES YOU FORGET TO EAT AND POOP? Photography, blogging and cooking articles. I could look up recipes for hours and think how they would taste when I would cook them. Looking at photography, every time I look on flckr or photo blogs or just of my friends photos I yearn to be doing what they have done. Exploring the city with my camera in hand or capturing that perfect shot with the perfect light and then adding those photos to my blog so I can share them with others. 

4. HOW CAN YOU BETTER EMBARRASS YOURSELF? I think I am already pretty good at this but I’d say that what I need to be better with would be not being afraid to take my big girl camera out and snapping photos of the things I find pretty in front of me when people are around. I tend to wondering if they think I am crazy.

5. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD? I am bad at this. I tend to not care enough about others to do something about it. I am pretty selfish about giving time to things that matter to other people. So how am I going to save the world? Well, hmmm… first I need to be an active member of it. Not just sit in my comfortable couch and waste it away. I will say yes more. Yes, to friends. Yes, to helping out and yes to being active.

6. GUN TO YOUR HEAD, IF YOU HAD TO LEAVE THE HOUSE ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, WHERE WOULD YOU GO AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO? I would be in the mountains hiking and taking photos. In my mind, I am an adventurous person. I see my self hiking, biking all over with an awesome leather camera book bag taking the time to actual find the perfect undiscovered place and snapping gorgeous shots. All while doing this with my kids. I see Wyatt running around getting muddy while Gunner is in a carry]ier on the front of me reaching out to go play with Wyatt.

7. IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO DIE ONE YEAR FROM TODAY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO AND HOW WOULD YOU WANT TO BE REMEMBERED?How would I want to be remembered? Hmmm… I want to be fun. The outgoing spontaneous friend who calls you up drags you out of the house and takes you on an adventure. I want to be full of life. Have amazing memories with each person I care about. I want to be the person who you could talk to for hours, who helps you figure out your life. Who knows just what to say. I want to be the person who can capture you in that perfect shot so you would have the photo forever and you will be able to look at it and remember the memory we made that day. I want to be remember as the person who made you laugh. I want to be an amazing mom. Who didn’t care of you got dirty or if your homework was done because you knew that every day was filled with a new thing to be learning, a new activity. I want to be the mom, the wife who took you out of your comfort zone and allow you to have amazing experiences. I want to be remembered living the fullest life there was.

My goals for 2015:

1. Complete the #whole30 in January
2. Continue to eat healthy.
3. Try out for my community theater
4. Doing a craft/art activity with my kids every Wednesday
5. Go on a least 2-3 hikes a month
6. Train and Run 2 half marathons and a ton of 5k and/or 10ks.
7. Start up my photography business again
8. Start a 365 in pictures  (focusing on life style pictures.)
9. Grow a garden
10. Take a cooking class
11. Date my husband
12. Take a photography workshop
13. Reestablish friendships
14. Blog
15. Watch less TV and read more
16. Buy a bike and ride it with the kids
17. Talk less trash and gossip of people
18. Volunteer some where
19. Be more spontaneous
20. Laugh more

Are you going to have a yes year too?

My kid is an asshole.

Can I just say that literally after I wrote and posted the last post I discovered that all that whining I did about me trying to be simple and blah blah blah its me not them is well bullshit. Because I have determined now that it is them. I have been getting angry and have become a shit mom because well I just cant stand it anymore.

The whining and debating and the negativity that has consumed my house lately is insane. I like to say that if mommas happy everyone's happy. But that's not the case here.

If you have read for awhile you know that my husband suffers from depression and that tends to put everyone else in the same funk and well I‘d like to think that he could snap out of it but… he has yet too. Now my six year old is starting, okay not starting but is exactly like him. He does the same whines, has the same issues that his dad does and never can see the positive in anything and having two people like that is driving me insane.

So I think by simple I mean by not having assholes around all the time.

