I am going to choose to be positive today. Are you?

Cody and I got in a fight this week. One of those you say things that you regret fights. Where the yelling out ways the talking and the tears run hot on your face. I am unsure really what it was all about. It seemed to consist of everything that bothered us about each other over the last few months which boiled up quickly and hit the fan hard.

A few truths did come out which made him think and which also made me think. One thing he said that rang true for me was that I am always negative. Once he said that I stopped and really thought about that.

Am I? Really? Do I tend to lean to the bad things? Have I lately? And to be completely truthful I have.

At work I am negative.

At home I am negative.

In my car I am negative.

When speaking with friends I am negative.

When speaking with family I am negative.

It has become a full time thing for me.

I rarely have positive things to say about co workers, about my friends, about my family, about anything really.

Why is that?

I know that I have good intentions. I know that I wish to spend my days in bright happy moments and that I long for them but cant seem to get there.

I could blame the pregnancy and say that I am full of hormones that make me go crazy. But then why was I this way before the kid was kicking the shiz out of my belly?

I could say that my IUD was making me crazy (which I think it was.) but really its mind over matter right?

I have come a costumed to being negative. I share only negative stories and thoughts. I demand that people be on the same level as me so I can relish in their own negative thoughts. I can relate to people who talk the same way as I do. I will get bored and tend to be bothered by you if you are happy or talk positive. I tend to do the pshhh yeah right face and push you off as being fake and will get annoyed quickly by your positivity.

So how do you get your positivity back? Well I did the whole “lets search Google and find out how thing” and I read this...

“Being a positive thinker is not about ignoring reality in favour of aspirational thoughts. It is more about taking a proactive approach to your life. Instead of feeling hopeless or overwhelmed, positive thinking allows you to tackle life's challenges by looking for effective ways to resolve conflict and come up with creative solutions to problems.”

So how do you do that? How do you become a positive thinker?

Well I think it all comes down to a choice. Am I going to be negative about this or can I choose to find the positive? The more times I choose to be positive the more likely I will be just that, positive. And knowing that my attitude effects the people and actions around me needs to matter more than it has. The more I am negative the more negative things will surround me. But can you image how it will be if I choose to be have positive things around me? It would be amazing.

I am going to choose to be positive today. Are you?

Where work obligations don’t sneak in on the weekends.

I am currently waiting for the laundry to dry so I can get ready for work. Wyatt is currently destroying my clean living room by bringing any toy he can find to just put it on the floor to go grab another one and the baby is currently cooking in my belly.

I am a little bummed that I have to go to work today and not only go but that I have to close. I keep looking out the window wishing I washed all our clothes last night so I could at least have a moment in the sun with Wyatt before I go to work but instead we are stuck in pjs looking out the window at others having fun. 

These are the days that I long to be a stay at home mom where work obligations don’t sneak in on the weekends. Where we could be at a splash pad running through the water or we could be at park sliding down slides or I could be preparing for a BBQ but instead I am still waiting for the laundry to dry so I can slip into my work clothes.

This summer my plan is to do. Just to do. This will be the last summer I have with only Wyatt. The last summer with our family of three. The last summer where Wyatt is the only child.

Oh Hello Summer.

  

Hello summer, you are slowly making your way to us. We’ve spent our days as of late basked in your warmth and allowed the grass to tickle us as we laid to watch the puff clouds you make so graciously for us to gaze at in your bright blue sky.

Oh hello summer, your sunshine is like powdered gold over the grassy hillside where we will beg for ice cream cones, lakes to cool our toes in and craved only barbeque treats.

We ask for fire pits in your cool evenings to help melt sticky marshmallows and clear nights to see nothing but the thousand stars in your deep night sky.

Oh hello summer,  you come to slow and leave to quick but this year, this year we will do nothing but enjoy you.

I think working moms get a bad rap.

 

Cody and I had a talk last night about the kid in the belly and that boy we call Wyatt. It started off talking about how weird it is going to be to have another one and how we cant imagine what it will be like, then it drifted off to how nervous it makes us which then led to us talking about me and working again.

While I was pregnant with Wyatt I worked full time had only two weeks off after he was born and then went back to work full time again. I worked full time hours for a few months and then made the choice to go part time because I notice how difficult it was for Cody to care for Wyatt as a new born. In a way I am glad that I stepped into a part time role but also it was more difficult for us then finically. Cody was and still is an excellent provider but you can only do so much with one income.

So for the first year of Wyatt’s life I stayed home during the week and worked the weekends. Cody last night talked about how he is worried that with me working that I will not be here to teach the new kid how I taught Wyatt. Then he said how it makes him upset that now since I am working I don't do the same things I did with Wyatt when he was little and that he is not being taught anything new.

Man, talk about throwing me into some mom guilt. Thanks. I know that I have talked so much on here about working full time and the stress of trying to be a mom, wife and a full time employee and how it can be hard to juggle it and that most days I wished I’d stay home but when Cody said that I become very defensive.

I do a damn good job at raising Wyatt. He is smart, listens really well and is quite funny and just because I am a working mom does not mean that I don't spend time with him. I mean my days are filled with the worry of Wyatt and if he is being fed, bathed, taught, paid attention too. I pick the right people to take care of him when I have to be at work and I demand that they also care about all those things too and that on the days that he needs me more, work is the last thing on my mind.

I turn down vacations alone with friends, I don't go out every weekend and on my days off they are filled with what fun things am I going to do with Wyatt. If I have to go do errands on my days off I don't make Wyatt go to a babysitters I take him with me.

Who says that working mom’s cant raise their children to be amazing adults. What is the difference of me being home 24/7? Maybe the house would be cleaner and I’d cook more meals but really I would expect Wyatt to be just how he is and learning just what he is learning. I aint going to hold his hand around the house and I wouldn't want him around me at every second because my god does he need to learn to be able to entertain him self because people aren't going to do that for him.

I do understand Cody’s fear though. This kid (the baby) is going to have a different start then Wyatt did but don’t all second kids do? I was a fresh mom with Wyatt I bought all new things, had to have the most expensive stuff, I maybe held him to long and picked him up at every cry. I mean what new mother doesn't?

But I get it now, I get what is needed and what isn't. I will be the mother that is needed even if that means that I have to work or who knows maybe I will make that choice to stay home after the kid is born but regardless I think working moms get a bad rap.

Just because we work to help provide a better life for our children doesn't mean that we are any different then the stay at home moms. Because I know when I stayed home I had the same worries that I do now as a working mom. I just get to juggle more.