SO WHAT!

I'm currently at work, trying to do some online training that they have us do every month and I am behind because well I just don’t get the time to do this training that really only half of the stuff pertains to me. I am bored, hungry and content. Can I be all those things at once? I guess I can since I am.

I am bored because this training is rather dull and says the same stuff over and over. I am super hungry and I want a Panini from the store on the other side of the mall but I am too lazy to walk there and get it. I am content because I finally said out loud for the first time since the Big News was dropped on me at work that I did not want to take another management role here and that staying in the office as a regular old associate was fine with me. And you know what, it is.

I pictured myself yesterday at home with my kiddos. Watching them grow. I saw me organizing the kitchen pantry and cooking meals with babies at my feet. I saw early morning cartoon watching and walks to the parks. I saw summer in all its glory. The heat, the popsicles, us swimming in the pool and I was happy.

I was happy because I get to have those moments. I get to not stress about what corporate person will be coming to check the store, I don’t have to stress over who I have to fire this week, or who I get to write up. I wont have to stress over the other managers not being ethical, and by god I wont have to babysit adults anymore.

What that means for me is shorter hours at work and longer days with my kids. That means that I get to do the minimal office stuff and still get to enjoy being out of the mommy role for awhile so I do not loose my sanity but I will be able to easily get back into my mom groove at home because I wont be as tired as I am now when I get home.

What that means for me, is more of the happy I crave and less of the stress I desired.

This internal struggle I have been having has brought a lot to my eyes. I believe it was meant for me to have this happen so I could get the grasp back onto my reality. That my kids, will only be kids so long. That I really don’t want the grandparents to experience Gunner’s firsts. That I want to be there like I was with Wyatt. And if that takes me to stop my career step climbing for now than it does and you know what so what. SO WHAT. I can work my ass off again when my kids are grown and I can find a place in the job world again if I want and I know I will rock it then just like I have been now.

But I, I get to rock at being a mom and that my friends is harder and more of challenge for me then any old corporate office because I have to answer to myself. And I can be a tuff boss.

A plan I never intended to make.

You know what's hard? Making a choice that you never intended to make. A choice that others have already planned for you and their exceptions do not necessarily meet yours. And then your there stuck in the middle panicking and changing your mind each day wondering what the hell you got yourself into not wanting to disappoint either party but hoping that you make the right choice for yourself.

I go to work each day and each day my bosses tell me what they see for me in the future of the company. Its all laid out there for me. They already have it planned, when I’ll start this new roll and what my responsibility's will be and they tell me how successful I’ll be and then I’ll go home and Cody has it all laid out and planned there for me also. He sees me raising our sons, running the house hold and sees me successful there too.

All I see for myself is, nothing. A big old nothing.

Here I am stuck and having this internal struggle within myself. How do I pick? Do I choose the success at my job, at a chance to grow my career? Hopefully more money? Or do I choose more time with my boys which would require me to give up my title, office MY idea of who I am and go back to being “just a mom.” but be there, truly home, I’d get to see all Gunner’s firsts. I could also join the PTA when Wyatt goes to kindergarten this year. I’d be able to be the mom they deserve. A mom I know I can be.

and just when I feel like I know what I want, something changes my mind in a plan I never intended to make.

Insert panic. Insert a shitload of panic.

While I was on maternity leave I realized something about myself. I realized that I needed a job, a place to go and be fulfilled. A place that had goals that I would need to be successful at daily and then ultimately be rewarded when I met those goals. I needed a place that was just mine. A place that when I was successful it was because of my efforts and you could clearly see that it was. I needed a place that I felt like I had control of.

Motherhood, don't get me wrong is great. But it isn't all the fulfilment I need. I know when I’m doing a good job at it, and I know when I have opportunity's but its only me knowing those personally with in myself. Of course the reward I get is my children being happy but I need more than that.

I had plan, you know. I had plan that this year I was going to be great at my job. That I was going to be the best. That when I got back into my office it was going to be the best run HR office it has ever been. I reorganized everything, I put all my energy into creating a safe respectful place that my associates could come too.  I started holding training meetings for the associates that where hired while I was out on leave. I got my office assistants on the same page as me. I started to train them in areas that would help them grow and be successful. I hired someone new to spice it up too.

I was doing great at my job. I was on top of everything there. I would go there feel great about what I accomplished and I was happy when I got home and then last week happened.

