Note to self: Don’t Google while pregnant.

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If you didn't know from my Facebook posts and my Instagrams I have been in some extreme morning/all day sickness and this is the first day that I have actually not been to the point of needed to be by the toilet all day. I so far have yet to throw up. (even though I have had the nausea all day.)

I have tried everything from eating every two hours, to snacking all day, to only eating banana creamy, to drinking a ton of water, to well just allowing my self to just throw up. It is so bad that I have nausea all day long even after I throw up and then when I do, I throw up so hard that I peed my pants.  Yes, I have peed my pants.

And now I am starting to think that it might be because I have 2 kids in there instead of one. I swear with Wyatt I threw up but it wasn't anything like this and I am literally freaking my self out. I have googled “symptoms of twin pregnancy.” and well there is a lot out there to freak the freak out of you.

What if I was Prego with twins? I mean that would be cool but also I think I would shiz my self if I was.

What the hell would I do with 2 babies? Cody would most likely leave me (okay he wouldn't but my god he would be in some extreme state of mind.) and I would not be able to work. at least not for a few years… I just don't know. It would be super crazy.

My first doctor appointment is Feb.6 so I have to hang on until then but for now I need to stop Googling because it can be a dangerous tool to pregnant women.

Just in case you haven't heard.

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Yesterday I announced via Instagram and Facebook that my EGGO IS PREGO!

(WOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!)

I know that test is light and I know that I am at the super early stage and some people don't normally share the news at this point. but I am not one to not be an over sharer. Plus I took 3 tests at different times and one again this morning that the second line grew darker.

According to the internet and my guess at when my last period was I believe I am at least 5-6 weeks along which is still to early to go to the doctor since they like to see you at 8 weeks. My non-doctor, internet given due date would be in September maybe the 7th-ish.

I am okay with the fact that I am sharing this now because I knew instantly that I was with Wyatt and I shared the same news at this early stage too and I have him. Plus I am already starting to feel the sickness and the urge to pee in the middle of the night.

Like last night, I woke up at 3am pee a lot and couldn't go back to sleep because of the nausea. This morning, still nausea but no throwing up yet.

With Wyatt I threw up each time I ate and never cried. This time so far it is the opposite. I cry at everything and haven't thrown up yet.  So maybe its a girl?

That would be crazy but it wouldn't that be fun, different and super scary? eeee…

What do you think it is?

This kid.

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This kid. Oh my he seriously cracks me up. Cody and I have talked a lot about what is in store for him when the baby gets here. Cody worries that he might not take it so well having another kid come in and take some of his attention away. But I think its going to be the opposite I think he will thrive on being the big brother.

He was the first person I told when I found out. I picked him up from preschool and told him I had a secret to tell him and as we got into the car I told him that I had a baby in my belly. He responded with a huge smile and said “Do you really?!” “Mom, do you really?!” As I replied with a “yep” he then said “I wont change the poopy diapers but I will feed her a bottle when he cries.” Okay, deal” I said.

He even told Brooklyn (his best friend) today that I had a baby in my belly and that meant I was pregnant. I think he will take on his role as the big brother very well. I do however feel like he will take it hard once he realizes that we will be changing his sleeping arrangements. He will be moving to the playroom upstairs and the baby will get his room. So that should be interesting.

If you guys got any tips on how to help the transition into big brotherhood let me know I would love to hear about it.

Thanks!

my toes are still cold.

My toes are wrapped in a thick blanket covered with two pairs of socks and I have the only standing heater on high blowing in my direction but my toes are still cold.

My day has been filled with a little longing of that happy I was trying to find and yet yesterdays disasters kept creeping into my today.

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Those moments seem to bring nothing but hurt and I continued to dig deeper into the disasters. I screamed in the car on my way to work and said things to myself that I thought would make it all better and yet it didn't. I planned revenge and had the chance placed in my hands for it and then I stopped it wasn't worth creating another day of this.

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So I stopped. Took my self away from those thoughts. Avoiding the same thing I would normally do. I came home and I looked in his direction and ponder on why I loved him and not on why he made me mad and then I saw it.

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His olive skin, cute freckles placed in random places on his rosy cheeks. He freshly cut hair, but it was more than that. He was my husband. He is the one who holds me, kisses my tears, listens when I desperately need the extra ears.

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He is the one, who gives me the only heater, he is the one who gives me the thickest blanket and he is the one who will warm up my toes when we sleep tonight.

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He is my one and he is my happy.

Just imagine what Cody is going through.

I don't seem to know how to have sex anymore. This whole IUD removal junk screwed me up. Royally. My sex drive has been non existed for a month now and I get so mad at my self because I desperately want a baby but I cant seem to get in the mood ever.

I have even gone to the length of shaving my legs (which I rarely do. I know gross but get over it cause Cody's use to it by now. ha! sorry husband.) doing my hair, putting lipstick on and wearing skirts in the winter just to try and get my self in the baby making mood. My poor husband tries hard to be with me and I just don't respond and then I cry because I don't. What the hell is wrong with me?

I know you all might be sick of me talking to you about all this IUD stuff and the baby wishes but I just cant get over it all. I need some spice to wake this body of mine up. Cause at this point not having sex will definitely not make me a baby. But its not just that either. I want that connection with my husband. I want all that comes with having sex I just don't know how to get myself out of this mirena crush.

So mommas if you have any tips to build up my sex drive naturally or any advise I am all ears. I am also going to see a doctor but until then I need something to kick me into high gear because this momma is going crazy and I can just imagine what Cody is going through.

Hello New Year

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When December 21 rolled around I was secretly hoping that the world would end. Not end in the since of it not being here anymore but that all the responsibilities would magically disappear. Like the idea of having a job would no longer be required. Where some how the world would reset and living off the land would be more important then living with all the corporate bull shit I deal with at work.

I saw my self finding a little cabin off in the mountains with Wyatt and Cody and we would be there together sitting next to a warm fireplace that was burning because of the hard work we did together gathering the firewood. I saw myself in a kitchen cooking while Wyatt sat on the rug placed on the the woodened floors playing with blocks as Cody sat in his recliner reading because that was all that we could do to entertain ourselves.

And when December 22 came. I was disappointed.  Disappointed, that I would still have to report to work that day. That I would leave my home where my child was and where the husband was sleeping to go to place that matter nothing to me.

A place that required me to put on a happy face and push paperwork and input data that meant nothing outside of my office walls and all the while it took me away from my happy. My family, my child, my art, my photography, my soul.

So this year, I am going to find my happy again.

My goals are to find away to not work but still be able to take care of my family. I want to write more, draw and maybe start painting again. I want to rediscover the joy of photography with my big girl camera. I want to take trips with friends. I want to discover places I have never seen locally and non locally. I want to hold a squishy baby that is mine, I want to see how Wyatt would be as a big brother and I want to cuddle with my husband more.

I am determined to find my happy again and I think it starts with quitting my job.