You might think this is dramatic and well it could be but to me its not. Let me explain. We just got home from walking the dogs because I just finished that half hearted post and I was like LETS WALK THE DOGS GET FRESH AIR IN OUR LUNGS LIFE IS GRAND!!! and cue in the dramatic tantrum from Wyatt. The whining and the I don't want too….. WAH WAH WAH WAH. All the while I just grinned and barred it.

I smothered the kids in their jackets, dealt with the overly excited dogs trying to get their god damn leash on them all the while trying to convince Wyatt that a walk is good for us! You’ll see! I promise!

Then we walked and it was my feet hurt, I don’t want to push the stroller anymore, I cant hold the dogs leash mom. But we endured and took a nice hour long walk. When we got home we checked the mail and I was excited because our Christmas cards arrived and I thought Wyatt was too because he couldn’t wait to open them.

So we get in the house took off all our coats, feed the dogs and then we opened the cards and the first thing Wyatt screamed was “ I hate them!” well fuck you I thought. What an asshole.

And then well I just couldn’t take it anymore its been months of him and months of the husband not liking this, not wanting to do that or whining because I made them do something and then I some how I become the bad person in all of it.

So that was it.

I said well “Screw you Wyatt. Stop being such a asshole. I am sorry these are not to your liking but that’s what I made and took hours to make. So that’s what well be sending out.” Insert bad mom of the year here.

Yep, I called my kid an asshole and nope I don’t even feel bad for it. Because in that moment I felt like he needed to hear how big of a jerk he was being.

I got up and started to do the mad clean you know where you clean your house and grumble under your breathe about everything and anything and then in like 20 minutes your house is waaaay cleaner that it has ever been and you feel better. Yeah, I did that.

Then Wyatt and I had a heart felt conversation about manners and why it was important to consider other peoples feelings and why complaining about everything wont ever make the situation you are in any better and we talked about how to over come all of it and he apologized and I did too.

Then we made a plan.

We a planned to spend more time with just each other. We set a date wrote it on the calendar and then we did it.

And as I finish this post a few days later I realized how much I love Wyatt and how interesting he really is becoming and that spending a whole day together just him and I is important and was clearly needed.

We took the dogs on a walk, we talked over chocolate chip pancakes for lunch, we held hands and hugged more. We laughed and then we dressed ourselves in our best clothes and went and saw a live musical together.

and it was magic.

So even though this post started off as angry, bitter and filled with emotion I wont take it back. Because we both learned something that day. Me, I learned that not only do I need to live that simple life I talked about on the last post but that I also need to live the hard ones too and be true to how life really is around here.

It’s messy, tough, sometimes mean but its also wonderful, magical and full of days that can completely knock out those bad ones.

Today was one of them and I hope tomorrow will be too.

I need to get my simple back.

I am going to be honest with you and with myself. I have sucked lately. Sucked at life sucked at being a mom sucked at being a wife and sucked at my job. I have been selfish and demanding and more than normal. I have eaten a ton of crap and vegged out on the couch for hours and got annoyed when my kids wanted my attention.

I think about all the things I should be doing and should be better at when I am in the shower and I started making myself promises. I am going to wake up earlier and work out. I am going to have my house cleaned before noon. I am going to take the time with each kid. I am not going to get annoyed at Wyatt when he wants to talk to me about nonsense crap. I am going to love my husband more. I am going to….

and then I don’t do it. I do the opposite.

I am at this point in my life that I need more. More excitement, more adventures, more love, more of something.

I want to explore who I am I want to wake up to a simple outline of life.

A life that is planned out and one that’s not planned out.

A life different from the one I have now.

I am done with sitting at home, talking to the same people, doing the same things, dealing with the same problems.

I know that a lot of this has to do with me. That living a life that revolves around just my kids is turning into a an healthy one.

I need to work on me.

I don’t know who I really am anymore. Its not because of work or because of my husband or my kids. Its because I let myself slip away from my simple.

My simple is…

Adventures outside, hiking, climbing, digging, getting dirty.

