I had a complete emotional melt down.

I am not proud of my actions last night. I was complete overhauled by my emotions that nothing anyone said or did would make it better for me. I yelled, cried and basically had a panic attack at my husband at 2 in the morning.  Its hard for me, you know to stay home. I always have this vision in my head of being a stay at home mom but when it comes down to it. Its hard and I don't think I could do it full time. I like be able to get out and have other work to do besides cleaning the house and cooking the meals and well taking care of kids.

So far its been 3 weeks since I started my maternity leave and I am now started to go bat crazy.  The first week rocked because A: I didn't have the kid yet, so I got other things done and didn't have to worry about a baby eating pooping and crying. B: it was nice to be away from the drama at work.

The second week, well I was mostly in the hospital and when I got out I was in a whirlwind of trying to figure everything out that I mostly sat on my couch due to not being able to be as active as I would like because of the c-section and taking care of the baby that my feelings were pushed aside.

But this week. Its been hard. I feel like I have no friends, that all I do is clean, cook change a baby, nurse a baby, NURSE a baby some more and oh well NURSE a freaking baby some more. I have not really left the house expect to run Wyatt to preschool and karate and to do errands with Cody.  I have checked my instagram account and Facebook more than I liked to admit and I have read everyone's blogs to the point I am looking for more to read.

I am bored. So bored but cant do anything about it because I cant really go to far with a nursing baby. And really I have no idea what I want to do, all I do know is that I am sick of being inside.  

So the only logical thing I could do was to explode on Cody last night. Right, that's what us emotionally women do in the time of pure desperation.

Now from my point I had valid reasons of being so emotional.  First, Cody was out all day at work then was home for maybe 10 minutes before he took my first born to a soccer game all night leaving me bored at home again with the baby again. Because Wednesday he did the same thing.

When he finally did get home 3 hours after the game was over (WHAT?) he brought home a very tired little boy who clinged onto me and I was already dealing with a very fussy baby that I was already trying to put down for the night but nothing was working and what was Cody to do? He couldn't breast feed the baby so he did what he could by putting Wyatt to sleep.

But then people he did something so horrific, so mind blowing… he went to bed too.

What?! How could he? Its not like he has work in the morning (which he does.) Or a paper route that he’d be getting up for in 4 hours before his said work. But in my emotional lack of sleep and sick of nursing mind that was the last straw. HOW COULD HE??!!? Didn't he know that it was his turn to nurse and rock the baby asleep? My god! So I got mad said things that really I am not sure what they were but I said them and then I cried and cried and cried until it was 4 in the morning. Gunner finally fell back asleep and I did too until the next feeding. Which at that point Wyatt woke up with a nightmare found me feeding Gunner in the nursery so I cuddled him and nursed Gunner at the same time while Cody again slept and I cried.

kitty sitter

This has to be one of the best photos that I have gotten of my two boy thus far. It not only shows the personality of my first born Wyatt but also how much my little Gun whose just a week fresh already adores his big brother. I can’t wait to capture more photos like this of these two as they grow up.  ( this photo was originally posted on instagram check more of photos out there)

Also If you haven't had a chance to check out little Gun’s birth story head here and take a moment to read it.

Linking to: Parenting by Dummies, Project Alicia, Jenni from the Blog, In The Moment With, The papermama and Live and Love Outloud.

I just cared that he was born alive and healthy.

One week ago yesterday, little Gunner Jonathan Christensen came into the world on 9/9/13 at 7 pounds 19 inches long at 1:21pm via C-section. It was one of the best moments in our lives and we are truly blessed and I am finally to the point in my healing plus trying to figure this “mom of two boys “out (OMG I am a mom of TWO boys!!) to take a moment and write his birth story.

Cody and I… Well mostly I had plans to try and deliver Gunner as a natural (no epidural) VBAC (vaginal after C-section.) I wanted the experience. That moment that when your baby comes out and all you hear his is cry and you can’t help but cry yourself because you just birthed that thing and man was it tuff but you did it. That empowerment, that moment that no one could take from you because you did it, you survive it, you brought a human into the world naturally like they did in the old days and man was it all worth it.