Last Monday, I went onto a normal conference call. Or so I thought. The call it started out great. Talking about the things we needed to do like train our managers in new areas of the HR world. Which I was already doing. Then it turned. They started talking about new HR district openings. Which I was like oh good finally we will have new opportunity's here and then they accidently. Yes, accidently said… “The reason we are opening these positions and due to the fact that we are dissolving the HR role in stores.

WHAT? What what wait what? I thought. You are doing what now?

Then my region manager started to back track and say well we haven't officially released this info and this and that and well we will take questions after the call is over. We did send an email out in September stating that this could be happening. Everyone should have gotten it. Blah blah opps blah blah.

I thought SHIT that was when I had Gunner. That's when I was on leave. I heard nothing about this. NO ONE TOLD ME!!

insert panic. Insert a shitload of panic.

He then opened it up to questions.

“It will happened in the north region first then to here than to here and the west region will be last. Which is where I am. But during that time you all need to train the managers on the job responsibility's you have.” he said. He also said “today in your management meetings you need to be positive when telling your managers the news.” Then he said “you have 3 options. First, you can apply for the disrtict positions. Second, you can get with your store manager and see if they have an opening in store that they can put in. Third, you can take the severance and we appreciate all of your hard work.”

and then he ended the call.

I sat there, stunned in my office with my door close. What the hell am I going to do.

I had 10 minutes before I was to be in my meeting. 10 minutes to get my happy face on. 10 minutes to call Cody and panic.

So I went into my management meeting with a happy face and told them the news and insured them that I will be here to help them in the transition and that we had hopefully until May but it could be sooner. But I will be here I said with panic in my voice. I will be here to teach you my job. (that I will no longer have. I thought.) Don't worry everything will be fine.

And then I went home and cried.

Right now, I still don’t know what I am going to do. My store manager has given my options in store and I thought about applying for the disrtict HR jobs but that involves traveling 75% of my time. I do know, that I will not be taking the severance for a fact. (its shitty anyways.)

I am just pissed. Pissed and sad. I felt like I finally found something I’d do for a long time that works perfect with having a family and now its being taken from me. My control I wanted I no longer have.

What the hell am I going to do?

Someone come rake my leafs.

Seriously, Cause I just raked them yesterday.

Linking to: Parenting by Dummies, Project Alicia, Jenni from the Blog, In The Moment With, The papermama and Live and Love Outloud.plus threeinthree

Learning to let go.

It was midnight when we went to be bed and as we put the thick blankets on our cold bodies I put my arms around you to love you a little harder that night. I watched you today with the kids earlier and I saw that person I knew you could be. You were what I thought was happy. You laughed, cuddle and played with them in away I have not seen and each time you leaned over to kiss the baby my heart jumped and grasped onto more love for you. I found myself with ear to ear smiles and caught myself trying not cry tears of joy that night. This is what I wanted our family to be like. This is the happy I wished for.

It was my birthday yesterday and you sent me flowers at work. It was a surprise, a nice surprise. I’d glance at them sitting on my desk and found myself thinking of you and the boys at home all by yourself for the first time since little Gunny was born. Then I’d smile because I knew you were being that dad I always knew you could be.

I learned over the years that I could not make you realize how great you are. I also learned over the years that you are not like me. When Wyatt was a baby I didn't know that yet and I would be-little you. Demanded that you knew how to take care of him. Demanded that you be this person that you could not be. I demanded a lot back then. This time, I am learning to let go. Learning to allow you to be the person I feel in love with. Learning to let you be a daddy.

It was midnight when we went to bed, but before you pour out your emotions to me that you were trying so hard to hold in. I saw, the happy you pretend you didn’t have. When I looked a crossed the table while we were eating our fast food dinner last night I saw the happy. You were there too. It wasn’t imagined as I watched you laughed when Wyatt slide down the slide in the play area. It wasn’t imagined when I watched you lean over to kiss little Gunny as he squirmed towards you. It wasn’t imagined.

And as we put the thick blankets on, I put my arms around you and you let it all out. Saying nothing, I knew what you thought. I knew your doubts. I knew. But Cody I saw the happy. It was brief, but it was there. You one day will learn to let go as I did. Because you are the dad you never had. You are there in every moment. Even if you are trying hard to keep your fear of failure in. Your kids, Cody will know. They will see your happy. Cody, I know that with out a doubt you are the man I married, the guy I feel in love with regardless of those traits you pretend to hide. You are Cody, a father that our kids adore, the husband that supports, takes care of and loves his demanding wife. You, Cody are an amazing man and I’ll put my arms around you to love you a little harder tonight and every night until you know that you are the person that we already love.

