Look at little Gunner when he was a fresh little baby. So tiny and squishy with his yellow skinned sunglasses from the billy light bed for his jaundice and his hair, his dark full head of hair. I already miss his little newborn baby face and little newborn fingers and his toes.
To read his full birth story go here.
If you walked into my home today unannounced you would walk into a mess. Right now just in my living room my computer desk is covered with bills that have been unopened and you wouldn’t be able to sit on the computer chair because it is filled with jackets that have yet to be hung. You’d also scan over to the bookcases that are filled with random toys that Wyatt hasn’t put away even though I have asked him more than once to do so. Then if you walked into my room you’d see a bunch of clothes all over the floor and you don’t want to see what the master bathroom looks like. Lets just say It’s a disaster and move on. I could go on but I’ll spare you.
Why I am telling you all this? Because even though I have myself together at work. At home, it’s a different story. My husband tends to treat me like I am a stay at home mom even though him and I work the same amount. In his reality, I don’t work the same hours as he does so I should be the one who does all the house worthy stuff oh and all the kids stuff too. This tends to be one of our arguments that we cant seem to move on from.
My reality is that we should share it 50/50 but most time I get 90/10 of out him.
Cody claims that he has two jobs and yes he “does” but one of those jobs is a paper route early in the morning that his mom helps with. So he has to get up for an hour and half early in the morning and deliver papers every day but he doesn’t get up fold them or put the rubber band on or does it all by himself. All he does is wake up ONCE early in the morning and delivers them with his mom.
And yes he does work at his regular job which he works hard at and his really good at too and yes its in a retail grocery store which means that you do a lot with out a lot of people, hours or support.
But I do too.
I get up early in the morning too. More than once most times and I work at a retail store too. So for him to say that he does more just makes me want to punch him in the face because my god on the working front we do the same plus I do all the baths, all the cooking, all the bills, all the cleaning and guess what since we bought a house I do ALL THE YARD WORK TOO.
So you tell me who works harder? Him or me? and its not that I want to compare its that I want to make it clear that we are in this together. Him and I, Him doing housework me doing housework, Him dealing with the kids me dealing with the kids, Him dealing with the yard work me dealing with the yard work. 50/50
And when I finally decided that I cant do it all and still do me. I give up. I focus on myself and the kids and my job and then you see the house decline and the yard work pile up and the bills stay unpaid and that’s when he seems to notice and that’s when we get into a fight like we did last night.
Last week Cody bought popcorn at one the of the REAL soccer games and brought the bag home. Which this said bag ended up everywhere in the house. It would move from one room to the other and then finally yesterday it ended up in the garbage. Because god damn it I couldn’t take another thing in the wrong place anymore especially since no one was eating it.
so I thought. So I threw it away.
Cody got off early after a long meeting he had in SLC and picked him self up food because he doesn’t eat what I cook ever. So when he got home all he wanted to do was sit down and eat because he hasn’t eaten all day (even though the meeting had food there he didn’t eat it because he is a picky god damn eater. not my fault or theirs just his.) This didn’t happen how he wanted.
I got back home the same time he did but instead of work that day I was dealing with transporting the kids from preschool, doctor appointments, karate and a pharmacy visit with very little sleep I had the night before due to my sick kids plus I did laundry and the dishes cook breakfast and lunch and was about to cook dinner.
Since he was home I did what he does to me which is expect him to help out. So the baby was fussing and it was past dinner time and I had yet to cook anything I handed him the baby and went into the kitchen to cook dinner. Some how in there I cant remember he had to get up from his fast food to get something. I am unsure what but when he did the puppy jumped up on the couch and ate his hamburger.
This lead to yelling at the dog and looking for the popcorn I threw away earlier in the day. When he found it in the garbage he started to demand to me why I did that. Which I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore. He then put the baby down on the floor while he dug it out of the can (it was still in the bag but covered in a ton of food.) Gunner being sick didn’t want to be on the ground he wanted to be held and he has yet to eat a bottle or dinner so he was extra fussy he started crying. This lead to me suggesting that maybe he should pick him up and maybe get him something to eat.
Well all hell broke loose because of that suggestion. He started yelling at me about how he has been at work all day and he is tired hasn’t eaten blah blah blah. so then I yelled and said oh really really you do soooooo much and I flipped. FLIPPED to the point that a threw something at Cody grabbed the baby put him in the high chair grabbed some finger food for him to eat all the while cooking dinner and dealing with Wyatt who is “staaarving mom”.
