Because this baby hates me.

I have only known that I have been pregnant for 3 weeks. Not only does it feel like I have already been pregnant forever but tonight as I am forced to wonder if  all this morning/all day sickness is in actually in my head. What if I didn't find out that I was pregnant? Would I be this aware of each feeding schedule my body demands before I throw up? Would I hate the taste of all food but chicken? Would I notice all the little twinges that my body makes? Would I actually pee as much as I do?

I never did tell you how I realized I was pregnant. Or maybe I did, I can't remember so I’ll tell you again...

An app told me.

Ha! I know right? I downloaded an ovulation app in December because I figured hey why not maybe this would help me get pregnant since nothing else has.

It had an alarm on it to tell me what days I should be ovulating based on my period since all the marina drama I had it helped me remember when I should have had my period.
Well right before Cody and I went to bed one night the alarm went off and said “your ovulating!” Surprised I told Cody “hey my phone thinks I should be ovulating but I haven't had my period yet. Ha! I bet I am pregnant.” He just rolled his eyes.

But then I did the hurry randomly check the app and then check my phone for when I actually did have my period last month and then I checked my blog because I wrote about it and I sat there thinking Omg I bet I am.Then I thought back to how I haven't been sleeping too well because I have been waking up to pee and then I realized how I noticed smells more… it could be… I might be… oh my gosh am I pregnant?

I took Cody to work the next day and hurried to the store to purchase a test. Now I kept saying in my head “oh no it will be just like the others, where I swore I was and then it says nope bitch you ain't pregnant get over yourself.” But it wasn't. And here I am almost 9 weeks hating every minute of this first trimester and still waiting for my first appointment. (Which is Wednesday thank god) and dreaming that it is twins or maybe hoping it is so then I'd have a reason for all this morning/ all day sickness.

My god I still have 7 months too go! and I am not sure I’ll make it plus I'm pissed that I am complaining because damn, this is exactly what I wanted for months (well years) and all I can think about is how I am up at 5am because I had to pee and now since I am up, you might as well bring on the throw up because this baby hates me.

:::Written early in the morning on my iPhone as I tried hard not to vomit on Cody's sleeping head, jerk:::

Just imagine what Cody is going through.

I don't seem to know how to have sex anymore. This whole IUD removal junk screwed me up. Royally. My sex drive has been non existed for a month now and I get so mad at my self because I desperately want a baby but I cant seem to get in the mood ever.

I have even gone to the length of shaving my legs (which I rarely do. I know gross but get over it cause Cody's use to it by now. ha! sorry husband.) doing my hair, putting lipstick on and wearing skirts in the winter just to try and get my self in the baby making mood. My poor husband tries hard to be with me and I just don't respond and then I cry because I don't. What the hell is wrong with me?

I know you all might be sick of me talking to you about all this IUD stuff and the baby wishes but I just cant get over it all. I need some spice to wake this body of mine up. Cause at this point not having sex will definitely not make me a baby. But its not just that either. I want that connection with my husband. I want all that comes with having sex I just don't know how to get myself out of this mirena crush.

So mommas if you have any tips to build up my sex drive naturally or any advise I am all ears. I am also going to see a doctor but until then I need something to kick me into high gear because this momma is going crazy and I can just imagine what Cody is going through.

look a little closer.

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When I look a little closer I found that I was indeed happy that it happened. I finally got some clarity to what was happening to me and why I kept feeling this dark cloud hang over me. I use to pride myself for being the happy go lucky one. The one who could brighten any room just by walking in it.
I would question why people would feel the way they did. It boggled my mind that depression could seep in with out any notice and with out any question.

But I did question mine. I did wonder why it was happening to me. Why I was allowing it to get to me. I was the strong one, I was the one who could always over come, I was never weak, I was never the victim, I was never.
But the past month or so I found myself surrounded by that dark circle and I couldn't grasp onto the happy I had.  My mind wandered to the grey area and allowed no color to come. The things I loved to turned into the things I dreaded. I wished to sleep, to be distracted from life. I wish to not be bothered.

I have talked here before about the need to have a baby and the struggles of not getting one yet. After I had Wyatt, I decided to get the mirena iud. I had my mirena for about 4 years with no problems but also no period. I did not bleed the entire 4 years I had it. No spotting, nothing. I also never went to another doctor appointment.
So when I went to get it out I was a little panic-y. I thought for sure that something went wrong. That it wasn't there or that it was lodge in so deep that it would hinder me from having another kid. But when the doctor removed it, he said everything looked good and to come back to him when I was pregnant. He didn't tell me what would happen after getting the mirena out. He didn't warn me.

