Random thoughts on a Sunday.

Currently I am sitting in my living room listening to some morning indie music on my iPhone while Wyatt opens up every single board game that I just put away. My hair is a mess, I am wearing the same shirt I’ve worn every day this week with the most comfy jammies ever. I’ve left the barely touched breakfast on the table like I do each morning to only be put away when I get ready to make lunch. Something's will never change.

I dreamt I was a pirate yesterday on this long voyage to find gold. It was filled with sword fights, drinks and happy moments on the open seas. I saw my self young, with long braded brown hair sitting on the edge of the boat day dreaming as the salted water splashed on my face. Oddly, it was a very peaceful dream. I awoke today, feeling very renewed and refreshed.

Today, is my last non working day. I took 5 days off to finally unpack the last of the boxes that have been stashed in the corner of my living room. They are still there. Well most of them. I spent most of this time off just being there. I’d find moments where I would just hug Wyatt a little longer than normal just to capture the moment and note that I could take my time with him. I need to take time off more. I do.

Tonight, I am hoping that I can finally get the pictures of my camera and spend some quality time in my office. I have months of pictures that have yet to see the light of day. I am finding that I am changing as a photographer. I wish to capture more details of the everyday then the faces of each moment. If that makes since. I just hope that I can finally take the time to share them here.

Its now time that I get ready for the day, pick up the boards games again and finally go to the store and purchase curtains and maybe, I will actually unpack the rest of those boxes.

A time to write

I have spent all morning/afternoon unpacking the last of our boxes and I just cant take it anymore. I am currently hiding in Wyatt's room. It’s the coldest room in the house. The lights are out as the sun is peaking in through the blinds and I slow my breathing while I listen intensely to the soft music playing on my iPhone.

I just got done doing the mom “PICK UP YOUR ROOM” voice and realized that it was time to put my self in a time out. It seems lately I am only capable of writing when I have been completely pushed to my edge emotionally. I don’t know how to write when I am happy anymore.

Don’t get me wrong I am happy. Like yesterday, I was happy watching as Cody tickled and goof of with Wyatt. I was happy as Cody, Wyatt and I snuggled under a blanket as we watch late in the night, our baseball time win.

But I seem to just live those moments and take a special note of them in my mind but never write it down. I want to, I do. I normally sit and stare at this blank screen and try to picture the words to describe those moments but after a few minutes trying I give up and turn off the computer.

This little piece of my internet as seen better days and I am sorry if every time you come here I throw in your face the deep dark side of me. Its not what I intend.

I caught my self smiling a lot this morning after I found Wyatt’s baby box. It was hiding under everything and almost lost to the garage before I notice it.

It hasn’t been open since he was a few months old. I found my self touch, smelling, each little outfit as I measured it against my arm. I dug deep in to find his little toes inked on the hospital papers and I ran my fingers over them. How is it that he was so small?

I found a little book filled with the small moments I quickly jotted down of what it was like when he was just a few days old as I read them I found my self surrounded in those memories. I picture back to when he was born and how we were so surprise to see his blonde hair. I laughed at how Cody was so happy to be the first person to change his diaper and I remember those quite moments Wyatt and I had as I rocked him to sleep singing the lullaby's I made up.

Man, how its changed. It amazes me how much more in love with Wyatt I am. I don’t notice as much as I did then I think its because he is growing just to darn fast. He now has his own ideas and opinions which he never hesitates to tell me and if I didn’t know any better I‘d think he was already a teenager.

I really can go for some pizza right now.

**The above photos are from our last day in the apartment. The keys have been left, the doors have been closed and it surprised me on how emotional I got. I just closed the doors to 7 years of memories and as we left all I thought about was the hall way Wyatt learned to walk in and I cried harder. I will miss the memories.**

Seriously, I want a huge pizza right now all to my self with amazing toppings and extra sauce. But this post has nothing to do with my late night pizza craving. So lets move on shall we.
A few weeks ago, Cody told me that if I wanted to I could step down from full time and work part time to have more time with Wyatt. When he told me that I cried with excitement, that's all I could think about for days but then I started thinking about how I love my job and how I worked hard to get to where I am. So the excitement stopped and the mom guilt came.
If I choose to work full time that means I choose not to give my time to Wyatt and if I choose to stay home more and work very part time I choose not to have time for my self. What a decision. Right? In my mind I think about how amazing it would be to stay home more but in my heart I feel like I am giving away a part of who I am and I don't know if I could do it.
I want both worlds but is that possible? Cody says I would be less stressed but I feel like now after really thinking about it I would be more stressed and have less control. I mean we would have less money which would equal more fights, I would have less adult interaction which would make me sad. I would do all the “wife” things more like clean, cook wash etc. instead of splitting it which I would hate because I would feel like its unfair.
What do you think? What's better. Work stress? Family stress? More money to do things or less money with not much to do? And how do I pick me over Wyatt with out feeling guilty? Or Wyatt over me with out feeling like I am giving my self up?
awe man…What do I do?

