Sweating like a pig, feeling like a fox.

So I don’t want to go into full detail yet about the #whole30 I am doing because I want to do weekly wrap up of it at the end of each week. But I do want to say that I have never felt so good about getting healthy. I just completed my first 5k of the year it was pretty brutal. Mostly uphill's and I didn’t run for a month so it was like starting over. But it made me feel awesome! I ran the entire way and passed some little skinnys along the way so that’s always a plus right? ha!

So at the start of the year I mapped out my running schedule and signed up for a bunch of races. I will be doing four more 5ks (including the color run.) 1 mud run, and 2 half marathons. Plus all the training I will have to do to complete those. Plus I signed up for Zumba classes for the entire month of January. Whaaaaatttt?!?! I have been having a great time! I feel amazing!! (besides the sugar detox headaches for the #whole30 more about that later.) 

My lovely new friend Emily the other day posted this on facebook and I feel like it suites my healthy journey so well.

Take a moment to watch it.

Chasing the fog.

:: sometimes you just have to take a spontaneous adventure chasing the fog::

2/52

“A portrait of my kids, once a week, every week in 2015”

Afternoon baths are the best.

Lets not talk about it.

Okay fine we will. But I will throw in a lot of excuses and whining. Which we all know don’t matter but it makes me feel better.

On Monday I was doing good with eating (mind you I don’t start my #whole30 until the 12th so I am just preparing myself.) I had breakfast, cooked a good meal did a lot of chores around the house and felt productive. It was nice. My Zumba class was later in the evening and Cody was on his way home from doing his order at work and he voxered me (best app ever. look it up. Its basically a walkie talkie and its better then calling or texting. its saves our lives seriously. okay not really but it is awesome.) telling me that he was going to pick up some pizza for him and the kids since I will be gone for 90+ minutes doing Zumba and he didn’t have anything to cook him and the kids. (that was unhealthy and that he wants to eat.) Fine, whatever. I said. He came home with 2 pizzas and they began to eat them while I was tying my shoes to head out to Zumba. If you follow my personal Facebook then you read about how jealous I was that they got to eat pizza. 

I cried in the car on the way to Zumba. Over pizza. I want to chock it up to being on my period but I think even if I wasn’t I still would have. I think it hit me, that I was going on the trip down a healthy road all by my self. That those guys at home would be able to eat drink what they want and me, I would be stuck eating veggies. I know that I am doing it for the right reason.  Blah blah blah. but at that moment it sucked being the only one.

My kids cringe when ever I cook healthy meals that have veggies on the plate or stuck in the food I made. They cry or don’t eat it until I get so annoyed that I have to go eat in another room so I don’t see their unhappy faces. My husband, well he just doesn’t eat now. Partly because he is a picky eater and the other part is that he never really likes to eat anyway. Some days I have to force him too.

I got home from Zumba feeling pumped because I felt good that I didn’t cave and didn’t eat a slice of pizza. I ate my left over meat ball soup it was delicious. But then morning came.

Cody was at work and that box of left over pizza was in the fridge and I cooked it up for the kids and then I ate it too. More like devoured it. Then I drank soda all day, had popcorn all while I was cooking a healthy turkey in my oven to prep my whole 30 meals. It was bad.

I am not mad at myself for eating that pizza but more mad at myself that I didn’t have the self control to not eat it. I saw myself in a light that I never really did before. I saw who I was on the outside. I never considered myself fat, like I get that I am but I never looked at myself like that. I love who I am and I am not doing this journey to be a stick think little woman.

But yesterday, I saw myself as a fat huge person who was gross. I saw all the things I didn’t like about myself and I sat there staring at the person in the mirror. Thinking how I will never be able to loose weight or get back to how I used to be because I have no self control.

It was so bad that when my husband tried to hug me when he got home I said “I don’t even know how you could be attracted to me.” and pulled away.

I went to bed that night and had a nightmare. Not about weight or me but about my kids being murder. I mean it was a dark dark dream. I woke up and thought what the hell Audrey get your shit together.

So I am, again. and I know that I will have to do it again and again. Over and over. But I am going to succeed at this. I am going to become the person I feel I am. Not who I saw in the mirror yesterday, not the person who pulls away from my husband. But the Audrey I know I am.

The Funny, outgoing, HEALTHY women. Even if she’s 100lbs overweight right now because my god she deserves to be love too.