But I didn't get that. Just like I didn't get it with Wyatt.

And the truth is I knew that I wouldn't, I knew weeks before Gunner arrived. I knew what day he was coming and around what time because we had to have it planned and the day we sat in my doctors office and he told us that we needed to plan for a c-section… I was a little relieved until I left his office. 

My dream of being that woman who triumph and deliver a baby out of my own vagina was gone. Well possibly gone. We had to planned it because my uterus and cervix was not working properly.  Was not doing well, anything. And the more we waited the more of a chance that Gunner would suffer. Every weekly appointment he was moving less and less and growing bigger and bigger and yet my body was doing nothing to help him come. It literally was not doing a damn thing. Every pre labour contraction I had did nothing but make me miserable and Gunner stressed.  My doctor sat in front of Cody and I and explained all this and told us that he would give us until my due date the 7th and if not we had to choose a date and a time that next week to welcome our baby into the world.  So we did and we kept it a secret.

I was determined to get this baby out before or on my due date because I wanted my dream of a VBAC. Then Sunday night (the 8th. A day passed by due date and a night before the schedule c-section) I started to have contractions. Real ones, but I knew that we already had an appointment to be at the hospital at 11am the next day so I tried to sleep through them which was hard and didn't happen but I waited as long as I could.

Cody finished up some ordering he had to do at work that morning while I dropped Wyatt off at my mom’s with his overnight bag and a huge kiss and wish him a “Happy big brother day.” and then we were off… to have a baby.

We get there at the hospital, check in, hooked up and saw the amount of contractions I was having so we tired. We tried to go the way I wanted. We tired to go naturally. So from 11am until 1ish I tired to have my baby the way I wanted.

But that dream again ended because with every contractions Gunner did not have a heart beat and if he did it was barely there. Just like Wyatt. So they told me, we can wait, we can try, we can do it how you want but as you can see and hear it will end up as an emergency C-section instead of a planned out one.

What do you want?

I wanted a healthy ALIVE baby. So at 1pm they suited Cody and I up in the hospital gear and we walked (well I rolled) into the surgery room and they cut me open and I had a baby.

It took them a while to get little Gunner out. They had to suction cup his cute little bottom (which is bruised now.) and cut me open wider (which hurts like hell still) to finally get him to come but when they did and they pulled him out he cried hard and so did I. I had my baby finally. My second son. The little pistol who had been tormenting me for 9 months and at that moment I didn't care that I had him via C-section. I just cared that he was born alive and healthy.

 

**To see more pictures of little Gunner and to see what we have been up to visit our Facebook and instagram pages.**

21 days to make a habit and I have plenty of those days to make it a possibility.

While on maternity leave I have huge plans to better not only myself but my family as well. I feel like this past year I kind of lost what I and we were all about. I found myself questioning everything about not only myself but my family. I talked on here a lot about how I didn't want to work where I do anymore and how it was making me feel negative all the time.  How the mom guilt took over and how Wyatt and I’s days were spent more doing errands then actually playing with each other. The only good thing this year I can say is that Cody and I have been getting along which in past years were not always true.

I tend to be an over thinker and feeler. I expect a lot out of people and demand that they are like me in everything I feel and do. So when those fall short its hard for me to not get upset. So when it came down to me being able to actually have 8 weeks leave from work where I would be home to take care of baby Gunner I also told my self that I was and am going to go back to the basics and fix and organized my house hold.

So far the first steps I have taken was to go back to blogging. I know some people think well how is that going back to the basics. Well, this is my journal. This is a place that I can come and vent and talk and do what I need to do to clear my mind and hopefully have someone out there in the world that gets it.

The next step is that I made a chore chart for Wyatt and also one for Cody and I. I am determined that keeping my house clean will be a good step towards feeling positive. A clean home is a happy home right? I am not going to let the clutter pile up like we have. For example today, I actually made real food which made me have dishes and normally I would just throw them in the sink and move on but today I didn’t. I actually put them in the dishwasher and then proceeded to clean off the counters. Wow… big step for me.