I would say that night after I had my mirena removed and still to this day I went from happy and content to dark deep depression. I couldn't sleep, I had no appetite, no sex drive (all though I forced my self to have sex because that's how babies are made.) I cried at everything, I was extremely hot, sweaty, then super cold. I would get mad for no reason, my emotions were every which way, and my body would show signs of early pregnancy. Sore breast, no period, nausea, lower back pain, super tired, craving food etc.

I would take test after test to lead only to not being pregnant. Which crushed me each time.
Then December 1st came and so did my period. The amount of relief I felt was and still is too much to put into words. Finally I was normal. I was still working. I had a starting point.
The first day of my period was heavy abnormally heavy. I would soak up a heavy tampon within 15 minutes. It was so heavy and hurt so bad that I started to worry that it was abnormal. I become dizzy and light headed because of the shear amount of blood I was losing all I wanted to do was sleep. That night I started I notice that I was losing clots. some got to be as big a quarter. I first I thought it was a mucus plug and that I was having a miscarriage just because I never had anything like this happen to me before.

I was so worried that I ended up crying in my moms kitchen asking why this was happening to me. I always had normal periods. heavy one day light the others no cramping. But now I was extremely heavy a lot of cramping, clotting, sore everything.

After my mom calmed me down and explained what I already knew I went home a googled “first period after having your mirena taken out.” and I found other blogs talking about “the mirena crash” and heavy periods.
The mirena crash is basically detoxing from the hormones left over after removal. So the times when I was feeling crazy, super depressed, mad at everything, rage that seem to come out of now where, instantly sad, how my body was hurting and confusing me was just that. I am not crazy.

I am mad though that my doctor did not mention anything to me. How could he not tell me about the emotional and physically pain I would go through and still am going through. I wish that I was informed about this before I got the mirena because I don't think I would have gotten it. I mean according to these blogs it could take up to a year to get pregnant. If I would have know all that I wouldn't have kept it in as long as I did.
So ladies, if you have the mirena and you get it taken out expect to feel out of control emotionally. expect to have crazy unheard of types of periods, a ton of clotting and pain everywhere and know that you are not crazy you are just detoxing.
I will be making an appointment with my doctor if I don't get pregnant after this period is over. I read that some women don't ovulate for awhile too and that your doctor can boost it into gear so that is what I am planning because I don't want to wait a year for a baby.
I want one as of yesterday.

So we’re trying to get pregnant.

About a month or so go and after much convincing I finally got Cody to say yes to the whole “lets have another kid” idea. I did the whole doctor check up, got my Marina out and well we are not pregnant yet and I am freaking out.

I remember last time that when we started it only took less than a few weeks and bam I was pregnant. Now, any weird feeling I get I think that its my body telling me I am pregnant. Do I feel sick in the morning yet? This boob feels weird not the other one does that make me pregnant? When is my period again? etc. etc. etc.… and I know I am just freaking my self out because I want it so bad and I am worried that I wont have another one.

And if that was true were I couldn’t have another kid I don’t know what I would do. I try and talk with Cody about what happens if I cant get pregnant. He just tells me to stop being so paranoid and that to give my body time to get pregnant.

But I feel like it’s a huge possibility. I don’t know why but I am so scared that no matter what I do, I wont get pregnant. I don’t want Wyatt to be the only child and I feel like I am a damn good mom and that I should have as many kids as I want and that it should happen when I want it too.

Okay, so I might be paranoid but isn't that normal?

I must be Pmsing

 
I must be Pmsing or I'm just being a bitch (who knows stupid IUD fouls me up.) but god am I one mean ass person lately.  I have been demanding, needy, and cry at nothing all the time and I swear I am craving something but like I know what the hell it is… I just know that I want it NOW!

I cant sleep and when I finally do sleep I am having some weird ass dreams which I’ll never admit too and I am lazier than normal and guess who gets the brunt of it all. Yep, your right the poor husband.
He is still down stairs avoiding me after I threw some hissy fit over well I cant remember but the point is… well there is no point but I guess what I am getting at is that being a girl or a “woman” is hard sometimes and we have feelings and stuff and sometimes we are just mean but not on purpose. Gosh.

Oh, one question before I end this ridiculous post…. how do I convince the husband that its time to have another baby? Any ideas? (and don't use you get to have more sex excuse I've tried that its not working.)