A time to write

I have spent all morning/afternoon unpacking the last of our boxes and I just cant take it anymore. I am currently hiding in Wyatt's room. It’s the coldest room in the house. The lights are out as the sun is peaking in through the blinds and I slow my breathing while I listen intensely to the soft music playing on my iPhone.

I just got done doing the mom “PICK UP YOUR ROOM” voice and realized that it was time to put my self in a time out. It seems lately I am only capable of writing when I have been completely pushed to my edge emotionally. I don’t know how to write when I am happy anymore.

Don’t get me wrong I am happy. Like yesterday, I was happy watching as Cody tickled and goof of with Wyatt. I was happy as Cody, Wyatt and I snuggled under a blanket as we watch late in the night, our baseball time win.

But I seem to just live those moments and take a special note of them in my mind but never write it down. I want to, I do. I normally sit and stare at this blank screen and try to picture the words to describe those moments but after a few minutes trying I give up and turn off the computer.

This little piece of my internet as seen better days and I am sorry if every time you come here I throw in your face the deep dark side of me. Its not what I intend.

I caught my self smiling a lot this morning after I found Wyatt’s baby box. It was hiding under everything and almost lost to the garage before I notice it.

It hasn’t been open since he was a few months old. I found my self touch, smelling, each little outfit as I measured it against my arm. I dug deep in to find his little toes inked on the hospital papers and I ran my fingers over them. How is it that he was so small?

I found a little book filled with the small moments I quickly jotted down of what it was like when he was just a few days old as I read them I found my self surrounded in those memories. I picture back to when he was born and how we were so surprise to see his blonde hair. I laughed at how Cody was so happy to be the first person to change his diaper and I remember those quite moments Wyatt and I had as I rocked him to sleep singing the lullaby's I made up.

Man, how its changed. It amazes me how much more in love with Wyatt I am. I don’t notice as much as I did then I think its because he is growing just to darn fast. He now has his own ideas and opinions which he never hesitates to tell me and if I didn’t know any better I‘d think he was already a teenager.

For the love of god

I thought by the time Wyatt was in the toddler years that I would be able to get some sort of alone time. Instead it feels like the clinging is getting worse. It could be do to the dog always being at my feet or me having 4 years of caring for someone besides my self but gosh, I just need a moment of peace. You know?

The other night Cody and I put Wyatt to bed and then tried to have a “moment” with each other (if ya know what I mean.) We closed the bedroom leaving the dog out which caused him to whine which led to Wyatt running to our room to bang on our door. MOM!!! KIPPER WANTS IN! Mom? mom mom mom mom MOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!  insert hysterically crying now.

Needless to say our adult time ended quicker than I wished and I walked out to Kipper whining and Wyatt crying, “I kept knocking and you didn’t answer and and I thought you were gone.”  I then had to take another hour to console him and assure him that we didn’t leave. I know that that’s an extreme example I guess all I am asking for is being able to poop in peace or even just to be able to walk into a different room with out Wyatt, the dog and cats following me into. I constantly trip over them and it makes me want to scream.

I now assign “quite time” to Wyatt where he either chooses to stay in play in his playroom by himself for an hour or in his room. During this time I also kick the dog out. but really I maybe get 15 mins before Wyatt asks “IS QUITE TIME OVER YET?!” or before Kipper barks hysterically to come back inside.

Sigh.

I know that when I am old and grey I will think back and wish that I didn’t get upset about something so trivial as this I guess I just needed it to be known that I am a mother and I just need a moment of peace. just one moment.

Don’t you?

Brooklyn Wyatt day

(instagram #brooklynwyattday)

We love each other a littler harder.

Last night I had a dream that Cody and I got a divorce. It was a dramatic dream fight with tears, screaming, lies while leaving me with a shatter heart as Cody walked out of my life for good. The dream ended with me curled up in the fetal position crying until tears no longer came.

I woke up, and immediately woke Cody up wanting to confirm that he didn’t want to divorce me. He rubbed his eyes too tried to understand my blabbering and just looked at me like why the hell did you wake me up for this, then laughed and said “I might now, that you woke me up to ask me that.” then turned over and fell back asleep leaving me to reply my dream over in my head.

The other night Cody and I had a fight which lead to a break down for me. I sobbed uncontrollably in my bed sharing all my thoughts and feelings that I had held in for years. Things that I knew if I ever said would cause things between us to be worse or at least I thought it would.

As some of you know, Cody has emotional issues which causes me to put his feelings first in everything I do because there is the silent fear of him killing him self. This was known to me when I enter in the relationship and has been the white elephant in our relationship for as long as we’ve been in it. But it finally came to a boil for me.

After the fight I went into our room laid on our bed and sobbed. Cody then came in to see me and there was no stopping it. I cried out everything I felt. I told him how his depression effects me, I told him about my fear of him killing himself, I told him about how I question why I choose him instead of someone who is happy. I told him about how I hate that he never cares for my feelings and I told him how everything is always about him and what will effect him, I told him my fear of Wyatt having what he has, I told him everything. Every thought I ever had and every feeling I have had in this relationship.

