Insert panic. Insert a shitload of panic.

While I was on maternity leave I realized something about myself. I realized that I needed a job, a place to go and be fulfilled. A place that had goals that I would need to be successful at daily and then ultimately be rewarded when I met those goals. I needed a place that was just mine. A place that when I was successful it was because of my efforts and you could clearly see that it was. I needed a place that I felt like I had control of.

Motherhood, don't get me wrong is great. But it isn't all the fulfilment I need. I know when I’m doing a good job at it, and I know when I have opportunity's but its only me knowing those personally with in myself. Of course the reward I get is my children being happy but I need more than that.

I had plan, you know. I had plan that this year I was going to be great at my job. That I was going to be the best. That when I got back into my office it was going to be the best run HR office it has ever been. I reorganized everything, I put all my energy into creating a safe respectful place that my associates could come too.  I started holding training meetings for the associates that where hired while I was out on leave. I got my office assistants on the same page as me. I started to train them in areas that would help them grow and be successful. I hired someone new to spice it up too.

I was doing great at my job. I was on top of everything there. I would go there feel great about what I accomplished and I was happy when I got home and then last week happened.

Last Monday, I went onto a normal conference call. Or so I thought. The call it started out great. Talking about the things we needed to do like train our managers in new areas of the HR world. Which I was already doing. Then it turned. They started talking about new HR district openings. Which I was like oh good finally we will have new opportunity's here and then they accidently. Yes, accidently said… “The reason we are opening these positions and due to the fact that we are dissolving the HR role in stores.

WHAT? What what wait what? I thought. You are doing what now?

Then my region manager started to back track and say well we haven't officially released this info and this and that and well we will take questions after the call is over. We did send an email out in September stating that this could be happening. Everyone should have gotten it. Blah blah opps blah blah.

I thought SHIT that was when I had Gunner. That's when I was on leave. I heard nothing about this. NO ONE TOLD ME!!

insert panic. Insert a shitload of panic.

He then opened it up to questions.

“It will happened in the north region first then to here than to here and the west region will be last. Which is where I am. But during that time you all need to train the managers on the job responsibility's you have.” he said. He also said “today in your management meetings you need to be positive when telling your managers the news.” Then he said “you have 3 options. First, you can apply for the disrtict positions. Second, you can get with your store manager and see if they have an opening in store that they can put in. Third, you can take the severance and we appreciate all of your hard work.”

and then he ended the call.

I sat there, stunned in my office with my door close. What the hell am I going to do.

I had 10 minutes before I was to be in my meeting. 10 minutes to get my happy face on. 10 minutes to call Cody and panic.

So I went into my management meeting with a happy face and told them the news and insured them that I will be here to help them in the transition and that we had hopefully until May but it could be sooner. But I will be here I said with panic in my voice. I will be here to teach you my job. (that I will no longer have. I thought.) Don't worry everything will be fine.

And then I went home and cried.

Right now, I still don’t know what I am going to do. My store manager has given my options in store and I thought about applying for the disrtict HR jobs but that involves traveling 75% of my time. I do know, that I will not be taking the severance for a fact. (its shitty anyways.)

I am just pissed. Pissed and sad. I felt like I finally found something I’d do for a long time that works perfect with having a family and now its being taken from me. My control I wanted I no longer have.

What the hell am I going to do?

Someone come rake my leafs.

Seriously, Cause I just raked them yesterday.

Linking to: Parenting by Dummies, Project Alicia, Jenni from the Blog, In The Moment With, The papermama and Live and Love Outloud.plus threeinthree

Learning to let go.

It was midnight when we went to be bed and as we put the thick blankets on our cold bodies I put my arms around you to love you a little harder that night. I watched you today with the kids earlier and I saw that person I knew you could be. You were what I thought was happy. You laughed, cuddle and played with them in away I have not seen and each time you leaned over to kiss the baby my heart jumped and grasped onto more love for you. I found myself with ear to ear smiles and caught myself trying not cry tears of joy that night. This is what I wanted our family to be like. This is the happy I wished for.