The others things I want to hopefully accomplish is eating right and losing weight.  This one scares me. We are a family who goes out to eat everyday or we just pop something in a microwave and the veggies and fruit we eat are scarce. Mostly whatever Cody decided to bring home from work that day and really it’s just Wyatt that eats it.

My sister bought the insanity work out and she is going to let me borrow the weeks she has completed so cross your fingers that I actually stick to it. I figured if I can get myself into shape than the family will follow suit. Plus with us having half my income eating out will not be possible. So I need to figure out meal plans and be smart about it all. And I wont have work as an excuse to use. I will be home and able to work out. Eeeee… this one will be tuff for me. But I keep thinking how nice it will be to actually lose all the baby weight plus the weight I had on before and to move and have fun with Wyatt and Gunner will be just a plus.  I can do this… I can do this…

And the last thing getting back into my photography groove. Oh how I miss it.

I know that a lot of this is about me but I can only control myself (right?) and if I can get me back to what I should be then everyone else hopefully will follow. It takes 21 days to make a habit and I have plenty of those days to make it a possibility.

I think my husband is secretly hating me inside.

I think my husband is secretly hating me inside.

One because I am pregnant and the hormones are crazy and lately I have been asking well demanding kisses, hugs and touches every five seconds which in the normal world would be fine because it would lead to making babies but at this stage he gets nothing. Seriously having an almost 8 pound thing in your body and trying to have sex is near impossible and the woman who say its not is well better than me because I aint down to no breathing for a 15 minute love session. So yeah, I am basically blue balling him and he knows it. Sorry dude, you still got like 6 weeks after the kid is out too. So um… we will find you a girlfriend or I will just give you “your time alone.” Whatever. At this point I don't care I just need my kisses damn it!

Secondly he probably hates that with me being on maternity leave allows me to “goof” off on the computer all day and not pay attention to him plus I seem to forget that people need to eat dinner. So yeah there's that too. But hey, at least I can say that soon it will all settle down to like it was and then we will have a baby and it will go crazy again. Ha! Man, I’d hate me too.

This morning we went to my baby appointment (hopefully the last one) and right when the doctor walked in he said “man, still pregnant huh?” Yep, still p r e g n a n t. Great. He checked me and well GUESS WHAT!?!?!?!? I am still at a 1.

Yeah, not excited about that either. What a jerk baby. So the idea of having him in 2 days (when my due date is) is like not going to happen. I better just get over it and realize that I could possibly be pregnant the rest of my life and that really Gunner is not anything but an alien in my belly to hunt me and make me crazy. Because at this point that is exactly what is happening. I am going crazy.

We also took Cody to a chiropractor because of his neck “pain” and I am sooooo happy for him that he feels better now and is back to normal in the matter of 15 minutes. Yeah he sucks and I am secretly hating him now because god damn it get this kid out of me!

Can I just say, that I know most of you might be sick of me telling you how I am tired and done being pregnant blah blah blah and that this is a blessing and some people cant get pregnant, well I get that. I do. I understand that. Last year I felt the same thing about wanting to be pregnant and I am now upset that I am.

I am just physically tired, worn out and this pregnancy has not been how I thought it would be and well that has thrown me off so I'll most likely keep complaining out how I want Gunner to be here and to go back to my normal body issues because well first I am excited to see another little baby and second I wont be pregnant anymore. So just deal with my issues okay?

And if you are one of those wanting to be pregnant people. I hope it happens and that you get to experience all the joy and all the pain that comes from carry a baby in your womb for 10 months. Because it is amazing. Seriously amazing… cause look how amazing you will look while you are 9 months pregnant. Absolutely gorgeous.

I want to wake up in your hair.

Three questions | by Caitlyn Siehl

My mother tells me

that when I meet someone I like,
I have to ask them three questions:

1. what are you afraid of?
2. do you like dogs?
3. what do you do when it rains?

of those three, she says the first one is the most important.
“They gotta be scared of something, baby. Everybody is. If they aren’t afraid of anything, then they don’t believe in anything, either.”

