A few things.

Hey guys! Can I just say that I have been feeling 80% better with this pregnancy finally. Right? ugh… I am currently 15 weeks and this kid is no longer a shrimp but a full size apple. (what?) Wyatt is in love with the fact that its an apple and tells me that it needs to be a watermelon next. Ha-ha and I would agree I would love too already have this kid out um wait… just as I typed that I had “a holy shit” mini panic attack. So clearly I am not ready for that so never mind. This kid can stay an apple for a while.

I have been a busy bee lately in ways that I thought I would prefer not to be. I just did two 12 hour days in a row at my work. My legs are dead tired and I forgot to eat both days until it was late at night when I shoved anything in my mouth and pray to god to not throw it up. So thank you god, because I didn't.

We have this “culture change” going on at work. So I have been in meetings to learn how to communicated better and to motive better. At first I was sooo not into this whole idea because we all know that I have written a ton of post about how work is well… sucky. But I go to this training and a lot of what was said made a ton of sense and I had a lot of those aha moments where the things I learned will not only help at work but with life its self. Then I got to meet with my region HR manager yesterday who was not only super nice (shocking) but was willing to help me through a lot of HR matters that I struggle with. I got so much training that last night I could not turn my brain off. I thought about all the ways I want to improve at work and improve at home. It was something that I needed for sure.

It is funny how a little direction can change how you feel. I hope that this change actually works and that work for me will be better because I hate to say it but I don't actually think I could be a stay at home mom I think that thought has always been “the grass is greener on the other side” when in reality it might not be. I guess we will see how it will be when I go on maternity leave in September.

Release me.

Oh spring, release me from this coiled and constrained position. Move me swiftly into another world where the light is held on by the warmth and the grass tickles our toes and the clouds puff themselves up to show off their soft corners that need to be touched in just away, that air is the only thing that wont break them.

Thrust me forward to the days where popsicles melt and sticky fingers are the only way to where them on your hand. Where mud pies are the only pies we can eat and puddles beg to be jumped in.

Oh spring, spark you magic on the flowers to open their shells. I yearn to watch them bloom. Their soft petals carefully slide open to finally feel the air touch their skin while the rain thirsts to kiss their cheeks.

Let the birds sing sweetly, eagerly as they dart to and fro. Let the began take place. Let me rise, extend, birth into this new life where growth is just a matter of time.

Oh spring, release me from this coiled and constrained position. I need to stretch, bend, explode, move on from this winter monotonous routine. I am tired, bored, uninterested of these gloomy days where nothing but hopelessness surrounds us.

Oh spring where are you? I need, no yet demand that you come and take me where the light is held on by the warmth and the grass will in fact tickle our toes.

Click & Enjoy

  

“If you dig in and fight the changes, they will smash you to bits. They’ll hold you under, drag you across the rough sand, scare and confuse you. But if you find it within yourself, in the wildest of seasons, just for a moment, to trust in the goodness of God, who made it all and holds it all together, you’ll find yourself drawn along to a whole new place, and there’s truly nothing sweeter. Unclench your fists, unlock your knees and also the door to your heart, take a deep breath, and begin to swim. Begin to let the waves do their work in you.”-Shauna Niequist || bittersweet

“Life can be ridiculously happy and fun, no matter where that life is taking place, or how. Big city or small town, with or without children, married or single, we can be happy.” -Megan Marie|| The Polished Pickle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”
- Thomas Merton

*All pictures are linked back to their source. Click & Enjoy*

Maybe one day it will actually happen.

The other day while Wyatt was in the car with his grandma and dad he threw up his hands and yell “Seriously I need a mommy day. Seriously.” From what I was told he did this a few times through out the day. Which both grandma and dad found funny. Then yesterday while we were out to eat Cody got up from the table and Wyatt looks me in the eyes and states very clearly. “Mom, I just need to spend more time with you.” I then said “well what are we doing right now silly.” “No, mom just me and you. Not daddy. Just you.”

Then it hit me. Here I am battling with the night sickness (yep, that's right it happens at night now.) that this baby is making me have so by the time I get off work I can barely do anything but lay in my bed and hope I am not running to the bathroom to hurl. And there is Wyatt, who has spent all day either with dad or at one of the grandmas while I was at work. The time we get is not the time he wants.

I struggle with this. Not because I don't want to spend time with him but that on the days I do have off they are either filled with errands or the wishes of wanted sleep. Wyatt is also at the age where playing involves a lot of work and attention which I am lacking right now. But as I sat there in front of him on that table I realized that moments with him will be very few and fair between when he is older. And here I am wasting this time.

Why is it that now days the things that people, me included find important are money related. Jobs and the wanting of things. When did it become that way? I go back to the posts I have written about the wanting to quit my job and be home and do things I love like being with Wyatt and art. I use to draw, write, take photos and it brought me joy. Now I am depending on promotions at work to give me that.

I spend more time there then with the family I have created. I have given up the sweet moments I had with Wyatt in the mornings when we played and build forts, castles and painted our faces and laughed. I have given up the nights when Cody and I would sit in the living room next to each other on the couch with the TV off and actually talk. Talk. Like deep conversations of dreams and wishes and the possibility of the the future.

Now, Cody and I speak more of how we can work more, to get more, to do more, to have the house and everything in it. We talk about what we will spend money on next. We talk about work and the stresses of it and the dirt bags we work for and how the more we move up in the companies we work for the more there are giant dirt bags who don't respect family and the fact that we have them.

I dream of work which turns into nightmares and deadlines I forgot or how I will have to fire this person and who’s life's I am affecting. I then I think about how much satisfaction I get from that. Then I think about how awful I am for feeling satisfied. Because they are slowly turning me into one of those dirt bags who don't respect family and the fact that they have them.

I am good at my job, so good in fact that I received a promotion to become a district HR manager in training which I accepted. But why?

Why do I continue to struggle with the ever ending balance between being a mother, wife, my own person and work life. I wish I was strong enough to walk away from it all and dive head first into my passion of photography and the passion I do have for my family and make it all work.

Others have done it couldn't I too?

This post was intended to talk about how I was going to be there for Wyatt more and spend quality time with him so I am sorry it turned into another rant of being a full time working mom. Maybe one day you will read that I quit my job and I finally took the plunge into my actually dreams. Maybe one day it will actually happen.