It was my birthday yesterday and you sent me flowers at work. It was a surprise, a nice surprise. I’d glance at them sitting on my desk and found myself thinking of you and the boys at home all by yourself for the first time since little Gunny was born. Then I’d smile because I knew you were being that dad I always knew you could be.

I learned over the years that I could not make you realize how great you are. I also learned over the years that you are not like me. When Wyatt was a baby I didn't know that yet and I would be-little you. Demanded that you knew how to take care of him. Demanded that you be this person that you could not be. I demanded a lot back then. This time, I am learning to let go. Learning to allow you to be the person I feel in love with. Learning to let you be a daddy.

It was midnight when we went to bed, but before you pour out your emotions to me that you were trying so hard to hold in. I saw, the happy you pretend you didn’t have. When I looked a crossed the table while we were eating our fast food dinner last night I saw the happy. You were there too. It wasn’t imagined as I watched you laughed when Wyatt slide down the slide in the play area. It wasn’t imagined when I watched you lean over to kiss little Gunny as he squirmed towards you. It wasn’t imagined.

And as we put the thick blankets on, I put my arms around you and you let it all out. Saying nothing, I knew what you thought. I knew your doubts. I knew. But Cody I saw the happy. It was brief, but it was there. You one day will learn to let go as I did. Because you are the dad you never had. You are there in every moment. Even if you are trying hard to keep your fear of failure in. Your kids, Cody will know. They will see your happy. Cody, I know that with out a doubt you are the man I married, the guy I feel in love with regardless of those traits you pretend to hide. You are Cody, a father that our kids adore, the husband that supports, takes care of and loves his demanding wife. You, Cody are an amazing man and I’ll put my arms around you to love you a little harder tonight and every night until you know that you are the person that we already love.

Five things on a Friday

Since its Friday I figured why not share some five on Friday life details with you.

ONE //

I finally got my doctors note too actually return to work so I head in there today for a lovely night shift. Whoopee. (can you since the sarcasm. ) This extra week of maternity leave has been nice though. I did nothing but spend more time with my babies, semi clean my house, burn grill cheese sandwiches and watch a whole lot of TV.

Two //

I turned down a promotion at work which included a raise. Even though I wrote here about how I am a better mom when I work. I didn't think it would be a good idea to spend even less time with them. So I turned it down. It was hard to say no to more money though.

Three //

I will be turning 28 on Monday. TWENTY EIGHT people. I am almost thirty.  That is so strange to me. I can say that I am happy with where I am in life though. I am happy to have 2 kids, married and a career that I enjoy but my god being 28 will be different. I wont even really celebrate my birthday because the normal family party we have for birthdays will be Gunner’s blessing day so we will be celebrating his life more than mine that day. Which really I am okay with.

Four //

I told Cody that I would love to move out of state. I am yearning for a new adventure even though I just had a baby I need some new scenery. I told him we should pack up and move to Oregon. Wouldn’t that be a gorgeous place to live? While he likes the “idea” of it I doubt we will ever make the jump and do it. He’s never lived any where but Utah.

Five //

My mom made Gunners blessing outfit and we started talking about how she should start up an Etsy shop. Because she gots some skills people. So we are currently working towards working together on opening up one for her. She will be specializing in sewing children's clothing. I will be so excited to share it with all of you once we are in the opening stages but until then if you have ideas on what types of kids clothes you like let us know. We would love some ideas!

Lastly here are some crazy instagram photos of my kiddos because no post can end with out some photo love.

 

Maybe you should check his diaper.

You know what pisses me off. That I am the main person who takes care of the kids. Now don’t get me wrong Cody helps out when I make him. But for the most part, I am it. If I died today Cody would be so screwed. I mean he doesn't do baths, he doesn't understand when its time to change a diaper, when to feed the baby and Wyatt would only eat fast food and peanut butter sandwiches. He’d also be lost on how to load a god damn dish washer.