Five things on a Friday

Since its Friday I figured why not share some five on Friday life details with you.

ONE //

I finally got my doctors note too actually return to work so I head in there today for a lovely night shift. Whoopee. (can you since the sarcasm. ) This extra week of maternity leave has been nice though. I did nothing but spend more time with my babies, semi clean my house, burn grill cheese sandwiches and watch a whole lot of TV.

Two //

I turned down a promotion at work which included a raise. Even though I wrote here about how I am a better mom when I work. I didn't think it would be a good idea to spend even less time with them. So I turned it down. It was hard to say no to more money though.

Three //

I will be turning 28 on Monday. TWENTY EIGHT people. I am almost thirty.  That is so strange to me. I can say that I am happy with where I am in life though. I am happy to have 2 kids, married and a career that I enjoy but my god being 28 will be different. I wont even really celebrate my birthday because the normal family party we have for birthdays will be Gunner’s blessing day so we will be celebrating his life more than mine that day. Which really I am okay with.

Four //

I told Cody that I would love to move out of state. I am yearning for a new adventure even though I just had a baby I need some new scenery. I told him we should pack up and move to Oregon. Wouldn’t that be a gorgeous place to live? While he likes the “idea” of it I doubt we will ever make the jump and do it. He’s never lived any where but Utah.

Five //

My mom made Gunners blessing outfit and we started talking about how she should start up an Etsy shop. Because she gots some skills people. So we are currently working towards working together on opening up one for her. She will be specializing in sewing children's clothing. I will be so excited to share it with all of you once we are in the opening stages but until then if you have ideas on what types of kids clothes you like let us know. We would love some ideas!

Lastly here are some crazy instagram photos of my kiddos because no post can end with out some photo love.

 

Maybe you should check his diaper.

You know what pisses me off. That I am the main person who takes care of the kids. Now don’t get me wrong Cody helps out when I make him. But for the most part, I am it. If I died today Cody would be so screwed. I mean he doesn't do baths, he doesn't understand when its time to change a diaper, when to feed the baby and Wyatt would only eat fast food and peanut butter sandwiches. He’d also be lost on how to load a god damn dish washer.

Okay okay, so can you tell I am annoyed. Okay to be real honest I am pissed. First off my work wont let me back due to some paperwork issues so my 1 1/2 days of getting out of the house working just stopped and I am now dealing with trying to get a doctors note to realise me back to work and that sounds harder then it is.

Second, I spent all day with the kids. I had to shuttle Wyatt to preschool, then home make lunch then take him karate and deal with a baby who went from never be able to poop (which I still have that post in my drafts.) to being a crazy over pooper who has complete poop explosions at the wrong time and place plus I have to feed him and my milk is slowly disappearing so yeah that's just a ball of fun right there.

Third, apparently Gunner is not added on to our insurance so now the medical bills are a nightmare. BUT we did add him so now I get to call and fight with our insurance company. whoopee! And to top all of this off all I asked my husband to do today when he got of work was to hold Gunner while I finished dinner. (yes, I was actually cooking a home made meal because I felt like it needed to be done.) So yeah, he held him but when Gun started to fuss he just kept saying “why are you fussy little gun?” and then rock him, bounced him did none of the checking the diaper to see if it needed to be changed or maybe he needed a bottle? Nope he didn't do that even though I said maybe you should check his diaper or he might still be hungry.

Apparently me telling him things like that made him mad because he refused to listen to me because he KNOWS better. He didn't say that he knows better he just literally did not listen because he continued to rock him and come in the kitchen by me to show me he was just rocking him but really he was trying to say with out saying that I should take him because he was crying so I did. And guess what people GUESS WHAT! he had a poopy freakin’ diaper. yep, the kid needed to be changed LIKE I FREAKIN SAID!!!!!!

Men. ::eye roll::

So I am pissed. I slammed the food on his plate and Wyatt’s plate put my plate of food in the microwave to hopefully stay warm then I changed a poopy diaper, fed the babe until he went to sleep. Then I ate in silence. Yep. I was pissed. Still am pissed but Cody got the point because he is currently in Gunners room rocking him back to sleep with Wyatt as they watch a dumb basketball game on the TV and I am here blogging.