look a little closer.

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When I look a little closer I found that I was indeed happy that it happened. I finally got some clarity to what was happening to me and why I kept feeling this dark cloud hang over me. I use to pride myself for being the happy go lucky one. The one who could brighten any room just by walking in it.
I would question why people would feel the way they did. It boggled my mind that depression could seep in with out any notice and with out any question.

But I did question mine. I did wonder why it was happening to me. Why I was allowing it to get to me. I was the strong one, I was the one who could always over come, I was never weak, I was never the victim, I was never.
But the past month or so I found myself surrounded by that dark circle and I couldn't grasp onto the happy I had.  My mind wandered to the grey area and allowed no color to come. The things I loved to turned into the things I dreaded. I wished to sleep, to be distracted from life. I wish to not be bothered.

I have talked here before about the need to have a baby and the struggles of not getting one yet. After I had Wyatt, I decided to get the mirena iud. I had my mirena for about 4 years with no problems but also no period. I did not bleed the entire 4 years I had it. No spotting, nothing. I also never went to another doctor appointment.
So when I went to get it out I was a little panic-y. I thought for sure that something went wrong. That it wasn't there or that it was lodge in so deep that it would hinder me from having another kid. But when the doctor removed it, he said everything looked good and to come back to him when I was pregnant. He didn't tell me what would happen after getting the mirena out. He didn't warn me.

I would say that night after I had my mirena removed and still to this day I went from happy and content to dark deep depression. I couldn't sleep, I had no appetite, no sex drive (all though I forced my self to have sex because that's how babies are made.) I cried at everything, I was extremely hot, sweaty, then super cold. I would get mad for no reason, my emotions were every which way, and my body would show signs of early pregnancy. Sore breast, no period, nausea, lower back pain, super tired, craving food etc.

I would take test after test to lead only to not being pregnant. Which crushed me each time.
Then December 1st came and so did my period. The amount of relief I felt was and still is too much to put into words. Finally I was normal. I was still working. I had a starting point.
The first day of my period was heavy abnormally heavy. I would soak up a heavy tampon within 15 minutes. It was so heavy and hurt so bad that I started to worry that it was abnormal. I become dizzy and light headed because of the shear amount of blood I was losing all I wanted to do was sleep. That night I started I notice that I was losing clots. some got to be as big a quarter. I first I thought it was a mucus plug and that I was having a miscarriage just because I never had anything like this happen to me before.

I was so worried that I ended up crying in my moms kitchen asking why this was happening to me. I always had normal periods. heavy one day light the others no cramping. But now I was extremely heavy a lot of cramping, clotting, sore everything.

After my mom calmed me down and explained what I already knew I went home a googled “first period after having your mirena taken out.” and I found other blogs talking about “the mirena crash” and heavy periods.
The mirena crash is basically detoxing from the hormones left over after removal. So the times when I was feeling crazy, super depressed, mad at everything, rage that seem to come out of now where, instantly sad, how my body was hurting and confusing me was just that. I am not crazy.

I am mad though that my doctor did not mention anything to me. How could he not tell me about the emotional and physically pain I would go through and still am going through. I wish that I was informed about this before I got the mirena because I don't think I would have gotten it. I mean according to these blogs it could take up to a year to get pregnant. If I would have know all that I wouldn't have kept it in as long as I did.
So ladies, if you have the mirena and you get it taken out expect to feel out of control emotionally. expect to have crazy unheard of types of periods, a ton of clotting and pain everywhere and know that you are not crazy you are just detoxing.
I will be making an appointment with my doctor if I don't get pregnant after this period is over. I read that some women don't ovulate for awhile too and that your doctor can boost it into gear so that is what I am planning because I don't want to wait a year for a baby.
I want one as of yesterday.

Well hello December.

Well hello December,

Hello Christmas, Hello lights, Hello hot chocolate, Hello Christmas carols, Hello winter wonderlands, Hello presents, Hello wool socks, Hello family gatherings, Hello Christmas trees, Hello holding hands, Hello Santa, Hello extra blankets, Hello stockings.

Hello Christmas cookies, Hello snow, Hello sledding, Hello warm fireplaces, Hello scarfs and sweaters, Hello Christmas joy… Hello, oh hello December. How we've waited for you.