Okay okay, so can you tell I am annoyed. Okay to be real honest I am pissed. First off my work wont let me back due to some paperwork issues so my 1 1/2 days of getting out of the house working just stopped and I am now dealing with trying to get a doctors note to realise me back to work and that sounds harder then it is.

Second, I spent all day with the kids. I had to shuttle Wyatt to preschool, then home make lunch then take him karate and deal with a baby who went from never be able to poop (which I still have that post in my drafts.) to being a crazy over pooper who has complete poop explosions at the wrong time and place plus I have to feed him and my milk is slowly disappearing so yeah that's just a ball of fun right there.

Third, apparently Gunner is not added on to our insurance so now the medical bills are a nightmare. BUT we did add him so now I get to call and fight with our insurance company. whoopee! And to top all of this off all I asked my husband to do today when he got of work was to hold Gunner while I finished dinner. (yes, I was actually cooking a home made meal because I felt like it needed to be done.) So yeah, he held him but when Gun started to fuss he just kept saying “why are you fussy little gun?” and then rock him, bounced him did none of the checking the diaper to see if it needed to be changed or maybe he needed a bottle? Nope he didn't do that even though I said maybe you should check his diaper or he might still be hungry.

Apparently me telling him things like that made him mad because he refused to listen to me because he KNOWS better. He didn't say that he knows better he just literally did not listen because he continued to rock him and come in the kitchen by me to show me he was just rocking him but really he was trying to say with out saying that I should take him because he was crying so I did. And guess what people GUESS WHAT! he had a poopy freakin’ diaper. yep, the kid needed to be changed LIKE I FREAKIN SAID!!!!!!

Men. ::eye roll::

So I am pissed. I slammed the food on his plate and Wyatt’s plate put my plate of food in the microwave to hopefully stay warm then I changed a poopy diaper, fed the babe until he went to sleep. Then I ate in silence. Yep. I was pissed. Still am pissed but Cody got the point because he is currently in Gunners room rocking him back to sleep with Wyatt as they watch a dumb basketball game on the TV and I am here blogging.

Zombie Pirate

Wyatt went as Zombie pirate this year for Halloween. See what little baby Gunner went as HERE.

Linking to: Parenting by Dummies, Project Alicia, Jenni from the Blog, In The Moment With, The papermama and Live and Love Outloud.plus threeinthree

I'm a better mom when I work.

The last few days of my maternity leave I was distracted. I wasn't listening to everything that Wyatt was saying to me, the dishes sat lodged in the sink unwashed and still are. The plans I had while I was leave didn't happen and I cooked a family meal maybe twice in the 8 weeks I stayed home. I wasn't the perfect housewife or mother I should be. I could of been, but I just didn't want to be.

The last few days of my leave I imagined what it will be like to be at work while my 2 kids stayed with family members. I thought about the times I would be having a good time laughing with my co-workers and feeling accomplished when I solved a big issue. How people would look up to me, ask for advice, how they would need me.

But on the night before I was to go back to work, I started to panic. I started to question myself as a mother. Why I felt better to be at work and felt more accomplished there then I did at home. I started to think that maybe I should cut hours, go to another part of the store and work less, be home more. Be the mother these kids deserved. I went about it in my head over and over as I rocked baby Gunner back to sleep and then I stopped myself. I told myself that I would go in tomorrow see how it was and then make a choice. So I did.

I got up in the morning, put clothes on did my hair and make up dropped the kids off said goodbye and walked into work.

Sigh,  I felt relief. No guilt. Just relief. I felt important, wanted, needed. I felt like me. I worked and thought of my kids only when I would glance at my desk and see their pictures. I even forced myself to call and check on them knowing all to well that they were fine because I was fine.

When I got off work and picked up the kids I was happy. I was able to finally listen to Wyatt with out being annoyed. I was able to scoop up Gunner and snuggle him with out thinking how I was sick of being the only one holding him. I was happy, they were happy. We went home and stayed happy. 

So in the long run I am a better mom when I work, a better wife, lover because I am happy.  (Just remind me that on those days when work sucks.)