Oh spring, release me from this coiled and constrained position. Move me swiftly into another world where the light is held on by the warmth and the grass tickles our toes and the clouds puff themselves up to show off their soft corners that need to be touched in just away, that air is the only thing that wont break them.
Let the birds sing sweetly, eagerly as they dart to and fro. Let the began take place. Let me rise, extend, birth into this new life where growth is just a matter of time.
“If you dig in and fight the changes, they will smash you to bits. They’ll hold you under, drag you across the rough sand, scare and confuse you. But if you find it within yourself, in the wildest of seasons, just for a moment, to trust in the goodness of God, who made it all and holds it all together, you’ll find yourself drawn along to a whole new place, and there’s truly nothing sweeter. Unclench your fists, unlock your knees and also the door to your heart, take a deep breath, and begin to swim. Begin to let the waves do their work in you.”-Shauna Niequist || bittersweet
“Life can be ridiculously happy and fun, no matter where that life is taking place, or how. Big city or small town, with or without children, married or single, we can be happy.” -Megan Marie|| The Polished Pickle
“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”
- Thomas Merton
*All pictures are linked back to their source. Click & Enjoy*
The other day while Wyatt was in the car with his grandma and dad he threw up his hands and yell “Seriously I need a mommy day. Seriously.” From what I was told he did this a few times through out the day. Which both grandma and dad found funny. Then yesterday while we were out to eat Cody got up from the table and Wyatt looks me in the eyes and states very clearly. “Mom, I just need to spend more time with you.” I then said “well what are we doing right now silly.” “No, mom just me and you. Not daddy. Just you.”
Then it hit me. Here I am battling with the night sickness (yep, that's right it happens at night now.) that this baby is making me have so by the time I get off work I can barely do anything but lay in my bed and hope I am not running to the bathroom to hurl. And there is Wyatt, who has spent all day either with dad or at one of the grandmas while I was at work. The time we get is not the time he wants.
I struggle with this. Not because I don't want to spend time with him but that on the days I do have off they are either filled with errands or the wishes of wanted sleep. Wyatt is also at the age where playing involves a lot of work and attention which I am lacking right now. But as I sat there in front of him on that table I realized that moments with him will be very few and fair between when he is older. And here I am wasting this time.
Why is it that now days the things that people, me included find important are money related. Jobs and the wanting of things. When did it become that way? I go back to the posts I have written about the wanting to quit my job and be home and do things I love like being with Wyatt and art. I use to draw, write, take photos and it brought me joy. Now I am depending on promotions at work to give me that.
I spend more time there then with the family I have created. I have given up the sweet moments I had with Wyatt in the mornings when we played and build forts, castles and painted our faces and laughed. I have given up the nights when Cody and I would sit in the living room next to each other on the couch with the TV off and actually talk. Talk. Like deep conversations of dreams and wishes and the possibility of the the future.
Now, Cody and I speak more of how we can work more, to get more, to do more, to have the house and everything in it. We talk about what we will spend money on next. We talk about work and the stresses of it and the dirt bags we work for and how the more we move up in the companies we work for the more there are giant dirt bags who don't respect family and the fact that we have them.
I dream of work which turns into nightmares and deadlines I forgot or how I will have to fire this person and who’s life's I am affecting. I then I think about how much satisfaction I get from that. Then I think about how awful I am for feeling satisfied. Because they are slowly turning me into one of those dirt bags who don't respect family and the fact that they have them.
I am good at my job, so good in fact that I received a promotion to become a district HR manager in training which I accepted. But why?
Why do I continue to struggle with the ever ending balance between being a mother, wife, my own person and work life. I wish I was strong enough to walk away from it all and dive head first into my passion of photography and the passion I do have for my family and make it all work.
Others have done it couldn't I too?
This post was intended to talk about how I was going to be there for Wyatt more and spend quality time with him so I am sorry it turned into another rant of being a full time working mom. Maybe one day you will read that I quit my job and I finally took the plunge into my actually dreams. Maybe one day it will actually happen.
I didn't grow up being the fat kid or if I did I had no idea and really when I think of myself I don't think of me being fat. I do get that I am “bigger” then other people and to my doctor, I may seem obese but who isn't now days.
I do notice more now that I am pregnant though not because I am disgusted by myself but because I never will get to do those week by week prego pictures that a lot of “normal” soon to bes get to do.
When I was pregnant with Wyatt I remember people saying to me “Oh you don't even look pregnant.” even though I was 6 months a long and when they said that I wanted to punch them in the face. Thanks for calling me fat bitch. But I would smile and say “Oh, thanks you’re too kind” as I would secretly knife throat them and watch them die a slow painful death in my head.
I even got a job at the store I work at now when I was 8 months pregnant and they had no idea. None. I remember during orientation when they go around asking you to tell something about yourself I said I was 8 months pregnant and the shock you should have seen on my then HR Managers face was priceless. Yep, you hired a 8 month pregnant lady. Deal with it. But thank goodness they did because regardless of that I moved up pretty quickly at work and now I am that same HR manager that wonders is that girl just fat or is she pregnant? ha. I just assume they all are and never ask or question it. Who cares anyway right. If they work that's all that matters in the first place.
What I guess I am getting at here is that it sucks being the already fat pregnant girl because by the time people began to notice that you are, you have like 2 weeks left and they’ll tell you, “that you look like your going to pop any day now” and then you will secretly knife throat them and watch them die a slow painful death in your head as you mumble thanks for calling me fat bitch.