My Relationship with food

I have always been an eater of all things. I love the way that all food tastes. I like the way a simple meal can be turned into a all day event with people surrounding you laughing and loving and eating. I am not one that would pass up on the treats you made or a good cheesy something or other. Or the pasta. I love me some pasta. But what really gets me all wild is some good authentic Mexican food. I could eat a good spice bowl of that or you know what I really love, street tacos. Yep, that’s my all time favorite.

So when I announced to my family that I was going to get on the whole 30 trend. They were like “What?! Why?! You love fooooood!” My husband was the worst too because well he’s seen me at my worst. Binge eating and then crying because I did it. He didn’t think I’d make it. I’ve been on health kicks before but haven't we all. I remember at the start of our marriage he bought me work out clothes a ton of tennis shoes that I wanted and he watched as they sat there collecting dust.

He bought gym memberships after memberships and watched as I gave up a few days, weeks later. He watched as I came home and cried because I just got home from working out with my sister and I couldn’t run up the stairs she wanted me too.

He would comfort me. Take me out to a nice place to eat because he knew that would make me happy again. He has seen me at my worst.

So when he came home one day and I told him that I was going to get healthy again. He just passed it off. He passed it off when I shuttled him around to a different gym each week trying them out to find the best one. He passed it off when I bought work out clothes again. He passed it off when I went out running and was a little annoyed that I did. He passed it all off because he thought I’d give up like I did before.

He started to notice when I stopped binge eating. When I wanted to cook meals instead of going out. When I actually used the veggies I begged him to bring home with him from work. He started to notice when I kept running leaving him with the kids at night. He started to notice when I run a 5k. He started to notice when he bought me 2 pant sizes smaller in clothes. He noticed when he waited for me at the finish line at my half marathon and I ran into his arms and sobbed.

My relationship with food has always been more then the food part. It has been about the me part. The part where I judged myself, where I didn’t like who I was. The part where I believe that I wasn’t strong enough. That being unhealthy was fine, easier and acceptable.

The Whole 30 program for me is not a diet. It’s a kick start for me. It going to help me understand what food actually means and does to me personally. It will help me build a better relationship with my food. Give me to ability to still eat food I love but just in a healthier way.

I have already tried to pre start it not being so strict every day (but I have gone 2 weeks straight) so I will be ready and I already noticed the difference when I eat whole compared to eating processed foods. I already know that when I ate grains I become instantly grumpy and mean and then crash into a sleepy slumber mood. When I drink soda I get a cold the next day. Like I get a itchy sore throat and running nose. Cheese my favorite thing ever, gives me headache.

So it’ll be interesting to see if I can stick to a strict 30 day of no sugar, grains, dairy and legumes. If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would be a path to eating healthy food aka veggies and running half marathons (and training for more.) I would have thought you were crazy.

It just takes one day to believe in yourself and to work hard for more then a few weeks to see that it is all worth it. All of it.

Here is to getting healthy this year.

(If you want to join me on the whole 30 program I am starting on January 12th with a bunch of internet friends at Team Whole on instagram.)

1/52

“A portrait of my kids, once a week, every week in 2015”

Shopping at daddy's work (hence the free donuts they chow down on)  as we pick up some ice cream for the dessert we made for the big New Year’s get together we had at daddy’s bosses house.

January Goals

So with me wanting to accomplish a lot this year. I determined that I needed to make a list of goals that I want to complete each month. Each month I am going to take the time to write down 10 goals to complete and then at the end of the month I will revisit them and see how I did. Kind of like the Weekly Wishes that my friend Holly did a lot last year. I am just not sure I can do it weekly. Maybe soon I will be able too, HA!

Alrighty, here they are in no certain order….

1. Move a good amount of posts from the old blog to here.
2. Complete the first round of T25 with out skipping a day.
3. Start and post weekly about the #whole30 program. (officially starting on the 12th)
4. Start and complete the first month of my 52 week photo project.
5. Go to Zumba 1-2 times a week.
6. Go to bed on/before 10pm, 3 times a week.
7. Go on a date with the hubby.
8. Do something in my husbands love language out of the blue.
9. Spend one whole day internet/screen free with the kids.
10. Start a book.

If you are going to jot down some monthly goals. I loved to hear about them! Leave me  a comment.