I met you on a Sunday, right
after church.
one look and my heart fell into
my stomach like a trap door.

on our second date,
I asked you what you were afraid of.
“spiders, mostly. being alone. little children, like, the ones who just learned how to push a kid over on the playground. oh and space. holy shit, space.”
I asked you if you liked dogs.
“I have three.”
I asked you what you do when it rains.
“sleep, mostly. sometimes I sit at the window and watch the rain droplets race. I make a shelter out of plastic in my backyard for all the stray animals; leave them food and a place to sleep.”

he smiled like he knew.
like his mom told him the same
thing.
“how about you?”

me?
I’m scared of everything.
of the hole in the o-zone layer,
of the lady next door who never
smiles at her dog,
and especially of all the secrets
the government must be breaking
it’s back trying to keep from us.
I love dogs so much, you have no idea.
I sleep when it rains.
I want to tell everyone I love them.
I want to find every stray animal and bring them home.
I want to wake up in your hair
and make you shitty coffee
and kiss your neck
and draw silly stick figures of us.
I never want to ask anyone else
these questions
ever again.

Originally found on this blog and just had to share with you… this is how I feel about Cody.

Any day now sounds like a good date to me.

Cody has a paper route he does early in the morning for extra cash. He has been doing this for years now. The other day when he was out on his route he pinched a nerve in his back carry the heavy bag. The reason I am letting you all know this is that I find it to be quite funny. He has been a big mope complaining about how much it hurts and how he can’t really move and all I can think of is HA! Now you know what I have been dealing with for 9 months. I am to the point that I literally have to have Wyatt or Cody push me out of bed if not I have to roll and fall off the bed to get up.

How crazy. I keep saying I was never this way with Wyatt…  wait I was going to tell you how I was working full time on my feet still with Wyatt at this time but you know I just realized that around this time when I was pregnant with Wyatt I was actually in labour. What? Omg. I was 3 days early with Wyatt.  Maybe…. just maybe I will go into labour today.

I have been cleaning like mad today. Isn't that a sign that something will be happening? So far I have clean, like DEEP cleaned my kitchen and now I am onto the bathrooms. I have also packed our bags for the”big day” and folded all the laundry, cleaned the crap out of Wyatt’s room and organized Gun’s room. 

Hmm….

Maybe today could be the day. September 4th does sound like a good day to come into the world to me Gunner. Right? Its a good date. Hey you know what even September 5th sounds like a good one too, Gunner. Really a n y d a y now sounds like a good date to me. GET OUT OF ME ALREADY!

3 days until my due date. 3 days… 3 days…

 

His last hurrah.

The last couple of weeks have been a little hard for Wyatt. I was working a ton to make sure my office would (hopefully) run smooth when I was gone on maternity leave. Cody was doing the same but for stress of having our income cut due to me going on maternity leave. (Half a check is better then no check right?) So Wyatt was left with two over tired stressed parents who wanted nothing to do but sit when they got home. So he has been acting out a little. And for Wyatt acting out means “talking back” to us and demanding things instead of asking nicely. We have even had cry tantrums. Which if you know Wyatt is a shocker because I don’t remember the last time or if there was even a time that he had a tantrum.

So late at night Cody and I would talk about what we needed to do for Wyatt to make it not so hard on him and we came up with a plan.  I traded shifts with a co-worker  last Thursday which are normally Cody’s day off and Wyatt’s preschool day.

Our plan was to pick him up from preschool and “pretend” to run errands but instead we will be taking him on the train to SLC and head downtown to the most amazing children's museum and also go to the planetarium.

So Cody and I talked to Wyatt the days before and told him how much errands we would have and things to do and that on our days off we wont be able to go anywhere fun or do anything but those because Gunner’s coming soon and we need to make sure that we are ready… blah blah blah. We did this because we wanted him to be super surprised and have no idea what are plans actually were.

When it came time Cody and I’s excitement was through the roof. We picked Wyatt up from his school and I told him how we needed to go to this place before we go home because Blah blah blah and Wyatt just broke down and starting crying and he kept saying “I don't want to do this noooo!” I tried so hard not to laugh and so did Cody. We started to drive and Wyatt was pouting in the back set and then we got closer and closer to the train station and Wyatt started asking “Why are we going here what’s happening mom?” We pulled into the train station and the train was already there and I told him that we had to hurry and catch the train because you are going on a surprise!!