I forget I am pregnant until I wake up in the middle of the night to either pee or throw up. This first trimester has about killed me. I do not remember being so fatigued when I was pregnant with Wyatt and I never was nauseous. Ever. I mean don't get me wrong I did throw up but then I’d move on continue to eat what I was eating like it was no big deal but I with this one, I am both. To the extreme. I keep saying I cant wait until the next trimester it will be much better… please god be better then.
My nausea is so bad that I can not stay up past 9pm or I will hurl for a good hour or so. I have not really spent time with my husband because of this and when I close at work it is a miracle that I even make it out of the building with out doubling over. Since I go to bed so early I wake up early just to throw up. Its fantastic!
I have tried everything from the eating crackers, to ginger, to meds from the doctor nothing helps. This kid wants it to be known that it is here and its gonna be an attention thriven, look at me kind of kid. I mean I literally already feel this kid moving and swimming around and I am only 12 weeks.
I believe that this kid is going to have my personality and I fear that it is a girl. Not because I don't want a girl but because I know how I was as a teenager and if this kid is anything like me I got a run for my money.
I know that I have shared on Instagram and Facebook how sick I am and I am now doing it here. But I do want you all to know that I am so happy that I am pregnant and that I can not wait to be a mother again and that if I could go back, I would sooo take on the nausea and fatigue (complaining the whole time probably, but still.) like it was nobody's business again. And when this child comes I will be over the moon and back but to those mothers who have 5, 6 kids my god, how in the hell did you do it? I am grateful that this could be my last pregnancy and at this point I do not see how I could go threw another one. Seriously, how’d ya do it?
Tomorrow I get to go to my next appointment and I am super excited to see the baby again and to possible learn (hopefully) if its a girl or boy. I learned about this time around with Wyatt but I betting that this kid will make me wait. Either way, I get to see and hear it again and that will make all this throwing up worth it. Right?
Last night I got off work pretty late and when I walked in the door I saw Cody in Wyatt’s room holding him while he sobbed uncontrollably. As I hurried in he run over to me and held on to me tight. Rushed, I asked why he was crying he said “Because I missed you mommy because I just missed you.”
My heart melted. I held him and rocked him like I did when he was just a tiny baby. I placed my head onto his and listened as his cries soften and he slowly breathed me in as I did too him. He ended up falling asleep in my arms while I whispered the old lullabies I’d sing to him when he was younger.
All the while, I thought I better not die. I just better not die. A morbid thought, yes but a valid fear I gained yesterday. I saw in the brief moment how it would be like if it was Cody was to run the household and how it would take him hours to calm Wyatt where as for me it would take just brief seconds.
I am needed to much and I just cant afford to ever die. Ever.
Today as I got up and ready for my first appointment with this pregnancy I kept thinking that I will now have to live forever and how will I be able to manage that? How am I always going to be here for two instead of just one. Another valid fear I gained.
I get to the appointment and I get to finally see my baby. That little devil who’s be making me sick. Once the moment came to hear the heart beat all I thought was to make sure Wyatt could hear it so he could be amazed that there is this little teeny tiny baby who I get to give life too.
I get to be a mother yet again. I get to be the protector, the hugger, the kiss giver, the owie go away maker, the story teller, I get to be a mother. Not to just one soul but to two. How amazing is that?
It amazes me how much love can be stretched. How much more can be gained. I am already in love with this tiny heart beating little baby but even more in love with my little Wyatt who will always be the one who made me the mother I am and how excited our we that this little baby gets to benefit from that.
I have only known that I have been pregnant for 3 weeks. Not only does it feel like I have already been pregnant forever but tonight as I am forced to wonder if all this morning/all day sickness is in actually in my head. What if I didn't find out that I was pregnant? Would I be this aware of each feeding schedule my body demands before I throw up? Would I hate the taste of all food but chicken? Would I notice all the little twinges that my body makes? Would I actually pee as much as I do?
I never did tell you how I realized I was pregnant. Or maybe I did, I can't remember so I’ll tell you again...
An app told me.
Ha! I know right? I downloaded an ovulation app in December because I figured hey why not maybe this would help me get pregnant since nothing else has.
It had an alarm on it to tell me what days I should be ovulating based on my period since all the marina drama I had it helped me remember when I should have had my period.
Well right before Cody and I went to bed one night the alarm went off and said “your ovulating!” Surprised I told Cody “hey my phone thinks I should be ovulating but I haven't had my period yet. Ha! I bet I am pregnant.” He just rolled his eyes.
But then I did the hurry randomly check the app and then check my phone for when I actually did have my period last month and then I checked my blog because I wrote about it and I sat there thinking Omg I bet I am.Then I thought back to how I haven't been sleeping too well because I have been waking up to pee and then I realized how I noticed smells more… it could be… I might be… oh my gosh am I pregnant?
I took Cody to work the next day and hurried to the store to purchase a test. Now I kept saying in my head “oh no it will be just like the others, where I swore I was and then it says nope bitch you ain't pregnant get over yourself.” But it wasn't. And here I am almost 9 weeks hating every minute of this first trimester and still waiting for my first appointment. (Which is Wednesday thank god) and dreaming that it is twins or maybe hoping it is so then I'd have a reason for all this morning/ all day sickness.
My god I still have 7 months too go! and I am not sure I’ll make it plus I'm pissed that I am complaining because damn, this is exactly what I wanted for months (well years) and all I can think about is how I am up at 5am because I had to pee and now since I am up, you might as well bring on the throw up because this baby hates me.
:::Written early in the morning on my iPhone as I tried hard not to vomit on Cody's sleeping head, jerk:::
