A plan I never intended to make.

You know what's hard? Making a choice that you never intended to make. A choice that others have already planned for you and their exceptions do not necessarily meet yours. And then your there stuck in the middle panicking and changing your mind each day wondering what the hell you got yourself into not wanting to disappoint either party but hoping that you make the right choice for yourself.

I go to work each day and each day my bosses tell me what they see for me in the future of the company. Its all laid out there for me. They already have it planned, when I’ll start this new roll and what my responsibility's will be and they tell me how successful I’ll be and then I’ll go home and Cody has it all laid out and planned there for me also. He sees me raising our sons, running the house hold and sees me successful there too.

All I see for myself is, nothing. A big old nothing.

Here I am stuck and having this internal struggle within myself. How do I pick? Do I choose the success at my job, at a chance to grow my career? Hopefully more money? Or do I choose more time with my boys which would require me to give up my title, office MY idea of who I am and go back to being “just a mom.” but be there, truly home, I’d get to see all Gunner’s firsts. I could also join the PTA when Wyatt goes to kindergarten this year. I’d be able to be the mom they deserve. A mom I know I can be.

and just when I feel like I know what I want, something changes my mind in a plan I never intended to make.

Insert panic. Insert a shitload of panic.

While I was on maternity leave I realized something about myself. I realized that I needed a job, a place to go and be fulfilled. A place that had goals that I would need to be successful at daily and then ultimately be rewarded when I met those goals. I needed a place that was just mine. A place that when I was successful it was because of my efforts and you could clearly see that it was. I needed a place that I felt like I had control of.

Motherhood, don't get me wrong is great. But it isn't all the fulfilment I need. I know when I’m doing a good job at it, and I know when I have opportunity's but its only me knowing those personally with in myself. Of course the reward I get is my children being happy but I need more than that.

I had plan, you know. I had plan that this year I was going to be great at my job. That I was going to be the best. That when I got back into my office it was going to be the best run HR office it has ever been. I reorganized everything, I put all my energy into creating a safe respectful place that my associates could come too.  I started holding training meetings for the associates that where hired while I was out on leave. I got my office assistants on the same page as me. I started to train them in areas that would help them grow and be successful. I hired someone new to spice it up too.

I was doing great at my job. I was on top of everything there. I would go there feel great about what I accomplished and I was happy when I got home and then last week happened.

Last Monday, I went onto a normal conference call. Or so I thought. The call it started out great. Talking about the things we needed to do like train our managers in new areas of the HR world. Which I was already doing. Then it turned. They started talking about new HR district openings. Which I was like oh good finally we will have new opportunity's here and then they accidently. Yes, accidently said… “The reason we are opening these positions and due to the fact that we are dissolving the HR role in stores.

WHAT? What what wait what? I thought. You are doing what now?

Then my region manager started to back track and say well we haven't officially released this info and this and that and well we will take questions after the call is over. We did send an email out in September stating that this could be happening. Everyone should have gotten it. Blah blah opps blah blah.

I thought SHIT that was when I had Gunner. That's when I was on leave. I heard nothing about this. NO ONE TOLD ME!!

insert panic. Insert a shitload of panic.

He then opened it up to questions.

“It will happened in the north region first then to here than to here and the west region will be last. Which is where I am. But during that time you all need to train the managers on the job responsibility's you have.” he said. He also said “today in your management meetings you need to be positive when telling your managers the news.” Then he said “you have 3 options. First, you can apply for the disrtict positions. Second, you can get with your store manager and see if they have an opening in store that they can put in. Third, you can take the severance and we appreciate all of your hard work.”

and then he ended the call.

I sat there, stunned in my office with my door close. What the hell am I going to do.

I had 10 minutes before I was to be in my meeting. 10 minutes to get my happy face on. 10 minutes to call Cody and panic.

So I went into my management meeting with a happy face and told them the news and insured them that I will be here to help them in the transition and that we had hopefully until May but it could be sooner. But I will be here I said with panic in my voice. I will be here to teach you my job. (that I will no longer have. I thought.) Don't worry everything will be fine.

And then I went home and cried.

Right now, I still don’t know what I am going to do. My store manager has given my options in store and I thought about applying for the disrtict HR jobs but that involves traveling 75% of my time. I do know, that I will not be taking the severance for a fact. (its shitty anyways.)

I am just pissed. Pissed and sad. I felt like I finally found something I’d do for a long time that works perfect with having a family and now its being taken from me. My control I wanted I no longer have.

What the hell am I going to do?