My kid is an asshole.

Can I just say that literally after I wrote and posted the last post I discovered that all that whining I did about me trying to be simple and blah blah blah its me not them is well bullshit. Because I have determined now that it is them. I have been getting angry and have become a shit mom because well I just cant stand it anymore.

The whining and debating and the negativity that has consumed my house lately is insane. I like to say that if mommas happy everyone's happy. But that's not the case here.

If you have read for awhile you know that my husband suffers from depression and that tends to put everyone else in the same funk and well I‘d like to think that he could snap out of it but… he has yet too. Now my six year old is starting, okay not starting but is exactly like him. He does the same whines, has the same issues that his dad does and never can see the positive in anything and having two people like that is driving me insane.

So I think by simple I mean by not having assholes around all the time.

You might think this is dramatic and well it could be but to me its not. Let me explain. We just got home from walking the dogs because I just finished that half hearted post and I was like LETS WALK THE DOGS GET FRESH AIR IN OUR LUNGS LIFE IS GRAND!!! and cue in the dramatic tantrum from Wyatt. The whining and the I don't want too….. WAH WAH WAH WAH. All the while I just grinned and barred it.

I smothered the kids in their jackets, dealt with the overly excited dogs trying to get their god damn leash on them all the while trying to convince Wyatt that a walk is good for us! You’ll see! I promise!

Then we walked and it was my feet hurt, I don’t want to push the stroller anymore, I cant hold the dogs leash mom. But we endured and took a nice hour long walk. When we got home we checked the mail and I was excited because our Christmas cards arrived and I thought Wyatt was too because he couldn’t wait to open them.

So we get in the house took off all our coats, feed the dogs and then we opened the cards and the first thing Wyatt screamed was “ I hate them!” well fuck you I thought. What an asshole.

And then well I just couldn’t take it anymore its been months of him and months of the husband not liking this, not wanting to do that or whining because I made them do something and then I some how I become the bad person in all of it.

So that was it.

I said well “Screw you Wyatt. Stop being such a asshole. I am sorry these are not to your liking but that’s what I made and took hours to make. So that’s what well be sending out.” Insert bad mom of the year here.

Yep, I called my kid an asshole and nope I don’t even feel bad for it. Because in that moment I felt like he needed to hear how big of a jerk he was being.

I got up and started to do the mad clean you know where you clean your house and grumble under your breathe about everything and anything and then in like 20 minutes your house is waaaay cleaner that it has ever been and you feel better. Yeah, I did that.

Then Wyatt and I had a heart felt conversation about manners and why it was important to consider other peoples feelings and why complaining about everything wont ever make the situation you are in any better and we talked about how to over come all of it and he apologized and I did too.

Then we made a plan.

We a planned to spend more time with just each other. We set a date wrote it on the calendar and then we did it.

And as I finish this post a few days later I realized how much I love Wyatt and how interesting he really is becoming and that spending a whole day together just him and I is important and was clearly needed.

We took the dogs on a walk, we talked over chocolate chip pancakes for lunch, we held hands and hugged more. We laughed and then we dressed ourselves in our best clothes and went and saw a live musical together.

and it was magic.

So even though this post started off as angry, bitter and filled with emotion I wont take it back. Because we both learned something that day. Me, I learned that not only do I need to live that simple life I talked about on the last post but that I also need to live the hard ones too and be true to how life really is around here.

It’s messy, tough, sometimes mean but its also wonderful, magical and full of days that can completely knock out those bad ones.

Today was one of them and I hope tomorrow will be too.

I need to get my simple back.

I am going to be honest with you and with myself. I have sucked lately. Sucked at life sucked at being a mom sucked at being a wife and sucked at my job. I have been selfish and demanding and more than normal. I have eaten a ton of crap and vegged out on the couch for hours and got annoyed when my kids wanted my attention.

I think about all the things I should be doing and should be better at when I am in the shower and I started making myself promises. I am going to wake up earlier and work out. I am going to have my house cleaned before noon. I am going to take the time with each kid. I am not going to get annoyed at Wyatt when he wants to talk to me about nonsense crap. I am going to love my husband more. I am going to….

and then I don’t do it. I do the opposite.

I am at this point in my life that I need more. More excitement, more adventures, more love, more of something.

I want to explore who I am I want to wake up to a simple outline of life.

A life that is planned out and one that’s not planned out.

A life different from the one I have now.

I am done with sitting at home, talking to the same people, doing the same things, dealing with the same problems.

I know that a lot of this has to do with me. That living a life that revolves around just my kids is turning into a an healthy one.

I need to work on me.

I don’t know who I really am anymore. Its not because of work or because of my husband or my kids. Its because I let myself slip away from my simple.

My simple is…

Adventures outside, hiking, climbing, digging, getting dirty.

Running.

My simple is eating fresh food, cooking, exploring new tasty healthy foods.

My simple is laughing with my kids, letting them be kids by getting dirty, by letting the house fall to the waste side. To spending hours out side digging holes,  making mud pies and playing night games.