On my day off

 
And I have so much shiz to do today such as:

1. get off the computer and get breakfast (yes get because we have no food.)
2. go to the postal office and change our address.
3. unpack the kitchen, living room, bathroom, bedrooms
4. move the furniture in the proper places
5. hang pictures
6. bring all the little things left at the apartment
7. clean the crap out of it (seriously my apartment is gross)
8. take Wyatt to the dentist
9. upload all the pictures on my camera
10. edit/blog them
11. blog
12. blog oh I miss you
13. blog
14. hang the shower curtains
15. take a nap because man I am so tired just writing this list.

we are finally home

                                                                         (me age 18)                                                                                                                                                             (Wyatt sleeping in box he was afraid I’d leave him.)

Right now, I am sitting in my new house bed less and surrounded by boxes. Cody’s in his new recliner reading the newspaper, I just got done reading blogs on the newly connected internet connection and Wyatt is asleep in a tepee that we set up in the living room.

 

Its quite, a nice quite. The kind of quite that makes you feel completely comfortable. The quite were all you start to hear are the crickets chirp, the air conditioner blow and the quite turning of the newspaper.

 

I am home. 

 

This place doesn’t feel odd, different or scary like it did when I moved out at 18. It doesn’t feel complex, nervous or anxious like it did after Cody moved in.

 

It just feels like home. A completely comfortable home. Our completely comfortable home.

As I write these words the room darkens, Cody kisses me then quickly nods off on the couch leaving me to bask in the quite this excellent quite the “we are finally home” quite.

Because man, are we finally home.

Today my day starts at 4am

Yeah, Wyatt thinks its pretty funny that my day starts at 4am. Well I don't jerk! I went to bed early last night which I hate because I like my time to do whatever when the kid falls asleep cause that's the only time I ever get with out having someone saying mom mom mom mooooooooooooooooom at me every two seconds. Its bliss.

Then I got to wake up bright and early this morning (yay!) so I can head to work to do inventory. Which if you’ve ever done retail inventory yeah, it sucks balls. (that's my new favorite saying lately eeek sorry.) Then I get to leave early (like 10ish) from work so I can head to my sisters wedding (which btw who gets married on a Wednesday.) Which I am excited about because its not in a church gym like most Utah weddings so it should be a good one. So be prepared to see a lot of instagram photos of it. 

It will be a long day I doubt I'll get a nap and then guess what I get to do tomorrow!?

Work plus Pack/move again!!

YAY!! (that  sucks balls too. ugh.)

Happy first day of August everyone!

(Yes, I am still packing/moving and yes we have not slept in the new house yet. We currently are waiting for our closets to be done, to have bath curtains and our TV to be set up. We can not live with out those things. Seriously, those words have come out of our mouths. Plus if I move in I have to unpack the kitchen which means I’d have to cook which leads to doing dishes so I'm milking it for as long as I can. wouldn't you?)

to be alive.

“Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep really sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.”-William Saroyan

Progress on the house

Today I thought I would share with you guys some before and after photos of our house. It has been a long hard road (mostly for our uncle THANK YOU for all the work you’ve done. seriously, you are pretty amazing!)  to get our house looking good.

Can I just tell you that I am in love, IN LOVE with my kitchen. I can see my self spending a lot of time in here not only cooking but just enjoying it.

The changes we did to the living room make it sooo much bigger and I also love the main bathroom plus I love that we now have a bathroom in our room.  awwwwwwe.

Oh gosh while I was looking back at those awful before shots of the house it made me cringe at the thought of the people who had to live in it. Man, did it need a redo. bad.

Okay Seriously, people just look at my kitchen again. Isn't it amazing! I am soooo glad we painted it orange and I am glad that I am not stuck with the old one. I would have died. seriously it was bad.

I will take more photos to show the rest of it soon maybe I'll do a video tour.

Boxes have been moved in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Omg, people. We have carpet, which means we started moving boxes in. But lets not get too excited because we wont be in “in” for a few more weeks (or another month) We have until Sept 1 to get out of our apartment So my plan is to start doing one room at a time. Pack and then unpack and put it all away.

We will see if that's going to work but for now that's the plan I got. Tomorrow the kitchen will be pack and ready to be moved in. Unless it gets interrupted because if you live in Utah you know its Pioneer day which means parades bbqs and fireworks which we are going to do 100% (since our fourth was not really that exciting.) I just hope that I get my packing act together to get this plan a rollin’

Can you believe its move in time!?! Yeah, me either.