All I wanted was to be home again.

I don’t know what made me think that moving out at 18 was a good idea. I always said that I would and then when I did it was like it wasn’t even happening. As I look back at that time I don’t know how I survived it. I moved out with only a part time job, no money in my bank account, and run down car but somehow I seemed to be able to feed myself. I don’t remember the struggle of money or the stress of it. The only thing I remember is my first night sleeping there. I remember the way the room looked with bare walls and mismatched bedroom furniture. It was quite, everything still. It was like it froze each time I took a breath. It felt like I was actually breaking the clock of time.  I remembering laying still against my pillow and squished into my comforter that I got at Christmas from my mom expect this time it didn’t feel the same. The texture was wrong, the smell was wrong it somehow was not that same comforter. I remember trying to get comfortable but all I could feel was my heart beat in my throat, beating so fast. Breathing slowly didn’t calm it down. This was it, I was here, finally here. Finally alone in my own apartment, my first apartment and all I wanted was to be home again.

I remember quietly crying in my bed that night. Wishing I didn’t take such a huge step. I somehow got to sleep that night awaking to a new day with all those fears behind me.

If I didn’t move out when I did. I wouldn’t have started dating my husband. I wouldn’t have had him move in with me a year later but into a new place, our place, a nicer place. I wouldn’t have gotten the jobs I did, when I did. I wouldn’t have gotten married and started a family. I wouldn’t have been me. We wouldn’t have been us. Life wouldn’t have been my life, our life.

So as I watch my own sons take big life steps I can’t help but think of the moment I felt like a grownup for the first time. The scary, wonderful, can’t wait, holy crap all I want is my mom moment. I hope they know how wonderful and amazing it is to grown up but how wonderful it is too not. I hope you enjoy your new toddler bed Gunner and its insane that you’re not a baby anymore and no longer require a crib.

Slow down a little will yah?

 

 

Linking up with

Brothers

Gunner is going through the stage where he is trying to establish who he is with out Wyatt. He tends now to want to play on his own and will get upset when Wyatt tries to come in and play with him and his toys. You could also say that Gunner just doesn’t want to share. This has been a little hard on Wyatt. He finally got to the point of liking to actually spend time with Gunner. Maybe like 3 to 4 months ago Wyatt would always be up in his room doing his art or reading that I would have to force Wyatt to come down and play with Gunner. When they do play with each other there's a lot of wrestling going on. Boys, brothers. They are just different.

I grew up with 5 sisters and 1 brother that it felt like I never had the chance to be alone. (although my mom says I would play by myself and sit and color on my diapers.) I think about how it is so different for Cody. He has one brother  but they are not close and really he hasn’t talked to him for 7 years. Where as me, I see or talk to my family more then I do my friends and when we all get together is a blast.

I’ve been thinking about that lately especially after Cody's dad died in February (I am not sure if I mention that here or not.) family is just important. It is. The bond you have with your siblings is not like any other and I am grateful that I have such a large family because I always have a sister or two that I can call up and talk with or run with or just be there for.

I hope that these two boys, my boys, create the same bond that I have with my siblings and that they don’t go the route of their dad and uncle. I mean once Cody’s mom passes that will be it. That scares me. I agree with the reasoning that my husband has in not talking with his brother there are a lot of things that he did to us that makes it hard to forgive but that’s between them.

I just hope that with all my kids that they create and keep a bond with each other through out their years like I have with my sisters.

Quick trip into town

It was an exhausting wonderful day.

I have a new sense of freedom ever since I started my new job at the school. I use to be so exhausted mentally that when I’d get home from work before  I would tend to veg out in front of the TV more then I’d like to admit. But with this job, I get off when its still light out and warm and I can’t wait to pick up my kids. We’ve been too a lot of parks or we’ve gone places that we normally wouldn’t have. I have energy that I didn’t have before. I want to do everything and anything all day until its dark outside. So much so that I have piles of dishes and laundry waiting to be folded that can keep waiting. Even on my weekends off we are outside playing. On Friday it rain all through the night so when we woke up Saturday morning  I thought this would be the perfect time to weed my non existent flower garden that has collected weeds for over a year now and we did just that.

I spent all morning into the afternoon digging and pulling weeds in the wet dirt while my kids rode their bikes up and down our side walk. We found big fat worms and a ton of spiders. Gunner Enjoyed playing the dirt and Wyatt stayed away from it as much as he could. I then cleaned out my gutters that I have not been cleaned out I swear before we bought the house. It was a muddy glorious mess. I even pulled the lawn mower out and mowed the lawn. Then I thought, what's the point of a flower garden with left over half dead flowers growing in it. So off to the nursery we went.                        

We found some gorgeous daisies and a few more flower friends and we spent the last of the day in our pjs planting flowers and riding bikes just before another rain storm blew in.

It was an exhausting wonderful day.

17/52 weeks

“A portrait of my kids, once a week, every week in 2015”

Wyatt: I have been trying to get Wyatt to not always look at me with that fake “cheese” smile when he sees me pull out my camera. I love the natural candid moments I experience with him but when he stops doing it and poses for me and takes away all the fun. So now I get the “pretend not to look at mom shuffle” Ugh.

Gunner: Is fighting with me to always be in control. He is determined to be in time out at least 5 times or more a day. It’s a real struggle that I am not use too. Wyatt was such a rule follower that I’d say no once and he’d never do it again. Gunner on the other hand is a true pistol. I say no and he thinks its so funny and does it again and again. He breaks all the rules.

When you cross a finish line.

You know something happens to you after you run across a finish line. Before my race I wasn’t feeling the whole fitness journey I put myself in. I didn’t exercised, I didn’t run when I was suppose too, I didn’t eat healthy in fact I’d sneak fast food and eat it in my car so no one would know. I’d think about getting healthy. I would pin healthy recipes on Pinterest. I still follow my whole 30 support groups on instagram and Facebook but I didn’t do anything about it.

And then my race was just around the corner. I already paid for it and all I could think was how to get out of it with out looking like I was. I thought maybe I’d “sleep in” on that day or I would erase it from the calendar so my husband wouldn’t know it was suppose to happen. I even didn’t set up babysitters for the kids. I was ready and armed with the excuses but then my husband called me from his work the night before my race and said that he figured out how to go and watch me run before he had to go to work.

That’s it, I couldn’t hide from it anymore. I got everything ready for the race and packed the kids bags so we could leave early in the morning. Ready or not I was running in my 5k race.

That morning we got everything in the car took off and started driving to SLC. About half way there I remember that I forgot my race bib (no, this was not an excuse. LOL) the husband turned around we picked up the bib and raced back to SLC.

I got there with 1 minute to spare and ran.

While I was running I started to remember why I fell in love with it. I started to remember how good it made me feel. I ran harder faster and felt alive.

The whole time I ran I thought about how great it was going to be to cross the finish line and see all my boys there and then I thought about how great it would be to do this again and again.

I crossed the finish line and I became alive again.

Not only have I started to train for my half marathon, I have started riding my bike which I got a bike trailer for. (which turns into a jogging stroller. its amazing.) I’ve been walking my dogs and trying to eat better.

I use to think how it would be nice to come home and watch my shows now I think about how it would be amazing to go to a park with the kids or for a run.

Fitness its always about the ups and the downs. I just need to start looking at the ups more.

Practicing our bike riding

The best place to practice on our new bikes is of course in a church parking lot. Where everyone took turns pulling the bike trailer and riding in the trailer.