My simple is long conversations with my husband, cuddling, kisses, just looking at each other and not talking about the kids.

My simple doesn’t have hours in front of screens wasting away for nothing. My simple is a full life.

My simple is reading, learning, loving, eating, dancing, running, laughing, being more.

I need to get my simple back.  Today I will get my simple back.

That happened.

A few things happened while I have been living and not blogging.  So here is a quick run down of it all…

1. Gunner turned one! Crazy. He is a spitfire. He now walks (check out my Instagram for the video of his first steps.) which means he now gets into everything. I started the dreaded time outs. He sure does love them. He likes to show me just how much he does by throw epic tantrums. They are oh so wonderful. But regardless of the toddlering around he does. He is a sweet kid. Loves to laugh and make you laugh. Loves to be the center of attention. He is currently obsessed with trucks especially the big metal old school ones that Cody dug out of his moms basement that use to be his.
2. Wyatt turned 6! HOLY blow my mind I have a six year old. He is in kindergarten and is doing really well. He reads now. He has homework now. and he is making a ton of new friends and has a few play dates. He still is a picky eater, still very emotional but is starting to talk more to other people besides just dad and I. He is totally killing it at karate. We moved him into a whole new studio after he ended preschool which has done wonders for him. He is currently a blue belt with a white stripe and he has comas now. (it’s a crazy weapon he gets to swing around in class.Mothers love it.)
3. Cody turned 30. That is just weird to me. I cant be married to a 30 year old. I’m still so young. Hey you want to know what makes you feel real old. Going to your first parent teacher conference. That there is what brings it all into perspective. Because I remember going to those with my parents not that long ago.
4. So I am finally enjoying working part time (like 9-12 hours a week.) I get why mothers stay home now. I am starting to get my house under control. I got to be here when Gunner walked for the first time and I am less stressed. I never thought that I would enjoy being home. I always thought I needed that “success” to feel good about myself. But what I have learned is that being successful isn’t tied to a job title but to the personal goals you set for yourself. (hopefully I’ll talk more about this in its own post.)
5. My cat of 8 years Buddy who was a little kitten that I raised with Cody died. It was the hardest thing I dealt with. I mean I have had animals pass before but this was different because he was my baby. He had a bladder issue which we did the surgery to clear out all the grit but he took a long time to wake up from the anesthesia which basically made him brain dead so we made the choice to put him down and man I stayed in the room while they did so he’d have his mom with him and it was soo hard. So hard to say good bye. I still think of him and miss him every day.
6. A month later we got some new kittens to add to our family. They are a delight. The first kitten we named Ms. Fluffy Pants. She is the fluffiest cat ever. Full of energy and is the first to try new things. She starting to get along with the dogs and loves to cuddle. Our second kitten is name Sinkerdoddles. She is a scaredy cat. Hides from everyone and takes awhile to trust anyone. Most days she hides under the couch.
7. I ran my first 5k in September and became addicted to running. It has been great! So great that I skipped doing a 10k and went straight for a half marathon that I just completed on Saturday. And man does it deserves its own post because the sheer power of getting it done is just crazy. I still cant really move comfortably. My legs are jelly.
8. We finally built the swing set in our backyard which the kids love and we just built a new shed back there too. In the spring we will be stating the add on. We are adding on 2 bedrooms and a huge living room which I just can’t wait because our house seems to be getting smaller and smaller. It could be that we now have 3 cats 2 dogs 2 kids and a husband plus all the junk that comes with that. Phew we have a house full.

Well that’s the jest of it. I hope to go into a little more detail in upcoming posts but don’t most bloggers say that now. So for now I hope you enjoyed this quick update. (all pictures from the Color run 5K I did in September.)

Get the Junk out of my trunk.

Guys, we are like a week away from being on the TV show hoarders. No joke. (okay maybe a little) but I am currently going on day 3 -DAY THREE!! of decluttering Wyatt’s room. It is so bad. I did not realize how much stuff he has until it kept piling higher and higher and higher in the middle of the room as he pulled everything out from under his bed, toy boxes and off his bed. I was like stunned and overwhelmed and really I couldn’t breath in his room anymore.

Do you ever think that? Where when you are completely surrounded by clutter that it takes more to breath. It stressed me STREESSES me out.  By no means am I saying that I am a clean person. I have an issue of throwing my clothes on the floor and keeping them in laundry baskets. But I could go though my stuff in one day and get rid of 90% off it with out a second thought.

But bring my husband into decluttering and then throw in Wyatt. You get a full on 3 day event. Yes, E V E N T. I literally had to sit there and talk Wyatt thru giving away his stuffed animals (which all 30 of them spent their time covering his bed to the point that he could barely sleep on it.)

He was having a full on panic attack with the thought of donating these. He swore he knew who and when he got each one. I had to ask over 10 questions about each one until finally I threw my hands up and said nope you get to keep 10 that’s it. Choose now or I will choose for you.

