I sleep with the TV on

Its 4:30 in the morning and I have heart burn. Which as led me to wake up and not be able to go back to sleep. I have gotten out of bed about ten times now to get a glass of water. I manage to stumble through the dark to get to the kitchen with kipper the dog following each of my steps and as I return to my room. I question why I don’t just bring the glass of water with me so I don’t have to find my self in the kitchen again.

I have had a lot on my mind lately so I sleep with the TV on to drown out the thoughts late a night. I guess it didn’t work tonight.

I am again grasping the idea of staying home more. I even told Cody that I want to do it after the seasonal season is done. I have started to picture what it will be like to stay home again. I even stare at my office wall and think how great it will be to just worry about the laundry and then I panic.

I started to think about revamping my photography business if I stay home. I get so pissed when I see other succeed at it because I know that I am that good if not better than them. I started to have the talks with Cody again about how I could accomplish it and what I would do differently. Which surprisingly enough he agrees with it and that makes me panic more.

I am still struggling with the not being pregnant thing. I see every one else’s baby bumps and I am pissed I don’t have one yet. I know its only being about two months and I know that I shouldn’t feel the way I do but I just cant help it.

Like yesterday, I about practically ran to the bathroom at work because I felt like a started my period and I was going to freak out if I did. I didn’t, but I still don’t feel pregnant and I am still not sure when I actually am suppose to have my period because I haven't had one for like 5 years and I cant remember if it was at the beginning of the month, the middle or the end. All I know is that I am not pregnant.

Tonight, when Cody and I were talking in the car Wyatt told us that if he has a sister that he is not going to share anything with her because she is suppose to be a brother. He doesn’t like sisters. Which made me laugh because if I have a girl I am not sure how he is going to react.

Oh, and can I say how much more pressure I now have to get pregnant because of Wyatt. He talks about it all the time with me.

Sunday, was my birthday if you didn’t know, but it didn’t feel like it. This is the first year in my entire life that I could say that if I didn’t have the celebrations I did have that I would have not recognized that it was my birthday and that made me feel old. The magic was gone this year. Does that happen to you? Maybe I am being overly dramatic about it but I still feel like I even have a birthday this year.

I am not quite sure where I am going with this post and I guess I will end on the note that I again have to go back to the kitchen to get my glass of water I left there and hopefully I can fall back asleep before the rest of the house wakes up which I bet wont happen.