3 minutes of waiting and hoping

My Husband doesn't share the same heartbreak that I do when it comes down to me not being pregnant yet. He laughs and makes some stupid comment while rolling his eyes. But I have pretty much cried all day about it.

Mainly because I really thought I was.

I knew instantly when I got pregnant with Wyatt. Literally, I went to bed that night had a very vivid dream about him. My mom was holding him and another brown haired baby in her lap and when I walked up to her she handed me a blonde hair 3 or 4 month old and said “Here Audrey, take your son.” I woke up and knew that I would be having a boy. Never doubt it.

(For a while I thought I was going to have twins because of the other baby my mom was holding but it turns out that it was my brothers son who is a few weeks older than Wyatt.)

Well for the passed couple of days I have being having dreams about 2 babies. One boy, one I am pretty sure is a girl but I cant quite tell yet. They are in a crib that's in Cody and I’s bed room they are crying. I hear them while I am laying in our bed and I get up and start to walk toward the crib but by the time I finally get to them I wake up.

Not only am I having dreams now, I also am having some symptoms. Like I have being tired a lot. Not just because I have been working crazy hours but like I cant grasp what is on my mind, I am forgetful and cant focus until I take a nap. I also having been eating in the morning more and craving breakfast all day. crying all the time and still no period but what I thought sealed the deal was how tender my boobs have been.

I feel like they have grown a whole cup size in the last couple of days and it hurts to wear a bra but even more so when I take it off. I cant brush by them with out it hurting.

Right, I have some symptoms. or I am just crazy?

So I finally decided that I was going to take another test. I even got one that clearly states pregnant or not pregnant just in case.

Well… 3 minutes of waiting and hoping

I was deny once again.

It was a big not pregnant

and I cried by self on the toilet.

I know I know, it could be too early to tell by those test and I know that with out really knowing when I am actually suppose to have a period that it could cause it to not show either. So I am going to wait a few more days or 3 as the insert in the test states and try again. And if it still shows that I am not pregnant I think I am going to make an appointment with the doctor to either see if 1. I am or 2. why I am not yet and why I haven't had a period yet either.

Ugh.

Why cant my baby come already?

My Mom’s homemade pie crust recipe.

My mom’s homemade pie crust.

1 c flour

1 c shortening

1 t salt 1/3 c cold milk

1 T vinegar

mix all together then chill for 1 hour

roll it out and bake at 425 degrees for 15 minutes.

(you might need to double it for the top crust. I do just because I like a thicker crust.)

and I mummer…

I'm there. I am to the point where the stress is stuck deep in my chest and its not leaving. The anxiety is bursting its way down my arms and I can feel it shaking its way out of the tips of my fingers and I could literally grab onto something and not let go and squeeze until it feels the same stress I do.

I think that might be the only way for it to go away.

When I sit and close my eyes and try to find the source of it all I feel is it bubbling up in my throat and I mummer… work, husband, deadlines, lies, the lack of me time, bills, money, life, husband, work, dirty dishes… the mundane.

I have said it and I will say it again, I need an adventure. I need the surprise up and go, drive until we cant drive anymore, no plans, wind in my hair, wild nights, freedom. I need freedom.

Feather boa turkey wreath

Hey guys, with Thanksgiving just around the corner I thought I would share an easy DIY feather boa turkey wreath that takes less than 10 minutes to make.

(formally posted on my old blog The Daily Wyatt.)

First you will need to gather the supplies.

• 1 Styrofoam wreath
• 2 small Styrofoam balls
• 1 Styrofoam triangle
• brown glitter
• brown and yellow paint
• toothpicks
• glue
• 1 red foam paper
• googly eyes
• 2 multicolour feather boas.

Once you gather all of those you need to paint your the bottom half of the foam wreath brown and then douse it in the brown glitter also paint the triangle yellow. (you could add glitter to this too if you like)

::let dry::

Then wrap the feather boas around the top half, attach the googly eyes to the foam balls with glue then attach a toothpick to the bottom of each eye and place it on the bottom half of the wreath.

Cut out a gobble using the red foam paper and glue it to the yellow triangle.