Talk about a quick decision. He pulled 10 like that. Then he cried for a good 30 minutes before we could move onto the next area. The first day we spent 8 hours. (yes 8) in his room. And we got no where. Expect having piles of toys and blankets and stuffed animals hanging out in my living room so my dear husband could go through them and “make sure that they are not important” to give away too.

I went to work today and when I came home. The 8 bins full of toys were still there and the husband had 1 little box half way filled with ones he would be willing to part with. So we got no where.

We did have a conversation about how this Christmas we are going to only buy 1 toy per kid with a pair of jammies and then get a family and donate to them instead. Because I can not take toys and clutter anymore.

I am on a purging kick and I am determined to to get this junk out of my trunk aka house, life and soul. I need to be able to breath again in my house and piles of shit is not helping.

(Its like this in each room. and then wait until you go into the garage. FML)

life will no longer be the same for him or me.

Well I did it.

I walked my little man into his first ever kindergarten classroom and then left him there to learn all on his own. It’s a weird feeling you know. Something mixed up of proud, excitement, fear, worry, concern, hope and joy all buddle into one. That all you can really do is smile with encouragement as you leave him in the unknown and walk out. Knowing that he himself is a little buddle of emotions too.

He did good you know, trying to show a brave face but I saw the worry. The tighter hand hold and the nervous steps he took as he walked into his classroom for the first time. He found a place on the table and waited patiently for others to sit by him. He listened carefully to the teacher sometimes jumping out of his chair ready to hand her the papers he was required to turn in. Papers filled with rules and questions such as “are you allergic to anything?” “what's your moms name.” etc. Papers he tucked so carefully into his book bag last night.

He got up last night, came down into my room and slept in my bed until I woke up next to him cuddled next to me. My little baby so nervous about his first day that he had to come and cuddle with me. His long legs hogging our bed, His long arms wrapped around my neck. and his soft blonde hair nuzzled under my chin. What I realize this early morning as I held him close to my chest.

My baby isn't a baby anymore, he is a little man now.

A kindergartener and life will no longer be the same for him or me.

shit like this makes me want to pull my hair out.

It was my first day as a very part time working with two kids and lets just say that they did not make it sunshine and rainbows. I questioned why other mothers do this very job 24/7 with out the escape of work and adults and just plain being out of the house without their kids.

I mean I spent my morning and afternoon sorting and sorting and folding and smelling clothes and doing the thousand loads of laundry that has not been done in like 3 years.

All the while I dealt with a teething 11 month old who only wants to be held but then not held, held and then not held and then he wants to be put down so he can get into everything when he scoots about. His favorite thing right now, the dog dish full of water. He seems to think that it is his to drink out of and splash in. Its great toweling up the water mess every few hours because I forget that I left it down for the dogs to you know actually drink out of.

Oh and what I loved also about today was the sleep drunk fight of trying to give him a nap. That was my favorite. Him banging his head into mine, biting me and pulling my hair I just looked forward to that all day and Wyatt well he is on the kick of attitude galore. Its been fabulous.

He sassies me and parents Gunner to the point that I have to say “whose the parent Wyatt me or you?” and he makes messes after I just cleaned and interrupts my TV watching time and h a t e s what we are having for breakfast lunch and dinner and eats like a bird or not at all.

I mean really he wasn’t all that bad until it was time to go to karate. He lost his shoes and cant find his pants puts his shirt on backwards and says his “tooo tired to move and he look in his room already for his shoes they aren't there mom I swear” even though I stomped upstairs and found them sitting there in the middle of his room with nothing else by them which then made us late for karate and I hate being late

and don’t get me started on bed time.

My husband hijacked my show last night.

You know that commercial. The one where there is a couple sitting on a couch together and the pan over to the girl who is acting surprised at each pivotal moment that their show is having and then the boy calls her out and says “you’ve watched ahead didn’t you?” Well, I'm that girl.

I love me some tv. I especially love binge watching on Netflix. I tend to do this with out Cody because I like to watch it all now if I can and he, well he talks during the shows, reads the paper, doesn’t really pay attention and he will go to bed on time instead of staying up until 3am to finish the season. Plus he likes to watch our shows together and refuses to let me move onto the next episode if he isn't there so I tend to try to watch my shows alone so I can get them done and move onto the next one.

Well he hijacked my show last night. Its been a week since I started watching The Killing on Netflix and I am currently on season 3 with like 3 episodes left and I was watching them last night after dinner while folding laundry and Cody happened to be in the same room as me (putting together a new carpet cleaner for me.) and he started to watch it and asked me a ton of questions and then declared that this was our show and I now have to wait for him to catch up before I can move onto the next episode.

What?

So I am so pissed right now. Because am I right at the point that they figure out who the killer is and and and it was my show first damn it and when you’re married you have to shared e v e r y t h I n g. Ugh, I hate sharing.

So I might skip ahead and pretend I didn’t when he finally catches up to me because I’m that girl.