Running.

My simple is eating fresh food, cooking, exploring new tasty healthy foods.

My simple is laughing with my kids, letting them be kids by getting dirty, by letting the house fall to the waste side. To spending hours out side digging holes,  making mud pies and playing night games.

My simple is long conversations with my husband, cuddling, kisses, just looking at each other and not talking about the kids.

My simple doesn’t have hours in front of screens wasting away for nothing. My simple is a full life.

My simple is reading, learning, loving, eating, dancing, running, laughing, being more.

I need to get my simple back.  Today I will get my simple back.

That happened.

A few things happened while I have been living and not blogging.  So here is a quick run down of it all…

1. Gunner turned one! Crazy. He is a spitfire. He now walks (check out my Instagram for the video of his first steps.) which means he now gets into everything. I started the dreaded time outs. He sure does love them. He likes to show me just how much he does by throw epic tantrums. They are oh so wonderful. But regardless of the toddlering around he does. He is a sweet kid. Loves to laugh and make you laugh. Loves to be the center of attention. He is currently obsessed with trucks especially the big metal old school ones that Cody dug out of his moms basement that use to be his.
2. Wyatt turned 6! HOLY blow my mind I have a six year old. He is in kindergarten and is doing really well. He reads now. He has homework now. and he is making a ton of new friends and has a few play dates. He still is a picky eater, still very emotional but is starting to talk more to other people besides just dad and I. He is totally killing it at karate. We moved him into a whole new studio after he ended preschool which has done wonders for him. He is currently a blue belt with a white stripe and he has comas now. (it’s a crazy weapon he gets to swing around in class.Mothers love it.)
3. Cody turned 30. That is just weird to me. I cant be married to a 30 year old. I’m still so young. Hey you want to know what makes you feel real old. Going to your first parent teacher conference. That there is what brings it all into perspective. Because I remember going to those with my parents not that long ago.
4. So I am finally enjoying working part time (like 9-12 hours a week.) I get why mothers stay home now. I am starting to get my house under control. I got to be here when Gunner walked for the first time and I am less stressed. I never thought that I would enjoy being home. I always thought I needed that “success” to feel good about myself. But what I have learned is that being successful isn’t tied to a job title but to the personal goals you set for yourself. (hopefully I’ll talk more about this in its own post.)
5. My cat of 8 years Buddy who was a little kitten that I raised with Cody died. It was the hardest thing I dealt with. I mean I have had animals pass before but this was different because he was my baby. He had a bladder issue which we did the surgery to clear out all the grit but he took a long time to wake up from the anesthesia which basically made him brain dead so we made the choice to put him down and man I stayed in the room while they did so he’d have his mom with him and it was soo hard. So hard to say good bye. I still think of him and miss him every day.
6. A month later we got some new kittens to add to our family. They are a delight. The first kitten we named Ms. Fluffy Pants. She is the fluffiest cat ever. Full of energy and is the first to try new things. She starting to get along with the dogs and loves to cuddle. Our second kitten is name Sinkerdoddles. She is a scaredy cat. Hides from everyone and takes awhile to trust anyone. Most days she hides under the couch.
7. I ran my first 5k in September and became addicted to running. It has been great! So great that I skipped doing a 10k and went straight for a half marathon that I just completed on Saturday. And man does it deserves its own post because the sheer power of getting it done is just crazy. I still cant really move comfortably. My legs are jelly.
8. We finally built the swing set in our backyard which the kids love and we just built a new shed back there too. In the spring we will be stating the add on. We are adding on 2 bedrooms and a huge living room which I just can’t wait because our house seems to be getting smaller and smaller. It could be that we now have 3 cats 2 dogs 2 kids and a husband plus all the junk that comes with that. Phew we have a house full.

Well that’s the jest of it. I hope to go into a little more detail in upcoming posts but don’t most bloggers say that now. So for now I hope you enjoyed this quick update. (all pictures from the Color run 5K I did in September.)