I am finally out of the fog that held me tightly in its grasp last month. It was so forceful that I found myself tangled in its darkness that light never was an option for me. It was a month of struggle, mind games and joy. I don’t know any other way to explain it but only a way to live it. I find myself waiting for the joy of feeling baby Andalyn kick, swim and move inside me. Yes, it’s a girl and yes we’re naming her Andalyn Joy.
She is something that came as a fun surprise that took this year and made it go so fast that time literally never stayed with me. It was once summer and now its fall and soon it’ll be time for me to cuddle my little joy in my arms. I crave those squishy legs I know she’ll have and I cannot wait to have her head full of hair nestled into my nose. Just so I can take a whiff of that sweet baby smell into my lungs, to let me breathe just a little longer.
I need a fresh set of lungs because I am bogged down with Gunner’s apraxia issues and the maybe diagnose of autism. Cody’s depression, my depression, and the guilt that Wyatt never seems to get enough of my attention. That I start to play mind games with myself.
I worry, that Gunner won’t ever talk clearly and that I’ll never understand him. Worry about the possible heart issues that doctors think Andalyn might have. Worry that I am not doing enough for Wyatt and that he’ll start resenting me. I worry that Cody and I will never find that balance that I seem to always need with him. I worry that I too will start resenting him for being him and not the man I need.
What made last month full of struggle is the fact that now, I am getting sick carry sweet Andalyn. That my liver is, was, who knows now if it’s still shutting down which makes it hard for me to be strong like I always am.
I have been relying on the doctors to do their job which just consist of taking my blood running tests and telling me maybes. All the while my arms are filled with rashes and my mind is full of fear.
But I am finally coming out of the fog. My mind is clearing up, the light is slowly moving in and I am beginning to see that those things will be there but I will be too.
That my life has always come with the struggles because I am equipped to be strong. I was built with such strength that in times like these I can come out of with more heart, more love, more power to move forward and to drag my family along with me.
We will not be held down by the fear of the unknown. We will run toward it and slay it with all our might. Because it is not just me in this game of life. I am lucky to have my boys and sweet girl along for the ride. Who too are strong and capable of the unknown.