He couldn’t unbuckle his car seat fast enough. He got out and started running to the train! It was the best feeling to see him so happy. The whole ride to SLC he kept trying to get us to tell him what else we were doing and he kept guessing and he was glued to the window and would get super excited when we’d go under bridges. It was amazing.

It was more amazing when we got the the museum which is where he has been asking to go to for months now. He couldn’t stop running from one place to the other playing with all the toys. It was awesome. But what was even cooler was when we took him to the planetarium.

Wyatt has been in a scientist kick lately so taking him the planetarium was the cherry on top to the whole day. He was in awe. He got to see all the planets, all the stars and even got to walk on the moon and mars. Then we let him have at it in the gift shop. We came home with a ton of different kind of rocks, a space kit for his room and glow and the dark stars. He was one lucky kid and I am happy that Cody and I did that for him. It will be his last hurrah as the only kid.

He’s talked about it for days now and has his rocks nicely displayed in his room. It was something he needed for sure and I am glad that we did that. Less than 5 days (hopefully) until Wyatt will no longer be the only child.

(above are the instagram photos of that day. 1. was us checking on Gunner at his baby appointment we had early that morning. (he wasn't kicking enough for the doctors liking but everything was and is still fine.) 2. is me super Prego and I could barely walk to the car by the end of the night 3. Cody and Wyatt walking downtown to the museum 4. Wyatt at the museum in the “grocery store” acting like daddy 5. Wyatt at the planetarium on the moon looking down at earth  6. Wyatt waiting for the train to take us back home with the biggest grin ever. )

 

Hey, its all about us.

Learn more about Wyatt here, about Gunner here, about Me here and more about Cody here. And our newest little baby Andalyn here

1. I am a procrastinator.
2. I enjoying embarrassing myself and others but I hate, haaaaate (and get super embarrassed like hide in a hole and never come out) when people make fun of how I spell. I know I cant spell, leave it at that. Thanks jerks.
3. When I am mad I tell people I am going to punch them in their face and I wish that I would but I don’t. Cause I could kill them with the amount of shear power I have in these arms. Man, they’re tough.
4. I’ll pick on you when I really like you (as a friend dude, I am married. get off this. pssh.)
5. I tend to be very funny and sarcastic but in “real life” I am super deep and tend to get lost in my mind and its hard to get out of it.
6. I am very artistic until I’m not, then I get depressed and feel like a freakin’ turd.
7. I love photography. A lot. Its all I talk about really, besides my boys. (check me out on instagram.)
8. I am 30 going on 31 and super H O T T.
9. I didn't shave my legs for like 4+ months. One: because I ran out of razors Two: because I didn't care. Three: you should have seen the shower after I shaved. It was gross.
10. I have 3 cats and 2 dogs. which are all inside animals. So our house is crazy.
11. Sometimes I am too honest that it gets me in trouble.
12. I am a computer site tech at an inner city elementary school.
13. I have very high expectations of myself, sons and especially my husband Cody.
14. I have been married for 8 years together for 12.
15. I met him at my first job. He worked in the produce department (and still does but for a different company) and I was a cashier. He had a crush on my friend, I tried to hook them up but then we fell in love instead. awe….
16. He has manic depressant anxiety disorder, hates big crowds or any attention really.
17. I am super outgoing, love big crowds and crave attention.
18. Totally opposites attract which can cause big problems and has but we do love each other. A lot.
19. Wyatt is 7 now and Gunner is 2 and we just welcome baby Annie in February 2016 
20. I am learning to be healthy and happy. I have lost 25 lbs so far and hoping to get to my goal of another 25 this year!

So Hello! Thanks for getting to know us! Leave a comment to say hello or follow me on Snapchat @daisydudes I am crazy there.

**this blog was formally known as The Daily Wyatt and has since moved to here. To see more posts until I move them all over here please visit our old home.**

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