It all over flowed and came out in between the tears, sobs and more tears.The strength I carried for so long finally broke. But then, Cody came closer held me whispered I love you’ s and sorry’s and more I love you’ s and we held each other all night.

The next morning as we woke. Cody was still there safe, I was there relieved and today we love each other a littler harder.

I really can go for some pizza right now.

**The above photos are from our last day in the apartment. The keys have been left, the doors have been closed and it surprised me on how emotional I got. I just closed the doors to 7 years of memories and as we left all I thought about was the hall way Wyatt learned to walk in and I cried harder. I will miss the memories.**

Seriously, I want a huge pizza right now all to my self with amazing toppings and extra sauce. But this post has nothing to do with my late night pizza craving. So lets move on shall we.
A few weeks ago, Cody told me that if I wanted to I could step down from full time and work part time to have more time with Wyatt. When he told me that I cried with excitement, that's all I could think about for days but then I started thinking about how I love my job and how I worked hard to get to where I am. So the excitement stopped and the mom guilt came.
If I choose to work full time that means I choose not to give my time to Wyatt and if I choose to stay home more and work very part time I choose not to have time for my self. What a decision. Right? In my mind I think about how amazing it would be to stay home more but in my heart I feel like I am giving away a part of who I am and I don't know if I could do it.
I want both worlds but is that possible? Cody says I would be less stressed but I feel like now after really thinking about it I would be more stressed and have less control. I mean we would have less money which would equal more fights, I would have less adult interaction which would make me sad. I would do all the “wife” things more like clean, cook wash etc. instead of splitting it which I would hate because I would feel like its unfair.
What do you think? What's better. Work stress? Family stress? More money to do things or less money with not much to do? And how do I pick me over Wyatt with out feeling guilty? Or Wyatt over me with out feeling like I am giving my self up?
awe man…What do I do?

I must be Pmsing

 
I must be Pmsing or I'm just being a bitch (who knows stupid IUD fouls me up.) but god am I one mean ass person lately.  I have been demanding, needy, and cry at nothing all the time and I swear I am craving something but like I know what the hell it is… I just know that I want it NOW!

I cant sleep and when I finally do sleep I am having some weird ass dreams which I’ll never admit too and I am lazier than normal and guess who gets the brunt of it all. Yep, your right the poor husband.
He is still down stairs avoiding me after I threw some hissy fit over well I cant remember but the point is… well there is no point but I guess what I am getting at is that being a girl or a “woman” is hard sometimes and we have feelings and stuff and sometimes we are just mean but not on purpose. Gosh.

Oh, one question before I end this ridiculous post…. how do I convince the husband that its time to have another baby? Any ideas? (and don't use you get to have more sex excuse I've tried that its not working.)

Don’t you effin roll your eyes at me.

Currently I am listening to some indie music found on a blog that I was reading. As I sit in my warm attic office. Its making my mind drift off in different places. I planned on writing about Wyatt's first time at preschool and how I cried in the car when I left him today. Which he did nothing but be good, just like I taught him, which made me cry harder.
But instead, I am stuck on the how its hard have a conversation with my husband.

I just stomped my way up the stairs to cool off after having some stupid fight with the husband. Do you ever just have those times when you like Oh my hell, cant we just have an adult conversation?! Currently I feel like that right now.
I got off work late. like late, late. Wyatt already dead asleep late because some regional guys are coming to walk our store tomorrow so we had to clean the shiz out of it so I'm tired. All I want to do is sit and not think or do anything.

Cody’s sitting in his chair in front of the TV watching the shows we have recorded on the DVR and he starts to go off in a “certain” tone on how the dish guy is coming tomorrow and we need to have the shows transfer off this for that and we might do this because of that and all I said was I'm concerned if this happens and bam an eye roll. which instantly rubs me the wrong way. It makes me think this…

Okay first of all I am tired, annoyed, pissed already because right when I get in the door you start to “lecture me” on what I need to do when you had all night to do it and secondly why is it that anytime I express my concerns you effin roll your eyes at me.

So I of course go in for the kill not thinking just reacting to everything he is saying and yell this… Cody, blah, yell, pissy fit, blah yell, annoyed, shaking my head, arms crossed, yell and this… and that and if you could only talk to me like an adult… he says something which I of course ignore and I say something else because I am determined to get the last word in which I did by the way, stomp upstairs while mumbling to my self learn how to have a conversation!
and I sit stewing. And then I realize… oh my god we just had a fight because he rolled his eyes at me. Whose the one acting like the adult now.

The morel of the story is… marriage is hard people your going to fight Especially when your spouse rolls his eyes at you. over stupid stupid things. The trick is apologizing and admitting when you are wrong or that you hate when your husband rolls his eyes at you and if he didn't do that in the first place you wouldn't have yelled and then maybe have some make up sex.

You know depending on how you feel.