So I went off even more and yelled about how he does nothing that all he does is sit in front of the TV and that Wyatt hasn’t had a bath for a week because he doesn’t ever give him one before he puts him to bed because that’s my job but I am too busy trying to sooth a sick baby who has his first ear infection who all he wants to be held all day long and never sleep at night.
He claims that he does help out and I say really then prove it. Prove it! do it with out me asking you too or suggesting that you do it and then I stopped talking finished cooking the meal and he finally gets up and starts to feed the baby and Wyatt dinner which leads to him later bathing Wyatt for the the first time ever on his own.
and I go in the other room and eat my dinner and make a conscious decision that I am not going to baby him anymore that I am going to treat him like the adult that he is and I am going to expect that he puts in 50/50 effort with me in taking care of this household because as a working mother I am not a single mother and I am no longer going to act like one.
Today I am creating a daily routine check off list for the entire family. That has a job for everyone on it to take care of so its not just me doing everything. It will work even if it kills me.
and that my friends is the end of my rant.
When I found out in January that my position at work was become obsolete I learned that I had make a tuff choice. I could accept a new position in the store, leave and take the severance or stay in the office. I went back and in forth a lot. I wanted to stay in the office but then I still wanted the title of a manager that I worked so hard for. But then Cody said that I should stay home more, be there for the kids more. Then I ‘d go to work and my store manager would say how I could take this position and get a raise which could possible put my on the fast track to becoming an assistant store manager one day.
I had way to many options and I didn’t want to take any of them.
I was hurt, pissed I didn’t care and I didn’t want to care. I just wanted what was comfortable. I wanted my four walls, my desk, my same responsibilities my office. I didn’t want the change, I didn’t ask for it.
Weeks went by and I began to listen to Cody more and more about staying home and keeping the office job as an associate. I started to believe him. I started picturing my self at home with the kids making pies and playing outside. I saw me getting up early and getting off earlier and be there. I thought about how I could join the PTA at Wyatt's kindergarten next year how I could become friends with the other mothers.
So I turned down job after job that they offered me. I turned down the raise. I turned it all down but each time I did I thought my god did I do the right thing.
Then months went by and I started to get more information about the transition. They started to release the hours that the office would have. What the responsibilities would be and it was no where what I wanted to do. It was basic with barely any hours and if I stayed my office assistants would not have their jobs.
Then I would sit in the management meetings and think do I really want to give this up? I like being in the “know” I like being in charge of something. I like having the ability to delegate. I like it all.
So then they asked me again, and I thought only about what I wanted. I didn’t think about the kids, or the husband or what my boss thought. It was all me and with out hesitation I said yes. I accepted the job as the Lead Soft lines Merchandiser.
Saturday I packed up my office and turned in my keys and then Sunday I started the new job and the whole day I thought why didn’t I do this months ago. I would have saved my self a ton of headaches.
Instead of dealing with emotionally draining problems and people day after day I get to set up displays, reorganized items and I am up and moving all day long. I feel accomplished by the end of the day.
Sore but accomplished.
Did anyone ever tell you that having a puppy is like having a whole another baby? My husband has reminded me a lot lately that he doesn’t do babies and he sure the hell does not do puppies. Right now he has both. I just laugh and laugh (inside my head because when I really laugh at that remark it doesn’t turn out well.) and roll my eyes and then go pet my cute little puppy.
She has been a little B lately though. We spend hours outside and then right when we get inside she decides that it is a good time to poop in whatever room we are in. So she is surely not winning over the husband right now. But Kipper on the other hand loves her. I have never seen him so alive and smiley. Yes, my dogs smile. I mean look at the pictures you can clearly see that Kipper is happy to have a friend.
Wyatt is enjoying her too until she steals his toys and make them her chew toys, or his shoes, or his socks or just about anything she can stick in her mouth. Gunner also loves the thousand dog licks he gets from her especially the ones that knock him down. And I mean who doesn’t love that. But she’s cute so I guess we will keep her. For now anyway (says the husband)
I dropped the ball on Easter this year and really I have dropped the ball on pretty much all holidays we have had lately. I don’t know what it is but I tend to forget that they are coming until 2 days before and I am like shoot I forgot to color eggs, shoot I forgot to hang all the decorations shoot I forgot to go find a bunny somewhere and take pictures with the kids. Shoot I forgot to get the Easter baskets out of storage. Shoot, I forgot I almost forgot to actually get them stuff from the “bunny.” We almost forgot to put the stuff out from the bunny too. My god, I dropped the ball.
But who cares, they didn’t and its been nice to not have to take decorations down or clean up egg dye on the counters for days. So all we really did for Easter was go to my parents house for a nice ham dinner an egg hunt and a water fight which was perfect. How was yours?