::let dry::

Attach a toothpick on the bottom of the yellow triangle and place it to the bottom half of the wreath under the eyes.

Hang, and enjoy.

Now wasn't that Easy?

I sleep with the TV on

Its 4:30 in the morning and I have heart burn. Which as led me to wake up and not be able to go back to sleep. I have gotten out of bed about ten times now to get a glass of water. I manage to stumble through the dark to get to the kitchen with kipper the dog following each of my steps and as I return to my room. I question why I don’t just bring the glass of water with me so I don’t have to find my self in the kitchen again.

I have had a lot on my mind lately so I sleep with the TV on to drown out the thoughts late a night. I guess it didn’t work tonight.

I am again grasping the idea of staying home more. I even told Cody that I want to do it after the seasonal season is done. I have started to picture what it will be like to stay home again. I even stare at my office wall and think how great it will be to just worry about the laundry and then I panic.

I started to think about revamping my photography business if I stay home. I get so pissed when I see other succeed at it because I know that I am that good if not better than them. I started to have the talks with Cody again about how I could accomplish it and what I would do differently. Which surprisingly enough he agrees with it and that makes me panic more.

I am still struggling with the not being pregnant thing. I see every one else’s baby bumps and I am pissed I don’t have one yet. I know its only being about two months and I know that I shouldn’t feel the way I do but I just cant help it.

Like yesterday, I about practically ran to the bathroom at work because I felt like a started my period and I was going to freak out if I did. I didn’t, but I still don’t feel pregnant and I am still not sure when I actually am suppose to have my period because I haven't had one for like 5 years and I cant remember if it was at the beginning of the month, the middle or the end. All I know is that I am not pregnant.

Tonight, when Cody and I were talking in the car Wyatt told us that if he has a sister that he is not going to share anything with her because she is suppose to be a brother. He doesn’t like sisters. Which made me laugh because if I have a girl I am not sure how he is going to react.

Oh, and can I say how much more pressure I now have to get pregnant because of Wyatt. He talks about it all the time with me.

Sunday, was my birthday if you didn’t know, but it didn’t feel like it. This is the first year in my entire life that I could say that if I didn’t have the celebrations I did have that I would have not recognized that it was my birthday and that made me feel old. The magic was gone this year. Does that happen to you? Maybe I am being overly dramatic about it but I still feel like I even have a birthday this year.

I am not quite sure where I am going with this post and I guess I will end on the note that I again have to go back to the kitchen to get my glass of water I left there and hopefully I can fall back asleep before the rest of the house wakes up which I bet wont happen.

Don't be a party-pooper.

People! I am going to be twenty seven on Sunday. TWENTY SEVEN!! OMG! All I can think about is how I am almost 30. That's so crazy, I literally feel like I am just turning 18 moving out on my own, dating the man I am going to marry, and just starting college.

 

Now, I am a married home owner with a 4 year old hoping to get pregnant and debating on staying home and being a full time mamma who has never used her college degree.

Crazy. Just crazy.

 

Isn't it strange how life turns out completely different from what you thought it would be like as a kid.

I was going to be an actress, living in New York, either struggling to become famous or happy to be doing nothing be my art.

 

Man, how wrong was I? Hahaaa...

 

Any-who, tonight Cody and our friends will be heading to SLC to properly celebrate my birthday and I can not wait. It is so needed because this whole Holiday retail season at work is slowly killing me. If I have to hold one more orientation and explain the attendance policy again I might just fall over in die.

Really I just might.

Monster Trails

 

We searched for monsters and found hidden trails. (instagram photos #brooklynwyattday)

Am I choosing an office over my kid?

I have been having the same argument in my mind for a few weeks now and each day I change my opinion because it all comes back to the way I see myself.

Currently I see myself as a very respectable professional person who enjoys her job (most days) and is succeeding at it. I also see myself as an amazing mother who would do anything for her child and a wife who would love to be there more for my family.

I cant seem to find that balance between the two. When I am at home, I wish that I was at home more and I fill my mind with the possibility of doing just that. I then tend to think about how I could blog more, coupon, make home made meals, clean and have that time to spend teaching my kids. We’d fill the house with craft projects and dance parties.

