life will no longer be the same for him or me.

Well I did it.

I walked my little man into his first ever kindergarten classroom and then left him there to learn all on his own. It’s a weird feeling you know. Something mixed up of proud, excitement, fear, worry, concern, hope and joy all buddle into one. That all you can really do is smile with encouragement as you leave him in the unknown and walk out. Knowing that he himself is a little buddle of emotions too.

He did good you know, trying to show a brave face but I saw the worry. The tighter hand hold and the nervous steps he took as he walked into his classroom for the first time. He found a place on the table and waited patiently for others to sit by him. He listened carefully to the teacher sometimes jumping out of his chair ready to hand her the papers he was required to turn in. Papers filled with rules and questions such as “are you allergic to anything?” “what's your moms name.” etc. Papers he tucked so carefully into his book bag last night.

He got up last night, came down into my room and slept in my bed until I woke up next to him cuddled next to me. My little baby so nervous about his first day that he had to come and cuddle with me. His long legs hogging our bed, His long arms wrapped around my neck. and his soft blonde hair nuzzled under my chin. What I realize this early morning as I held him close to my chest.

My baby isn't a baby anymore, he is a little man now.

A kindergartener and life will no longer be the same for him or me.

shit like this makes me want to pull my hair out.

It was my first day as a very part time working with two kids and lets just say that they did not make it sunshine and rainbows. I questioned why other mothers do this very job 24/7 with out the escape of work and adults and just plain being out of the house without their kids.

I mean I spent my morning and afternoon sorting and sorting and folding and smelling clothes and doing the thousand loads of laundry that has not been done in like 3 years.

All the while I dealt with a teething 11 month old who only wants to be held but then not held, held and then not held and then he wants to be put down so he can get into everything when he scoots about. His favorite thing right now, the dog dish full of water. He seems to think that it is his to drink out of and splash in. Its great toweling up the water mess every few hours because I forget that I left it down for the dogs to you know actually drink out of.

Oh and what I loved also about today was the sleep drunk fight of trying to give him a nap. That was my favorite. Him banging his head into mine, biting me and pulling my hair I just looked forward to that all day and Wyatt well he is on the kick of attitude galore. Its been fabulous.

He sassies me and parents Gunner to the point that I have to say “whose the parent Wyatt me or you?” and he makes messes after I just cleaned and interrupts my TV watching time and h a t e s what we are having for breakfast lunch and dinner and eats like a bird or not at all.

I mean really he wasn’t all that bad until it was time to go to karate. He lost his shoes and cant find his pants puts his shirt on backwards and says his “tooo tired to move and he look in his room already for his shoes they aren't there mom I swear” even though I stomped upstairs and found them sitting there in the middle of his room with nothing else by them which then made us late for karate and I hate being late

and don’t get me started on bed time.

My husband hijacked my show last night.

You know that commercial. The one where there is a couple sitting on a couch together and the pan over to the girl who is acting surprised at each pivotal moment that their show is having and then the boy calls her out and says “you’ve watched ahead didn’t you?” Well, I'm that girl.

I love me some tv. I especially love binge watching on Netflix. I tend to do this with out Cody because I like to watch it all now if I can and he, well he talks during the shows, reads the paper, doesn’t really pay attention and he will go to bed on time instead of staying up until 3am to finish the season. Plus he likes to watch our shows together and refuses to let me move onto the next episode if he isn't there so I tend to try to watch my shows alone so I can get them done and move onto the next one.

Well he hijacked my show last night. Its been a week since I started watching The Killing on Netflix and I am currently on season 3 with like 3 episodes left and I was watching them last night after dinner while folding laundry and Cody happened to be in the same room as me (putting together a new carpet cleaner for me.) and he started to watch it and asked me a ton of questions and then declared that this was our show and I now have to wait for him to catch up before I can move onto the next episode.

What?

So I am so pissed right now. Because am I right at the point that they figure out who the killer is and and and it was my show first damn it and when you’re married you have to shared e v e r y t h I n g. Ugh, I hate sharing.

So I might skip ahead and pretend I didn’t when he finally catches up to me because I’m that girl.

So um, I ‘m no longer a manager.

So after the last post Cody and I talked. We talked about what was important in our life at this moment and what changes needed to be made to make sure that we are doing the best for us, me and our family and we came to the conclusion that I always knew would be but now I actually acted upon it.

A few weeks ago, my mom got sick. She currently has a non functional kidney which is causing her to be super sick and it needs to be surgically removed. If you follow me on Facebook that you’ve known about it for awhile now.

When she got sick it made me think about what I would do without her. She not only is my rock in life she is also one for my kids. She takes care and mothers them when I work hard at being successful at work.

So when she got sick it was like a wake up call for me. Here I am, striving to be the best at work, a place that does nothing but give me stress and cause me to be a grump when I get home to my kids. What was so important about this place that I needed to be the best? Why was I choosing that over my life at home with my kids?

I had no good answers for that. None. So I took this time of reflection and ran with it. My mom getting sick was the best way for me to realize that I wont have her here forever and that she wont always be able to be my “babysitter” and that this great women, this person that I look up too and my kids look up too can’t be the person to raise me kids while I was working. She needs to be a grandmother and I, I need to be the mother. The main person, the person that hopefully my kids will look up too.

So I went into work. Told them about my mom and told them that I needed to be home. I needed change in my life and that this time was not the time for me to be selfish. That my kids will only be 5 and 11 months now and never again. This is my chance, my chance to raise them like my mom raised me.

So as of today, I am no longer a full time working mother. I am no longer a manager. I no longer will attend 3 hour meetings, stay there all hours, work overnight and no longer will be responsible for other associates needs. I will be a part time, sometimes working mom. Who only goes, does my job and leaves. Nothing else.

I will now be a mom, mother, housewife. The manager of my family and I am scared as hell.

I am so over it.

So I hate my job right now. I can’t even do it anymore. I hate that I was forced into a new role. I hate that this new role is all crap. I deal with crap people and crap that people mess up. I have to change crap over and over after I just did it the day before. I have crappy equipment that never works and when it does, it works like crap.

I am just so over crap and the drama that comes with it.

I thought that I need “a job” to be fulfilled but I don’t think I do. I don’t think I need that 9-5/40+ hours a week type of job to feel like I have accomplished something. I sit at work now and I think “what if some tragic thing happened right now would all this matter?” and I say no every time.

Every time.

I am so over it. All of it.

So I’ve been looking at other jobs and weighing my options.

Do I start over somewhere new? Do I step down and work part time and stay home more?

Do I try to find what I am passionate about and work towards making that a reality?

I just don’t know.

Here are my worries…

1. If I stay home more, will I be lazy, do nothing but watch TV and eat all day and get depressed and feel like I am not equal to Cody?
2. If I find another job, and get it. What if I don’t like it or hate the people or feel like how I do now?
3. If I strive to make my hobby a reality would I really be good at it and actually make a living? Is it too late? Will I like it?
4. If I stay home, would I be willing to be poorish again?
5. What if I don’t know what I really want and I give up on this job and loose myself in the process again?

How do you make tuff life choices? What helps you become motivate? How do I get back my happy? And why can’t I make up my mind?