When I am at work, I think about how much better I could be there. My office fills up with paperwork needing to be organized, problems to be solved, I laugh with my co-workers and have the since of control of being one of the bosses that I couldn’t see me doing anything else at work.

So then it leaves me with the same stupid argument. Where am I needed more? Where is my time suppose to be? At home where I am there 100% dealing with the every day needs of the family. Or am I suppose to be at work bringing in the extra cash to help provide for the time I could have with Wyatt? Am I being selfish because I like my time work?

What is a stay at home mom? Why is that better then a working one? and why cant I figure out what is best? And why does it have to be where I feel like I have to choose?

I then have a conversation with Cody and he tells me to work part time, just weekends and be here during the week. I then think, oh how great an idea that would be!! I could have both. Then, I go to work and sit in my office and think… I couldn’t go back to just a regular associate. Then I feel like shit because I am choosing myself before my family. I am choosing an office over my kid or am I?

I think, I am scared to loose the since of who I am. I am scared to take that step of being home. Being that label of a home maker. I am scared that I would regret it and that I would have to start over professionally.

I am scared that if I step down at work that I am also giving my control away. I would have to rely on Cody more. I would have to give the control to him finically. I am scared that I would be giving up my happiness or am I?

Are you a stay at home mom?  A part time working mom? A full time working mom? Why are you? Why is one better than the other? or is it? or how do you deal with the balance between the two? and what do you think I should do?

Sparkle Thanksgiving Turkey Center Piece

Hey guys! Each month my family has a craft day and this month I decided to try and create something from scratch and it turned out better than I thought it would so why not share it with you!

Okay so this is how to make a Sparkle Tommy Turkey Centrepiece in 10 easy steps.

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Supplies needed:
8-9 Glitter feathers (found at Michael's Craft store)
1 Styrofoam ball
2 Small Styrofoam balls
1 Small Styrofoam triangle
2 Googly eyes
Brown Glitter
Brown paint
Paint brushes
Styrofoam glue
1 red foam paper
not pictured: 3 Tooth picks and 1 sharp knife.

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Step one: Cut the bottom of the Styrofoam ball so it stands with out rolling.

Step two: Paint Styrofoam ball complete brown

Step three: Dowse painted ball in brown glitter.  ::let dry::

Step four: Add feathers to the back half of the ball.

Step five: Cut small balls in half and glue googly eyes on each ball. (I picture 2 small balls but you only need one since it looks better cut in half.)

Step six: Attach eyes to ball using a tooth pick

Step seven: Paint the Styrofoam triangle yellow and dowse in glitter.  ::let dry::

Step eight: attach triangle to the ball under the eyes using a tooth pick.

Step nine: Cut a gobbler out of the red foam paper. Paint it red and dowse glitter on it ::let dry::

Step ten: Attach it to the Styrofoam triangle using tooth picks cutting any excess off.

Display and Enjoy!

(formally posted on my old blog The Daily Wyatt.)

So we’re trying to get pregnant.

About a month or so go and after much convincing I finally got Cody to say yes to the whole “lets have another kid” idea. I did the whole doctor check up, got my Marina out and well we are not pregnant yet and I am freaking out.

I remember last time that when we started it only took less than a few weeks and bam I was pregnant. Now, any weird feeling I get I think that its my body telling me I am pregnant. Do I feel sick in the morning yet? This boob feels weird not the other one does that make me pregnant? When is my period again? etc. etc. etc.… and I know I am just freaking my self out because I want it so bad and I am worried that I wont have another one.

And if that was true were I couldn’t have another kid I don’t know what I would do. I try and talk with Cody about what happens if I cant get pregnant. He just tells me to stop being so paranoid and that to give my body time to get pregnant.

But I feel like it’s a huge possibility. I don’t know why but I am so scared that no matter what I do, I wont get pregnant. I don’t want Wyatt to be the only child and I feel like I am a damn good mom and that I should have as many kids as I want and that it should happen when I want it too.

Okay, so I might be paranoid but isn't that normal?

Pumpkin Patch 2012

Every year we go to the pumpkin patch after Wyatt’s birthday party and pick our pumpkin.